Ad: Haystack Needle Wines NV Columbia Valley sangiovese

Cork hoarders unite! A Nevada man glued 2000 corks from wine he drank with others onto a suit that he will debut at the Burning Man Festival this weekend, along with his new persona, Corky Buchon. Unfortunately, the design does not allow him to raise his hand above his waist, but he plans to honor the beverage that supplied his cork by rigging up a cork-covered drinking vessel with a long straw. Oh the joys of drinking Nevada wine! A Pennsylvania couple, newly married, were arrested for carting off over $1000 in groceries “for their wedding reception”. Aside from the unpaid food, other items included a polo shirt, toothbrushes, and razor blades. How pleasant to think they wanted to look their best while honeymooning at the county jail before posting bond. A 59 year-old Louisville man was pulled over for swerving across the road. He tried to hide his beer can under his passenger’s dress as police approached, then when he exited the car, his pants fell to the ground. He later admitted to having his 53 year-old passenger’s head buried between his legs while driving and drinking a beer. His blood-alcohol content was 0.152, almost twice the state’s limit. Aside from the driving part, this guy’s my idol. How can an old fart get it up while doubly drunk? Oh yeah…Viag-weiser. Washington had a better method for getting woodied-up but the owner of a coffee stand in Edmonds was arrested after the police discovered her and six of her baristas performing explicit pole dances and having their breasts fondled, in addition to a smooth cup of joe, for $20. That’s okay. I’ll just continue to get my spaghetti at a Woodinville hole-in-the-wall where “Kay Lee” offers up her “thumbtacks stuck on a 2-by-4” for a lousy ten-spot. Damn, living in the desert really does dry up the womanhood areas. There was a Sean sighting in Ohio as authorities said they were searching for someone looking like a man who drove a semi-truck into an adult sex toy store, ran inside, and stole a $800 imitation “lower half of a female body.” I guess Anny was really a “Manny” after all.

For all you new readers out there, I will reintroduce you to the wonderful world of WAwineman’s World of Entertainment (WWE). We showcase a cast of fictional finger-puppet characters not found anywhere else in wine land. Any resemblance to actual fools who lie about wine is purely coincidental.

First up, there’s Scotty. He’s an affable guy, dragging his knuckles around this great State while relying on an outdated recipe to get more people into wine. He’s the president of the local Three-Cities-Downriver-From-The-Nuclear-Wasteland wine gent’s club when he’s not molesting juvenile salmon at the local PNW Lab. He works real hard at making sure I have salmon to grill every summer to pair with my Chianti and fava beans. F-f-f-f-ffff!

Then, there’s Tony. Or Anthony. Or Antoine. Whatever. I used to call him a “Pinhead” but he’s come to his senses and smartened up. He no longer pairs bubble gum vodka to go with quiche lorraine. He used to think Edmonds wines were the shits; now he says they’re just shitty. Tony, you are no longer the rudy-poo, candy-ass jabroni when my eyes first melted while watching your video trip through the Yakima Valley with vineyard detritus Sarah.

Next is Shawn Patty Gregullivan. Or Patti. Or Shaun. Or Sean. Or asexual. Hermaphrodite, or “Hermy”. He’s one of my finger-puppets that really enjoys getting fingered. He’s also a “snowball” felching expert from the east coast who likes to teach rock climbing. I recently asked him why he liked to teach rock climbing instead of actually doing rock climbing in the wild. He replied, “Well, WAwineman, that’s an easy question. I mean, wouldn’t you also like the view from the bottom when I watch my shorts-with-no-underwear-wearing male clients scale a rock wall while I’m looking up and sipping free Walla Walla wine that I picked up from the nearby wine commission office? How’s tricks?” Uhh, no, Shawn. No, no, no.

Immediately following is Greg P. Utt. Or Pauly. Or when he’s lacking in substance (which is often), Greg Uttless. Or wife of Sean. Or husband. Fuck, who can tell? (You’re right, Jen…the wife always gets the ‘dirty sanchez’. Not that I needed to know that, but thanks.) This ancient dingleberry claims to have been writing on wine since his first trip to France, back around 1860, not-so-coincidentally when Phylloxera nearly wiped out all the vines there. No one has read his scribes from the last century but he feels he is owed “senior wine writer” status and notifies wineries in advance that he expects “only the best wines” on his visits. Yeah, just like all the other consumers who walk through the doors. He is best known for drinking the most wine at his lemon parties near Walla Walla. Thankfully, I have found another use for his bogus writings, besides wrapping fish—as a firestarter to heat up the charcoal.

There are many more supporting characters in WAwineman’s Neighborhood, but you’ll just have to go to the back issues for now. That, or hope they’ll say something about wine that’s so ridfuckingdiculous that I have no choice but to pick it up. For now, they are securely locked up at Western State Mental Institution and being served cheap, bottom-shelf California wine. Cheers to that!

Why? Geez, seriously? Well, we need a place where we can have a forum on the splendors of Washington wine and be ourselves. Do you think you’d still be here, after 350+ reviews, reading about Washington’s glorious wines if it was just me? Do you?

To the wine…

Haystack Needle Wines is an arm of Pacific Wine Enterprises and is run by Robert Alex (Bob) and Lauren Jean Bullock. While they do occupy the D-1200 room in the warehouse district, there is no tasting room open to the public. Robert used to work for a wine distributor before falling to a physical disability. He was then persuaded to start a “wine agent” business, BB Wine Agents. His catalog of wines left open a wide opportunity for ten-buck wines so he decided to start a negociant label, purchasing finished wines from other wineries and slapping his own label to them. His first wine was a sangiovese, and he has since added a red blend (The Eye), a Harvest White (pg, sb, chard), a chardonnay, and a syrah/mourvedre/counoise to the portfolio. The wines can be found at many Puget Sound supermarkets and wine shops.

They burn the candle at both ends in order to get their wines exposed, hosting tastings at establishments as well as donating to local events. I picked up this bottle at a recent event as a comp.

Tasted at 59-64 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: clear Bing cherry. Nose: sweet cherry. Mouthfeel: soft and tart. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: cranberry, cherry, moderate tannins, funk, and a fair amount of acid. Good with a chili dog.

Alcohol: 13.8%. Columbia Valley AVA. Cellared and bottled by Clubhouse Cellars. Rated: 87. Retail: $10. Music pairing: “Do You” by iFFY. This is WAwineman…the last truly independent Washington wine blog.

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6 Responses to Ad: Haystack Needle Wines NV Columbia Valley sangiovese

  1. I finally made the big time! But in a good way. I see you have researched my limited bibliography, but I gave up that gig four years ago. However, I must say that in my 36 years at the “Lab”, I molested far more salmon than you have wine bloggers. As for my wine affiliations, I’m not the president, only a board member. And it’s not necessarily true that I am trying to get more younger people to drink my WA wine, but I would rather hang around with someone who is not likely to drop dead on me and ruin my evening.

    One request: Since I am the first on your list to be labeled as a finger puppet, I choose to be represented by the middle finger or even the opposable thumb. You’re free to assign the pointer, ring, or pinky to any of my puppet cohorts.

    Lastly, is the wine worth 10 bucks? I’m always looking for a good, cheap spaghetti wine.

  2. wawineman says:

    Ab, you are my hero!
    I have more shit on you but I will wait for the perfect moment for that.
    Presidente…board member…all the same to me. You’re basically a big shot. Have to mention that if I lived with Jen or Cyndy in the Cri-Tities, there’s no doubt I would join your wine society. A vibrant wine club that brings in skilled speakers and has fun tours to sacred vineyards is an asset to the local wine world.
    In all honesty, I am honored that you are one of my readers. You know a hella lot more than I do on the local wine scene and you get it.
    Is the wine worth a Hamilton? Yes, if you need a real fix on a weeknight. No, if you have guests you want to impress. Had I been required to place a value…it would have been $7. Great with Chef-Boyardee. Hey, since you asked…

  3. Hey, WineMan, do me a favor. Give me a couple good (realistic) ideas I can present to the board as venues for our 2012 calendar. Our lineup is getting a little stale. Keep in mind that any trips access to bottled oxygen, AED’s, and preferably near a helicopter pad.

  4. wawineman says:

    Ab, you betcha.
    Okay, so I assume you’ve done the Red Willow Monsignor Chapel, Boushey, and Maryhill, among others.
    Here are some ideas (now wearing my comfortable photographer’s hat):
    (1) continue the established ‘top tier’ vineyards such as– Celilo or Underwood Mountain (C. Gorge), the east block of DuBrul (Ratt Hills), Champoux’s Block 1 or The Benches of Wallula (HHH), Klipsun from Blackwood Canyon, the view from Grand Reve’s new vineyard or the sunrise view from Tapteil (Red Mt.), the boulders of Cayuse (WWV), and the view atop Snipes Mountain
    (2) Show off some truly ‘old vines’ like the 1957 cabernet at Otis or the 1917 muscat of alexandria of Upland Vineyard
    (3) add some up-and-coming vineyards like French Creek, Mays’ Discovery, Mellisoni estate, Cooper Wine Co. estate
    (4) throw in an oddball or two… Stretch Island (with its long history and Mt. Rainier and the Sound), Hollywood Hill estate (the only commercial vineyard in Woodinville)
    (5) get some Northwest scenery in the background: Alder Ridge and the Columbia River
    (6) shoot some real chateaus like DeLille Cellars or Bonair
    (7) action shots of harvest–the sorting table, the grapes getting dumped from a forklift to the sorting table, the juice as it’s being pressed, a ‘cheers’ shot of volunteers at a winery meal, a winemaker in the vineyard testing Brix levels
    (8) get some vineyard celebrities in candid shots, like Jarrod Boyle, Mike Andrews, Dr. Busacca, Paul Champoux, Ryan Johnston, Fred Artz, the Milbrandts, etc. Add shock value by making them do something really odd.
    (9) always make effective use of lighting– sunrise or sunset shots, an early morning or late night shot of someone going through the vineyard, candlelight shot of a winemaker crunching numbers
    (10) add some ‘star’ consistency like the latest ‘Legend of Washington Wine’ winner
    (11) include historical plots like the IAREC test vineyard
    (12) include the four seasons in the vineyard: spring blossoms, summer vegetation/trimming/verasion, autumn harvest, winter snow dormancy
    (13) when all else fails…get some hunks and honeys drinking wine. Eye candy always sells.

    I would look for a combination of visual attraction and intellectual learning. A good hook would be to find those ancient vines (pre-1900) that are detailed in The Wine Project book. Mix it up to keep interest.

  5. Edwin, Ma Man!! “Direct Hit”, as mr. Tri-CIties would say. I guess I have finally landed. I don’t know how, or why, or who do I give this honor. First off, I’d like to thank my mother. Mom, thank you for kickin’ my ass through my last divorce and re-assuring me that my ex was a bitch. Second, I’d like to thank God, even though I’m agnostic. Third, I’d like to thank Coop. I have a feeling he’s been influential. Cool guy, love him, his wines and his prostate story. Funny as hell. I must be doing something right to deserve this. Thank you sir.

    Ab, look as us, two poor wine geek fools, spared for an entire year and all of the sudden we get a turd dropped on our heads. Not your everyday turd Scotty, but a full paragraph full of them. I’m so glad you didn’t taken any shit from that Proletariat lovin’ goon and kept writing this blog. I’m still laughing all the way to work on Mondays. I still can’t get on the Twitter. Dammit!!!

    Captain Premier 5000

  6. wawineman says:

    Captain Crunch 5000!
    Hey, if you see that as a compliment, then by all means, congratulations! Lovely winner’s speech there, Cap’n. *facepalm*
    I should have not thrown a hanging breaker to you two. Both of ya don’t have ‘little man syndrome’ like the other chunky buttstains mentioned.
    I was beginning to wonder if you became a Red Sox fan with your silence…
    You are unblocked at last check. Go 4 it.

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