Syncline Wine Cellars 2009 Underwood Mountain Vineyard Grüner Veltliner

Where else but Montana? A Radio Shack in Hamilton is offering a bonus gift with the purchase of a satellite-network package, the gift being a pistol or shotgun. The ad states, “Protect yourself with Dish Network. Sign up now, get a free gun.” I know Montanans ain’t the richest folks around but since when did the whole state become a ghetto or is it paranoia about 2012? If it’s about defending one’s territory, then look no further than Jackson, MI. A 60 year-old man fired a shotgun at his 52 year-old neighbor because he thought the neighbor’s dog had dropped a deuce on his lawn. Guess it’s not such a good idea to leave my excrement on Sean’s oil-pissin’ jalopy as a hood ornament for his next jaunt to Walla Walla. Oh Florida, not again. A 22 year-old Englewood man allegedly attacked his mother with an ax and forced her to stay in his bedroom and watch movies with him. I suppose he just wanted a blow-by-blow analysis of the latest Jenna Jameson flick since he flunked sex education. As an encore for proud Floridians, a 43 year-old Walmart employee suspected a co-worker was sleeping with her husband and doused her with pepper spray before biting off part of her finger. Let’s just hope she paired it with one of those five-buck California syrahs. Always low vices…

Guys and dolls. Mars and Venus. Third leg and penis pocket. Let’s face it, guys are just hard-wired differently than gals. Guys keep it simple. Guys are happier. Guys have more fun! Ladies, doubt me? Okay, explain this:

Nicknames

If Jen, Cheryl, and Cyndy go out for lunch, they will call each other Jen, Cheryl and Cyndy.

If PaulG, Sean, and Josh go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead, and Shit For Brains.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, Paul, Sean, and Josh will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller (besides their penises) and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 317. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man NEVER worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, but she does.

Dressing up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Simple advice for newly married men

Forget your mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I know, I know…another Syncline wine review. Hey, I can’t help myself. Besides, know anyone else making Grüner Veltliner in Washington? Point. I missed out on the initial offering at Full Pull Wines for the 2008 and Mister Zitarelli had a broad grin in reminding me what an inept computer geek I was. I told him I didn’t get the actual offer, but heard it from a distributor. He said something about I wasn’t worthy of being on the full-offerings customer list, so I asked him how many others are waiting to get on that list and he said it was just me. Kewl.

Grüner Veltliner is only commercially grown at Underwood Mountain Vineyard in the Columbia Gorge AVA, obviously overlooking the mighty Columbia River (duh!). The location sits almost 3000 feet above sea level (the vineyard’s around 1200 feet) and is an early Pleistocene shield volcano that last erupted at least some 20,000 years ago. The soil is basalt, which goes about 600 feet deep. The vineyard grows over 20 varietals and is run by Jack and Sally Brady, and Joe Brady and his wife, Vicki Nomura.

Tonight’s food pairing was a purging of the fidderator. Green eggs and ham? No, but close. Marinated flank steak, luncheon meat, fried chicken, smokies, and macaroni salad. Funny, but the wine did not stink up any of the dishes, which confirms its “food friendliness.” Fried chicken was the best pairing. This is a low pH wine, reminiscent of albarino, so take a bottle of this to your favorite seafood restaurant that doesn’t charge a corkage fee.

Tasted at 48-57 degrees on the IR temp gun (best below 55). Color: hay. Nose: peach, lemon, nectarine. Mouthfeel: light and tart. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: lemon, unripened yellow grapefruit flesh.

Alcohol: 12.5%. Vines planted in 2005. 100% Grüner Veltliner. 220 cases. 2nd vintage. Rated: 87. Value: $10. Paid: $18. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad someone has the cojones to produce this wine. Washington’s only commercially produced GrüVe. Music pairing: “James” by Sue Thompson. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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