Snoqualmie Vineyards 2010 Naked Riesling

Good lord, what is going on in our schools today… and why can’t I be a senior again? Yet another Californicator high school teacher has taken indecent liberties with his student. A 41 year-old (former) teacher who goes by the surname Hooker recently left his job, his wife and his 17 year-old daughter to shack up with an 18 year-old (from the same school as his daughter’s, no less) at some rinky-dink apartment. I gotta admit she looks kinda decent, but as we all know, (wait for it…men’s advice) you can wrap a piece of turd with gold foil but it’s still a piece of turd on the inside. Thank gawd for the one-night-stand card.. unfortunately, it is often followed by the coyote-syndrome card, if you know what I mean, Vern. But hey, if she learned anything from the dude’s computer class and can do a little programming, there might be an opening in my pod. Just sayin’. Then, there’s the South Carolina teacher who was bored with his class so he turned on the movie “Jackass: Number Two” and showed it to his pupils. As an encore, he did a PowerPoint presentation using the “People of WalMart” website pictures to “express what society expects of people and how people break norms.” He could have avoided the publicity of shaming WalMart customers by instead showing pictures of last year’s Taste Worshington event in the social media area where some assbite wine bloggers were dressed like they were headed for a Big ‘80’s party. And, this out of Boca Raton. Sean Teenyweenie, 42, and Josh Nectarsucker, 39, were arrested Wednesday for stealing thousands of dollars’ worth of, wait for it,… brassieres from a Victoria’s Secret store. Were they smart thieves and tried to make money off of them? We’re talking wine bloggers here so, duh, no… they planned on keeping the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders for personal use or exchanging them for penis pumps at the local Lover’s Package. Don’t believe me? Now you have a real reason to check out Taste Worshington this year.

People talk. Especially at tasting rooms in Woodinville. I hear all sorts of crap but there’s a fondness for dialing in on a conversation when it involves wine bloggers. There’s always the wonder of, “Do wine bloggers piss and shit like the rest of us?” Wine bloggers have a strange obsession with posting signs above their toilets, like it’s words of confirmation and empowerment… or more like confirmation they are all retards. Well, Toto, here’s my compilation of other’s observations after being invited to a wine blogger’s abode and using their bathrooms.

Lisa: “To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”

Kelsey: “If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.”

WAwineman: “If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”

David: “Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…”

Cheryl: “Make love, not war. Hell, do both—get married!”

Stu the vet: “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

Colby: “No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.”

Sean: “You’re too good for him.”

Paul Gwine: “It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”

Shona: “No wonder you always go home alone.”

Snoqualmie Vineyards, formerly Snoqualmie Winery, has such a long and confusing history that even the website doesn’t know when the winery began. The website says “founded in 1984” yet it is known that the original owner, Joel Klein, established the winery in 1983 (as stated on its historical notes on the same website). Not so surprising then that the winery continued on its foundation of turmoil (and poor vision) as the founder left his winery in 1987, opening the door for Mike Januik as winemaker for not just Snoqualmie, but also Langguth and Saddle Mountain. Mr. Januik, sensing doom, departed for the safe confines of Chateau Ste. Michelle in 1990 and that move foreshadowed the purchase of the winery by CSM the following year. CSM moved all winemaking operations from the property to Columbia Crest Winery (where Joy Andersen became, and still is, the winemaker), choosing instead to use the scenic plot of land, nestled close to Snoqualmie Falls, as a multi-use facility for storage, an extended tasting room, and a location to plan summer events. The place burned to a crisp in early 1999, just over a year after CSM completely shutdown the building. With a new millennium came a new name, changing to Snoqualmie Vineyards and in 2001, a new address in the Prosser area, although the wines continue to be made in Paterson. I will end with the 2004 introduction of their “Naked” lineup, starting with a gewürztraminer, and a “Nearly Naked” (read: uncertified) riesling.

“Naked” simply refers to their definition of certified organically grown grapes. Certification comes from our State’s Department of Agriculture. Basically, it’s for those that care so much about how the grapes were grown. Personally, I could care less about pesticides, herbicides, and fungicides so long as I don’t taste it in my wines. What growers do to their lands is really none of my damn business. If certification makes people feel like they are doing something good for the earth, then do us all a real favor and go to China and shut off all those coal-burning factories then head to India and filter all that runoff from those drug-making behemoths. That would truly be making a difference versus just imagining you get a little halo above your fivehead.

Food pairing was leftover spaghetti, scarpetta, and Beechers Smoked Flagship cheese. Actually worked well.

Tasted at 44-49 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: straw. Nose: coy peach blossom. Mouthfeel: medium syrup, mild tart. Tail trail: 5 seconds. Flavors: sweet (I guessed at least 2%), peach, lime, kiwi.

Alcohol: 12.0% (website lists 12.3%). Columbia Valley AVA. pH 2.91. TA 0.80%. RS 3.0%. 100% organically grown riesling. “Naked wines are blended and bottled in our USDA-certified organic facility.” Okayyy. Lots of cases. Power: 1/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 87. Value: $7. Paid: $10. Music pairing: “Naked” by Dev. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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