Apex Ascent 2009 sauvignon blanc

From the files of “when life imitates wine bloggers” come these nasty tidbits. Let’s throw some multiple-choice answers in to make it appear interesting. A 37 year-old Pennsylvania man was arrested outside a supermarket for (a) describing a wine as “such a nice wine”; (b) demanding he get free wine since he was some ‘bigshot’ wine reviewer from Wine Brownnoseyass; or (c) stuffing a bag of shrimp down his pants. This New York scavenger got the nickname “Skippy” for having its head stuck in a peanut butter jar while stuck at the top of a utility pole all yesterday: (a) Paul Gwine; (b) Sullyvain; or (c) a raccoon. A Florida honors student used a stolen gun to pistol-whip her mother and forced her mom to buy a sports car for her. This student’s name is: (a) Annie; (b) Shona; or (c) Rachel. Okay, so if you chose (a), you scored 5 points; (b) nets you 3 points each; and (c) adds a single point. What’s your total? If you scored 0-3 points, you’re considered a newshound, and an odd one at that. If you scored 4-15 points, congratulations!, you are now eligible to be a wine blogger in Washington.

This just in! A 28 year-old siren from Pasco, @heyjenk, is behind bars since Friday (not the kind that serves booze btw), after allegedly stealing a pink Italian Vespa scooter and crashing it at Sara Nelson Design in Kennewick. She claimed to the judge at today’s proceedings, “I was abducted…all my Riedel glasses were taken. I was held at corkscrew-point.” The arresting officers could find no evidence from her room other than an empty jug of Gallo Paisano and her floor littered with Justin Bieber cds. Her attorney did not contest the bail of “three cases of Cooper Wine Company cabernets,” stating “no question bail is appropriate.” @heyjenk’s mom has set up a fund with WAwineman where you can donate such wines to help free her. #Justsayin

Wine bloggers from Washington…what a fucked up bunch of low-esteem mo-fo’s. I did a quick interview with these self-important primadonnas at Taste Washington, the State’s premier location that charges a $75 tasting fee and gets away with it. First, the basics. These local wine bloggers speak in a language all their own, which can be very confusing because one would think they are speaking from the heart when they are, in reality, just felching the recipient with cheap flattery. Here are some excerpts, with the translation built-in:

WAwineman: “Dude, I thought you said you weren’t gonna be here, Paul. Btw, that is one ugly fedora. You look like that wine traveler stalker.”

Paul: “For a whole host of asinine reasons, I have to re-design my life because I just couldn’t pay the bills living in West Seattle on a banjo strummer and fuddy-duddy once-a-week writer’s income for a local fishwrap supplier.”

WAwineman: “Then why don’t you just get a job you are qualified for…like window-washer for the local bus company.”

Paul: “This makes good sense. I want you to know that I am totally committed to doing a professional job. I’m tired of all this free wine-mooching from the wine commission.”

(job upgrade!)

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

WAwineman: “Hey Sean, word’s out you’re a lickspittle to Paul, Marty, the Walla Walla winery group, and anyone who throws you free wine. What are your winning words for all these wineries who pay to play?”

Sean: “Such a nice wine.”

WAwineman: “I heard you are also playing your way into free food from some knucklenut restaurants. What’s your con line in reviewing their location?”

Sean: “Such a pretty spot.”

WAwineman: “Okay. So help me out here. Describe the quality of crabcakes that would wow even a New York Times critic.”

Sean: “To die for.”

WAwineman: “You’re pretty good for being a two-faced liar, just like what you pulled on the Cascade Valley Wine Country people.”

Sean: “Agreed.”

WAwineman: “You also convinced Linda to sell her soul to your evil ways. I never thought Linda would be a sell-out.”

Sean: “Indeed.”

WAwineman: “Hey, those chefs behind the stage are cracking open some Turning Leaf and Barefoot wines! What do you think about that?

Sean: “V cool. Highly recommend checking it out. Have fun!”

WAwineman: “Finally, clarify this rumor for me: did you slip Josh the tongue when you stayed over his place?”

Sean: “The mouthfeel is so cool.”

WAwineman: “I hear you frequent the gay bars on Broadway but word is when they’re checking you out, they don’t know if you have a penis.”

Sean: “Only way is to hide it somewhere safe. Otherwise it stands no chance.”

WAwineman: “Okay, I am going to hurl now. Interview’s done.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

WAwineman: “I heard you told others you found me at Woodward Canyon’s table.”

MarGot: “saw you in the distance but couldn’t limp fast enough to catch up”

WAwineman: “Uh no, that wasn’t me. That was that Pin-cushion guy.”

MarGot: “But seriously I thought it was you, based on photos.”

And thanks, I’m half Chicano, half African-American. (he’s pure French)

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

To the wine.

Apex Cellars has a long history dating back over 22 years. Some terrific winemakers have passed through its cellar doors and the winery is now part of the Precept cache of wine brands that make up Washington’s 2nd largest producer, behind only Ste. Michelle Wine Estates. In Woodinville, the Precept tasting room’s revolving featured wines now includes the wines of Apex, with price points that are more appealing than earlier efforts.

Food pairing was gringo Chinese food. Mmm, peanut oil does go well with sauvignon blanc!

Tasted at 47-54 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: bright lemon. Nose: peach, ripe lemon. Mouthfeel: zippy acids with a snap. Tail trail: 5 seconds. Flavors: stone fruits, blood orange, tart citrus.

Alcohol: 13%. Aged 18-31 days in stainless steel with X5 and VL3 yeasts. Vineyards: Oasis, A&R, Willard. Bottled: Spring, 2010. 100% sau blanc. pH 3.08. TA 0.6. RS 0.55%. Rated: 87. Value: $10. Paid: $15. Music pairing: “The Great Pretender” by The Platters. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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