Cork hoarders unite! A Nevada man glued 2000 corks from wine he drank with others onto a suit that he will debut at the Burning Man Festival this weekend, along with his new persona, Corky Buchon. Unfortunately, the design does not allow him to raise his hand above his waist, but he plans to honor the beverage that supplied his cork by rigging up a cork-covered drinking vessel with a long straw. Oh the joys of drinking Nevada wine! A Pennsylvania couple, newly married, were arrested for carting off over $1000 in groceries “for their wedding reception”. Aside from the unpaid food, other items included a polo shirt, toothbrushes, and razor blades. How pleasant to think they wanted to look their best while honeymooning at the county jail before posting bond. A 59 year-old Louisville man was pulled over for swerving across the road. He tried to hide his beer can under his passenger’s dress as police approached, then when he exited the car, his pants fell to the ground. He later admitted to having his 53 year-old passenger’s head buried between his legs while driving and drinking a beer. His blood-alcohol content was 0.152, almost twice the state’s limit. Aside from the driving part, this guy’s my idol. How can an old fart get it up while doubly drunk? Oh yeah…Viag-weiser. Washington had a better method for getting woodied-up but the owner of a coffee stand in Edmonds was arrested after the police discovered her and six of her baristas performing explicit pole dances and having their breasts fondled, in addition to a smooth cup of joe, for $20. That’s okay. I’ll just continue to get my spaghetti at a Woodinville hole-in-the-wall where “Kay Lee” offers up her “thumbtacks stuck on a 2-by-4” for a lousy ten-spot. Damn, living in the desert really does dry up the womanhood areas. There was a Sean sighting in Ohio as authorities said they were searching for someone looking like a man who drove a semi-truck into an adult sex toy store, ran inside, and stole a $800 imitation “lower half of a female body.” I guess Anny was really a “Manny” after all.
For all you new readers out there, I will reintroduce you to the wonderful world of WAwineman’s World of Entertainment (WWE). We showcase a cast of fictional finger-puppet characters not found anywhere else in wine land. Any resemblance to actual fools who lie about wine is purely coincidental.
First up, there’s Scotty. He’s an affable guy, dragging his knuckles around this great State while relying on an outdated recipe to get more people into wine. He’s the president of the local Three-Cities-Downriver-From-The-Nuclear-Wasteland wine gent’s club when he’s not molesting juvenile salmon at the local PNW Lab. He works real hard at making sure I have salmon to grill every summer to pair with my Chianti and fava beans. F-f-f-f-ffff!
Then, there’s Tony. Or Anthony. Or Antoine. Whatever. I used to call him a “Pinhead” but he’s come to his senses and smartened up. He no longer pairs bubble gum vodka to go with quiche lorraine. He used to think Edmonds wines were the shits; now he says they’re just shitty. Tony, you are no longer the rudy-poo, candy-ass jabroni when my eyes first melted while watching your video trip through the Yakima Valley with vineyard detritus Sarah.
Next is Shawn Patty Gregullivan. Or Patti. Or Shaun. Or Sean. Or asexual. Hermaphrodite, or “Hermy”. He’s one of my finger-puppets that really enjoys getting fingered. He’s also a “snowball” felching expert from the east coast who likes to teach rock climbing. I recently asked him why he liked to teach rock climbing instead of actually doing rock climbing in the wild. He replied, “Well, WAwineman, that’s an easy question. I mean, wouldn’t you also like the view from the bottom when I watch my shorts-with-no-underwear-wearing male clients scale a rock wall while I’m looking up and sipping free Walla Walla wine that I picked up from the nearby wine commission office? How’s tricks?” Uhh, no, Shawn. No, no, no.
Immediately following is Greg P. Utt. Or Pauly. Or when he’s lacking in substance (which is often), Greg Uttless. Or wife of Sean. Or husband. Fuck, who can tell? (You’re right, Jen…the wife always gets the ‘dirty sanchez’. Not that I needed to know that, but thanks.) This ancient dingleberry claims to have been writing on wine since his first trip to France, back around 1860, not-so-coincidentally when Phylloxera nearly wiped out all the vines there. No one has read his scribes from the last century but he feels he is owed “senior wine writer” status and notifies wineries in advance that he expects “only the best wines” on his visits. Yeah, just like all the other consumers who walk through the doors. He is best known for drinking the most wine at his lemon parties near Walla Walla. Thankfully, I have found another use for his bogus writings, besides wrapping fish—as a firestarter to heat up the charcoal.
There are many more supporting characters in WAwineman’s Neighborhood, but you’ll just have to go to the back issues for now. That, or hope they’ll say something about wine that’s so ridfuckingdiculous that I have no choice but to pick it up. For now, they are securely locked up at Western State Mental Institution and being served cheap, bottom-shelf California wine. Cheers to that!
Why? Geez, seriously? Well, we need a place where we can have a forum on the splendors of Washington wine and be ourselves. Do you think you’d still be here, after 350+ reviews, reading about Washington’s glorious wines if it was just me? Do you?
To the wine…
Haystack Needle Wines is an arm of Pacific Wine Enterprises and is run by Robert Alex (Bob) and Lauren Jean Bullock. While they do occupy the D-1200 room in the warehouse district, there is no tasting room open to the public. Robert used to work for a wine distributor before falling to a physical disability. He was then persuaded to start a “wine agent” business, BB Wine Agents. His catalog of wines left open a wide opportunity for ten-buck wines so he decided to start a negociant label, purchasing finished wines from other wineries and slapping his own label to them. His first wine was a sangiovese, and he has since added a red blend (The Eye), a Harvest White (pg, sb, chard), a chardonnay, and a syrah/mourvedre/counoise to the portfolio. The wines can be found at many Puget Sound supermarkets and wine shops.
They burn the candle at both ends in order to get their wines exposed, hosting tastings at establishments as well as donating to local events. I picked up this bottle at a recent event as a comp.
Tasted at 59-64 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: clear Bing cherry. Nose: sweet cherry. Mouthfeel: soft and tart. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: cranberry, cherry, moderate tannins, funk, and a fair amount of acid. Good with a chili dog.
Alcohol: 13.8%. Columbia Valley AVA. Cellared and bottled by Clubhouse Cellars. Rated: 87. Retail: $10. Music pairing: “Do You” by iFFY. This is WAwineman…the last truly independent Washington wine blog.