Another WAwineman classic, 1st posted on April 22, 2010:
Here’s my Earth Day contribution. Did you know that the alcohol in wine, specifically ethanol or CH3CH2OH, has 7 calories per gram and its density is 0.789 grams per milliliter? That means there are 5.523 calories per milliliter contributed solely by ethanol. So, for every ‘standard pour’, meaning five ounces or 148 mL, expect a minimum of calories in your glass if:
______ ABV ethanol volume calories
13% 19.24mL 106
13.5% 19.98 110
14% 20.72 114
14.5% 21.46 119
Not too bad. Now, if you were me, consider the contents by standard bottle:
_____ ABV ethanol volume calories
13% 97.5mL 538
13.5% 101 559
14% 105 580
14.5% 109 601
By extraction, consider wine as 0.8 calories per mL. That’s 4 calories per teaspoonful. Now, add on the calories provided by the other components in wine. First, let’s look at the broad picture. Wine is almost as complex as blood. Wine is 80-85% water. That’s zero calories. Alcohol content tends to range from 13-15% in over 95% of Washington State wines. The remainder, 3-5%, contains the stuff that separates a pathetic wine from a perfect wine. This “remainder” consists of: glycerol, acids, phenols, minerals, amino acids, volatile acids, higher alcohols, sorbitol, mannitol, sulfites, esters, acetaldehyde, vitamins B-complex and P, pectin, ash, and many other chemical families. Some of these components have a minor amount of energy conversion so consider adding another 10 calories to a 5-ounce pour. That’s about 130 calories per glass. And, we all know that our bodies will convert unused immediate-energy sources into a stored-energy source, which is commonly called…fat.
Now, witnessing customers at many tasting rooms in my travels, I can only say this: there’s a lot of stored-up energy in Woodinville winos. Some national estimates place our obesity rate at approximately 60%. I am being sympathetic when I say that is conservative for the wine drinkers’ rate in Woodinville. It’s one thing to have money to afford good wine. It’s quite another when certain individuals take up half the tasting bar space with only their own girth, then have the nerve to stick their baconized arm in front of me to reach the snack bowl like what happened at Alder Ridge Estates by a lard-ass’d woman claiming to be from the State Liquor Control Board.
So, what to do about enjoying wine and being able to burn off the excess calories? Take a diuretic? Starve yourself for a day? Drink green tea extract? Just write “Fool” on your forehead then.
How to burn off 130 calories the Washington State way. The cheap and simple way is to walk uphill at a brisk pace for 22 minutes (6 cal/min). Or, generally consider at least 20 non-stop minutes of moderate activity like swimming, rowing, or even intense aerobics. 20 minutes. That’s all. Then again, it would take over an hour of love-making, a full half-hour of whole-body massage, 12,012 kisses all over her body, or slow-dance through three turns of “Reasons”—the live version by Earth, Wind and Fire. However, that’s apparently the fine-line between doers and sayers. You know where you stand. Look in the mirror.
Color: black with royal purple edges. Nose: purple flowers, cola nut, blackberries. Mouthfeel: dense. Tail trail: 6 seconds. Flavors: cola syrup, mint, black pepper, black plum, licorice, coffee grounds. Balance: smooth and succulent. Power: moderate across the board. Depth: terroir expressed here. Finesse: liquorous, gripping, elegant enough for a Seattle Symphony concert.
Alcohol: 14.6%. Yakima Valley AVA. 100% Lewis Vineyard. Bottled by Walla Walla Vintners. Music pairing: “Reasons” by Earth Wine and Fire . Rated: 94. Value: $35. Paid: $29. This is WAwineman…out of space.