Poor Anny has lost control of Sean Hong of Walla Walla (free) wine report after they were denied entry to Betz Family Winery’s release party. Last Tuesday, a man with a gay pornstache and Asian fetish was arrested at a north Seattle Rite-Aid for shoplifting a Trojan vibrating condom, lube, mascara, and other transsexual items before Tazing the store’s loss prevention officer. Then on Friday, a man wearing a size-A bra and wig was arrested after being spotted in a women’s bathroom at Everett Community College with a pair of pantyhose (over a ‘sample’ wine bottle) in his front pocket. Other women who were in the same bathroom alerted authorities and easily identified the loser out of a lineup because he was hung like a hamster. In a related story, Seattle city officials have noticed a huge spike in human waste within the downtown core. Since 2007, the number of calls complaining about fecal smells has increased over 130%, with most of those calls originating from the local Hulu office bitching about their wine commission neighbors down the hall. Two employees, Jonathan and Richard, witnessed several wine flacks rounding the hallway corner then returned while rearranging themselves. And finally, this out of Kennewick: women at the local Gold’s Gym involuntarily participated in a study that found several of them reached orgasm while working on core exercises, the so-called “coregasm.” Researchers from Abernethi and Associates monitored the early morning habits of these active women and concluded the coregasms occurred after really exerting themselves on abdominal exercises like crunches. “There was at least one woman who was a virgin and she really loved that she could experience climax at the gym,” Abernethi stated, although he was somewhat dismayed to find out it was from crunches and not her watching the researchers strain and grunt on the elliptical machine. He mentioned his research would continue for the foreseeable future with plans to expand sites to rehab facilities.
I swear, what is wrong with the monkeys of the next generation? The latest form of entertainment for them, that has gone viral, is called the “cinnamon challenge.” This apparently grew out of those gross-out television shows such as “Fear Factor,” “Man vs. Food,” and “Bizarre Foods.” It’s a simple contest that’s made for video. The unwitting fool swallows a tablespoonful of ground cinnamon without drinking anything. Sounds simple but let’s take a look at the draw.
Cinnamon is a spice that, historically, was valued for its flavoring and preserving of foods. Cinnamon itself is the dried inner bark from Cinnamomum trees that are mostly grown in the spice capital of the world, Sri Lanka. Current market prices range from $6 to $9 per kilogram, based on classification. Cinnamon is commonly found in the spice aisle of your local supermarket as a fine powder. This form, along with its “hot” aromatic taste (cinnamaldehyde), contributes to the failure of many who attempt to ingest this potent, sweet wood.
Besides the chemical and physical attributes of cinnamon, what makes the challenge unbearable is the powder’s drying qualities. For anyone who has experienced “dry mouth,” it’s a fact that swallowing something without a liquid coating (that’s one reason why we have saliva) is like asking a wine blogger to buy a bottle of ultra-premium wine. Not. Gonna. Happen. The usual result of this challenge is the formation of a brown cloud of expelled spice followed by fits and bouts of gagging, coughing and the occasional hurling sound. Well, I guess it’s funny until someone coughs up a lung, which apparently has occurred in Michigan.
Speaking of the next generation of snot-nosed, attention-starved tech geeks, what the hell is up with their preference toward sweet red wines? Red wines should NEVER be sweet if anyone wants to be taken seriously. I consider it a major winemaking flaw. It’s like pouring refined sugar over a grilled ribeye steak. What. The. Fuck. ?. Oh yeah, I forgot, these snibbly, pubic-hair-shaving wunderkids want to blaze their own path rather than follow basic tenets, so go at it, hipster kiddies, enjoy your sweet red wines with your meals! Heck, it only sets them back five bucks and they get that wine-bottle-on-the-table chic look that makes them appear savvy. After all, it’s all about appearances, not substance. Heartbreaking.
Bodega Elena de Mendoza appears to be a new Argentina winery, although it gives the impression of having a long history with its winery being named after Elena Napoli, “whose parents emigrated from Italy… in the nineteenth century.” The winery’s first commercial export began with the 2007 vintage and currently offers only three wines: this, a malbec, and a chardonnay. I suspect this wine was custom made for Wine Brokers Unlimited out of Hayward, California to cater to the ultra-hot five-buck-chuck category of wine aficionados. I also suspect the rumors of being a subsidiary of Gallo are true. Figures.
You need some good news. The featured music pairing is that of the band, Karmin (a mashup of carmen–Latin for song, and karma), that is led by talented lead vocalist Amy Heidemann and her fiancée, keyboardist Nick Noonan. Amy (born May 8, 1986) hails from Seward, Nebraska while Nick grew up in Maine. The pair met at Berklee College of Music and their featured video tells of how they hooked up over a celery stick at a house party. Oddly, what attracts Karmin’s fans is not the creative lyrics and catchy beats, but it’s all about her ‘rapping’ abilities. Yeah, this from a white girl from Middle America. The band is loading up on its resume, besides being the featured music pairing awhile back with “Crash Your Party,” with their song “Take It Away” being the theme for the 2011 NBA Finals and appearing on tv shows “Ellen” and “Saturday Night Live.” But, this is the song that elevates them to superstar status, along with prominent placement in your local dentist’s office for years to come. Good stuff.
Tasted at 51-58 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: garnet-edged dark magenta. Nose: smoky black cherry, raspberry, cherry. Mouthfeel: thin. Tail trail: 3 seconds. Flavors: sweet blackberry, vanilla, mint, heat, plum.
Alcohol: 13.5%. 62% malbec, 21% syrah, 17% bonarda. Power: 1/5. Balance: 1/5. Depth: 0/5. Finesse: 0/5. Rated: 82. Value: $3. Paid: $4 (includes rebate). Retail: $11. Music pairing: “Brokenhearted” by Karmin. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.