A WAwineman “classic”. Originally posted Feb. 13, 2010. Enjoy!
Turning on the boob tube to the Wine Channel to watch the recap of Tuesday Night Titans where a bunch of local wine pundits gathered at Russell’s Restaurant (aka “the Barn”) in beautiful uptown Bothell and sponsored by the Cooper Wine Company. Ah, here’s the part where I interview the participants. Let’s take a looky:
(Here comes Sean “The Rock” Sullivan just finishing up the tasting)
WAwineman: “Hey, Sean, how was it in there?”
Sean: “Who in the Blue Hell are you?”
WAwineman: “Why Sean, I’m…”
Sean: “IT DOESN’T MATTER who you are!”
WAwineman: “Sean, you don’t have to yell at me, I’m not blind!”
Sean: “You wanna go one-on-one with ‘the Great One’?”
WAwineman: “Well, actually I wanted to know your thoughts of the wines but I’d rather you tell if you could confirm the rumor that when you were growing up, your mom and dad ran away from home.”
Sean: “Listen punk, I…”
WAwineman: “Ooo, here comes Sable425! Hey, baby, how were the wines tonight?”
Sable425: “Would you please shut…the hell…up!?” (walks away)
(Here comes DivaTink…)
WAwineman: “Hey DivaTink, how about those Cooper Wines tonight?”
DivaTink: “I got two words for ya…drink it!” (as she makes an “X” with her forearms at her waist) (Behind her is the SeattleWineHooch)
WAwineman: “Uh SeattleWineHooch, did you think the wines were approachable?”
SeattleWineHooch: “I’m a legend in the social media and wine industry. If you don’t believe me, ask me.”
SeattleWineHooch spots DivaTink moving in on her date, attacks and tackles DivaTink.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, looks like a slobberknocker out there.”
Sean: “DivaTink’s getting whipped like a government mule!”
(Stone Cold Yashish passes by)
Stone Cold Yashish: “Ooo!, I see puppies!”
WAwineman: “Hey Yash, nice effort out there at the wine table tonight! Did it hurt?”
Yashish: “Hurt? Hurt? Pardon my language, but did it hurt when you Botox’d your moobs, you dumb jabroni?” (walks away with a gruff stare)
(Here comes the diva duo of TarynTheTerror and NastyNicole)
Taryn and Nicole: “Hey Wineman, we had a good time out there tonight. Oh look, Paul Gregutt made an appearance with his new hairstyle.”
WAwineman: “With a haircut like that, it looks like Billy Gay Cyrus went and had sex with a retarded hyena. By the way, Nicole, what was your previous occupation?”
Taryn butts in: “Nikki here wasn’t always a wine diva. She used to have a job at the sperm bank. She got fired for drinking on the job!” (laughs as they head out the door)
(Here comes the man responsible for the wines poured tonight, Neil “the Godfather” Cooper, along with a flock of scantily clad women with way too much makeup.)
WAwineman: “Hey Godfather, do you think your wines are just a bit too hedonistic? And, by the way, nice grillz.”
the Godfather: “Look at you. Why, you look like a big monkey came down here, took a crap in Rob’s restaurant, and out came WAwineman!”
(WAwineman is speechless and looking at the camera, perplexed)
the Godfather: “Now look at me and my brood! This is what you get when you drink my wines. Get it? Got it? Now, get outta here! You can kiss my bunda, boy! Pimpin’ ain’t easy!” (and off they go into the night)
(Last is Charles “Sam Kinison” Smith to pass by)
WAwineman: “Hey Charles, what’s the word?”
Charles: (waving his open hand between our faces) “You can’t see me! An *bleep* to you *bleepin* wine bloggers, aw, aw, aw, AWWWWWWWWW!!!!” (and walks away)
Sean: “Listen roody-poo, I have a harem waiting for me in the limo. I’m outta here.”
And as The Rock leaves, WAwineman pulls out an empty bottle of Charles Shaw cabernet and smashes it over The Rock’s head, sending him to the ground.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, now do you smell what the wineman’s drinking?”
(Sneaking in from behind the wall are The High-Fivin’ Red Wine Guys (Greg and Paul) each smashing a bottle of Gramercy Cellars Tempranillo over the wineman’s head.)
Greg Harrington: “No, fool. It’s…do you smellllllll-el-el-el-L-L-L-L…what the Harrington…is…drinking?” (looking up at the ceiling)
Paul Gregutt: “To be ‘The Man’, you gotta outblog ‘The Man’! Woooooooo~”
Moral: never drink wine while watching wrasslin’.
Next time, Thursday Night’s Washington Wine Entertainment (WWE) Smackdown!
This is probably K Vintners best label design, looking down on the grapes lined up like bowling pins. That Charles Smith picked the grapes from Cayuse’s En Chamberlin Vineyard makes for an even more interesting pause. This is one ultra-funky wine. This is Ribera del Duero on PEDs. 75% Tempranillo and 25% Cabernet. And, 100% En Chamberlin stew. The pessimist would say the Tempranillo has been obliterated by the cab and oak. The optimist would say this is one after-party wine for A-listers. How can one sensibly judge any wine coming out of a Cayuse Vineyard? And, if anything, this is evidence that 75% of any one grape should NOT be allowed to be labeled as a varietal, not that it would matter with this wine anyway.
Color: mahogany and lacquer. Nose: mushrooms, rotted autumn leaves, broken branches, black cherry, mud, black olives. Mouthfeel: winter blanket. Tail trail: a very subtle but unrelenting 9 seconds. Flavors: black cherry liqueur, smoke, rainforest floor, blackberry, North Carolina dried tobacco leaves, old leather shoes, Spalding baseball glove, unrefined chalk. The vineyard wipes out the grape. Balance: very much but the cabernet eventually tilts. Power: surprising. Depth: as deep as the waters that used to flow through En Chamberlin during the Missoula floods. Finesse: as good as a vineyard gets. Music pairing: Perez Prado’s “Mambo No. 5“. Yield: 1.5 tons/acre. Native yeasts. Unfined. Thick white wax covering. TA 0.535%. pH 3.72. Alcohol: 14.5%. 134 cases. Released Sept. 15, 2009. Value: $35. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.