Recapping the news of the week… looks like local wine bloggers have empowered themselves after last weekend’s wine bacchanal, aka Taste Washington. 57 year-old pegleg-Margot was removed from a Massachusetts classroom after impersonating a drunk teacher in class, asking one pupil “how it would feel like to have a Vinturi aerator in his urethra,” and “flapping her arms and making chicken noises.” Hey Margot, you’ve already laid an egg for a life. The fact you keep tootin’ your own horn (and nobody listens) over bullshit accomplishments reaffirms what an asshole you are to the wine and food industry. Then there’s Ben S., the dork holding the wineglass like he’s all that. He reportedly filed suit against Monster Energy Drinks after he apparently drank a can of sissy-caffeine and discovered a dead mouse at the bottom. While at mid-can, he flexed the virtues of energy drinks just like he does with the high-alcohol bum-wines he buys and reviews. “It tasted of garrigue, roasted meats, asphalt, and quince until I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere.” The Good: he’s still in the hospital for aspiration pneumonia and sublingual herpes. The Bad: he’s still under-employed like a typical wine blogger. The Ugly: he is allowed to vote and reproduce. Next up is Paul Gwine. Little did anyone know but Paul was the voice of that obnoxious duck of the insurance-commercials fame, until he started to tweet insults regarding the Tohoku tsunami disaster, stating shit like “Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them;” “I just split up with my boyfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now;” and “Japan called me. They said ‘Maybe those jokes are a hit in the U.S., but over here, they’re all sinking.” He got fired for that, which is what the local fishwrap supplier should also do. Finally, there’s Sully Vain. This fast-graying asexual pleaded guilty in San Diego after owning up to downloading lascivious pictures of Walla Walla wine bottles stuck to his follower’s peckers and partially inserted up a gadfly’s poopshoot. When questioned by a Federal investigator, Sully said he obtained the images from a local wine awards website, chrischan.org.
As an encore, Kori Boorpees of ISuckAtTennisPeeps.com was arrested by Florida police after a video on youtube showed her battering a Burger King employee for not “giving her an Extra Value Super Size Bacon Ultimate Shrimp Taco.” When the judge asked what her final words were before being sentenced to garnishing her low wages to actually BUYING wine from Alexandria Nicole Cellars, she stated, “Would you like a quick suggestion for a shitty wine that I coaxed the winery to send me for free?” Jarrod and Ali responded by lowering their high prices as they no longer needed to compensate the loss of giving away wine to worthless wine bloggers.
Seriously, ask yourself: “Are you a wineroid?” Do you read several blogs that try to simulate that they review wines the way you drink them? Let’s take a look and review the dingbat derps of the local wine blogging scene.
1. M. Savell of Write For Free Wine. Rated: F. This screwball only touts establishments that give her freebies. And, the payoff writings are so superficial that the reader has to wonder if the Canadian educational system rivals that of…The Milwaukee Project. Still faking employment.
2. S. Milne of Woodinville Free Wine Update. Rated: F. This horse-lover (she adores herself in the mirror) writes a blog that often wanders from anything Woodinville or wine and commonly steals ideas and information from other noteworthy celebrities (like moi) to bloat her bubble-ego. I feel sorry for Sonoris Wines and other wineries that depend on her to spread the (infected) word. Still unemployed.
3. Patrick S. of Walla Walla Wine Report. Rated: liar. This passive-aggressive, beaten and molested-as-a-child with an Asian-freckle fetish continues to be paid to hoot-up Walla Walla wines while masquerading as a Gregutt Jr. He figures that if that assclown could score free wine without ever attaining a Master Sommelier or Master of Wine certification, then he could simply lick the dingleberries off his senior and attain “wine expert” status. All he really mastered was how to sucker his followers with cheap flattery and drinking fifteen-buck chucks—the only wines he truly buys. Still unemployed and still spineless.
4. Every other wine blog originating out of the Puget Sound area. Rated: who are you? No, don’t think you are sooo lame that you score a mention on this blogpost. You are just plain lame and boring. Go blog about lunch trucks instead.
A note to those who follow Sean because you “feel sorry for him.” You think he is all innocent but be warned, this jerkoff has insidious plans to polarize the local wine industry by only covering wineries that kiss his viral-infected ass. He has already burned his bridges with more than a few wineries, just like his raisinized old-fart idol, and looks to “punish” any wineries that do not kowtow to his demands for free wine in return for a glowing review. The Walla Walla group has already given in as they seem willing to do ANYTHING to get their customers to return to the onion-town and the Cascade Valley folks also got suckered in. Stupid country bumpkins, I hope you learned your lesson. To the remaining AVAs, when a known wine blogger is in your presence or requests “wine samples,” resist temptation and do NOT give in to empty boasts of “I have over 2700 followers” as it really means “I have six fools who bought wine based on my recommendation and five of them disagreed with me, the other one gave it away to a homeless charity.”
I had hesitations about reviewing this wine. After all, how does a reviewer deal with a wine that follows a vintage that was essentially declared “perfect” by more than just one wine star? If the following vintage is “better,” then how is that rated beyond a 100%-equivalent? That’s what lay before me. However, thankfully as your fearless local wineman, this hairy creature I would have stepped on like a pregnant cockroach. I believe you take the wine that’s in front of you and view it for what it is. Every vintage brings its own set of strengths and weaknesses, and usually will appeal to a new set of wine consumers that the previous vintage did not. Approach each wine for what it is, not what it stands for or represents from previous vintages.
I ripped open my own paid bottle for a retasting after indulging in a generous sample bottle from the owners. I will say this: this wine reflects the personality of the Blues, owners of Adams Bench Winery. Friendly and open on first meeting, then with time, the personality is unwrapped to reveal generous and persistently bold hues that are true to the original. Long after the initial meeting, the hypnotic flavors endure and grow. This is a luscious wine with distinct flavors found nowhere else. Others have tried. Others have similarly sourced. But, no one, and I mean no one, has made a cabernet that has definition, is representative of its single source, exudes elegant finesse, exhibits many facets of its alluring qualities at various temperatures, and is both excellent as a stand-alone and paired with food. So, it is no surprise that, again, I consider this wine to be ‘definitive’ both in quality and value. Only this time, it is for the 2008 vintage in Washington.
Reviewed at 55-63 degrees on the IR temp gun. In the glass, slightly opaque with dark purple/magenta reflections. Aromas of willow bark, soft notes of raspberries and blackberry crème. Full-bodied on the palate, the wine’s complex flavors deliberately evolved over a long, long period. Look for black currant, black cherry, wheat toast, nettle, black plum, and some drying on a dark chocolate finish. Tough food pairing with garlic chicken but still meshed very well.
Alcohol: 14.9%. Roughly 100 cases. 75% cab sau, 25% merlot. 100% Red Willow Vineyard. Winemaker Tim Blue recommends at least an hour of decanting (agree). Power: 3/5. Balance: 4.5/5. Depth: 4/5. Finesse: 5/5. Rated: 96. Paid: $60. Value: $80. Music pairing: “You Got What It Takes” by ‘Marvelous’ Marv Johnson. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.