Let’s get up to date for the weekend. A man stole a jar of tip money from a downtown Seattle restaurant on Thursday and ran across the street just in time to get run over by a Metro bus. Must have been a female bus, cuz karma’s a bitch, man! The butt-turd should have applied to be a lifeguard in Newport, CA where more than half the city’s full-time lifeguards each raked in more than $150,000 in 2010. And, you wonder why that state is so deep in debt? Following the latest in terrorism… now anyone can express their
condolences to the Taliban via Twitter. Just search for @alemarahweb and type
in your most empathetic 4-letter word to the grieving club. And, you can
personally encourage these jihadists that tweeting is more therapeutic than
blowing up oneself. However, it will be difficult to overcome what was found in
Ohsammy bin Laddy’s stash of computer files. Who would ever think that savant
of suicide bombers would be flogging his dolphin over old ‘Girls Gone Wild’
videos of seattlewinehooch out on Alki Beach?? Personally, I wouldn’t even
stroke my baby toe over her itty bitty titties, but then again, isn’t Al
Qaida short for “stinky little pervert”? Speaking of that horny bitch, she
boasted on her Twitter site recently about how she’s attracting 14 year-olds.
Guess she found a new use for her thumbtacks.
Speaking of liars… a UCLA professor spent the last several years monitoring local wine bloggers in order to spot the best ways to catch a liar. While he wanted local law enforcement officers to benefit from the results, the following advice applies to anyone who reads the daily garbage spewed by the likes of Sean, Shona, Margot, and that old fart the Gwine-ster: (1) they offer only the bare bones of a story; (2) they offer unsolicited
details about the little they shared; (3) they answer your question with a question; (4) they press their lips together and look away; and (5) they retweet each other’s hot garbage of a post and stroke their ankle-height egos like one long ouroboro.
Look at it this way. When you ask Paul Gwine about why his latest book is so slanted toward Walla Walla wineries, (1) he won’t tell you much about the why simply because he’s too old to remember all the lies, but (2) he will tell you about the freshly-pressed zoot suit he wore to pickup all his free wine from the Walla Walla Valley Wine Alliance that consumers paid for; and (3) when you ask the slimeball moocher why the wineman always calls him out, he answers with a question, such as “Who is that most electrifying blogger
in wine entertainment today?”, then (4) when you educate the old goat that it’s me,
he starts scratching his back hairs, and the sweat off his skull washes away his
cheap hair dye. But, by then (5) he’s already withdrawn his Viagra-pumped pecker from the wart-pocked poopshoot of his regular followers.
Who doesn’t enjoy eating out? I especially enjoy exploring new restaurants and those I’ve never tried before. The only problem is, I prefer to know beforehand how good or bad the eatery is. Hence, I rely heavily on word-of-mouth experiences, but when I can’t find any personal recommendations from associates, I call on review services such as Yelp.com. As
an example, if I were stationed in Prosser and I wanted to take a hot date out to Picazo 7-Seventeen, I would check Yelp and find this: “Excellent! Frank (Francisco Javier Magana) is accessible and there to make the experience special,” “Great wine selection and the tapas is mmmmmm.” Those are comforting words when I need to hit a home run.
However, Yelp.com also provides valuable advice and steers me clear of some over-hyped hole-in-the-walls. Twitterites are familiar with Sean’s ogling of the general manager of Black Pearl restaurant in northeast Seattle (Wedgwood). Newbies would think, “Wow, Sean likes everything, including this choke-and-puke. Guess I should try eating that crap.” Wait! Hold on. Stay in control. Check out Yelp.com first. Wehhhh-llll, look at these comments! “I am so sorry for the people that like this place.” “The food was so-so. The crab wontons were GROSS.” “Awful. Flavorless. Never again.” “The chicken was so dry
I could barely swallow it.” “Food just is mediocre to bad.” “I will forever remain clueless as to why people rave about it as much as they do.” Hey Shona, I found a place for you.
Wait a minute… are they talking about Sean’s superfluous wine report or this crappy restaurant??? I’m so confused… not!
Here is another justification as to why Shona plays second fiddle to me when it comes to Woodinville winery coverage. Note to Shona: sit your fatass down and try to steal this information for your bogus blog, but I know you won’t take it because Aspenwood won’t kiss your unwiped pooper like other desperate wineries do.
Aspenwood Cellars is another of the more obscure wineries in Woodinville that only serious wine aficionados are versed on. Owner Jim H. Petty, 56, crafts his approachable wines from his monstrous residence just southeast of the Paradise Valley Wilderness Area in east Woodinville, near Timbercrest Junior High. Tastings are only by appointment (moochers are not welcome). Jim’s a private individual and will only comment on his trademark statement, “Where great grapes become fine wines.” Jim, and his wife Rose, take vicious pride in their wines and that “we will sell no wine that we wouldn’t
proudly serve our own families.”
Aspenwood’s lineup begins with this very first vinted wine from the 2008 vintage and is the sole “Bubba’s Best” representative. For the Proprietor’s Choice lineup, you will find: for 2008—a cab sau from Chandler Reach Vineyard, a Red Willow syrah, and a Red Willow/Chandler Reach merlot, and for 2009, an Elephant Mountain viognier. Caution: the reds have massive alcohol levels, topping out at over 16%. Prices top out at $25, as they are a new winery. Total case production is 164 cases. Yes, it’s that small and there’s
zero chance of finding this wine outside of Woodinville city limits. And, don’t
bother finding ratings of their wines…they don’t care about ratings.
Tonight’s food pairing was lethal pasta from Pasta Nova. We’re talking puttanesca with prawns (kalamata olives, capers, and anchovies in a spicy red sauce tossed with pennine pasta) and Tim’s chicken cacciatore. Spicy and smooth. Most underrated are the soups: a killer minestrone and a thick creamy tomato-y Italian-sounding something or other. The bread is zesty and fresh and the salad is crisp and tangy. Recommended.
Tasted at 62-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: clear, dark magenta. Nose: blackberry, raspberry, sweet midtones. Mouthfeel: bramble fruits, alcohol plume, oak. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: sweet blackberry, black currant, black licorice.
Alcohol: 14.3% (lowest of the reds). Gilbert Vineyards. Wahluke Slope AVA. 5% merlot (to soften mouthfeel and round out the palate). 31 cases. Rated: 87. Value: $12. Paid: $15. Music pairing: “Don’t Do Me Like That” by Jim Petty and the Heartbreakers. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.
P.S. We apologize to you early readers as we had a staffer type the 1st draft and didn’t proofread the copy. Rookies…sheesh.