Dedicated to Chris. And Jennifer and Ernie.
Here’s the summer collection of tweets and Facebook entries from some of your most obnoxious, fugly wine blogging liars (and one funny one). Enjoy!
Sean: “I’ve never gone down on a man, but I’m probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I’ve stopped soda fizz from overflowing.” Jameson: “Ahem. You are.”
Anny: “Trying to have make-up sex but the lipstick keeps breaking off inside me.”
Hillary: “What’s your sexual orientation?” Shona: “I’m a sexual atheist.” Hillary: “What does that mean?” Shona: “I don’t believe I’ll ever get laid.”
Josh: “Alcoholic Jesus died for your gins.” Ben: “winegrape Jesus died for your skins.” Antoine: “wine blogger Jesus died for your spins.” Rand: “wine award Jesus died for your wins.” Tom: “california red Jesus died for your zins.” Keith: “You people are fu*kin’ GAYYY.”
SeattleWinehooch: “Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re ‘players,’ but when I do it, I’m a ‘lesbian.'”
Erin: “You know when you have a hole in your shirt and constantly touching it makes it bigger? God, I hope that doesn’t happen to vaginas.”
Paul: “If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebee’s, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebee’s.”
WAwineman: “if you watch pregnancy backwards, it’s about a she-monster that absorbs a child into her vagina and keeps it in her uterus for 9 months, absorbing its nutrients, then a man puts his penis in her vagina, sucking up all the remains.” Chris: “what.” Chris: “the.” Chris: “f*ck.” Scott: “is” Scott: “wrong” Scott: “with” Scott: “you.” WMD: “u r a seriously disturbed individual. Also, I would like to see this please.” Antoine: “Cool.”
At a recent blogger bacchanal in Portland, one of the topics discussed in a roundtable session was wine blogging and pregnancy. Some background—female wine bloggers/groupies (and their loser partners) here in the Puget Sound area are mostly a dawdy, frumpy, shriveled-pair-of-ovaries-toting and unwashed set of losers that last shaved their armpits before the last Backstreet Boys concert. The forum conductor, who shall remain anonymous, was a top-rated OB/GYN practitioner and a regular reader of this blog. Here are some excerpts from this rather rather-dull-turned-educating meeting:
Q: “Should I have a baby after 35?” A: “No. 35 children is enough.”
Q: “I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?” A: “ With any luck, right after he finishes college.”
Q: “What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?” A: “Childbirth.”
Q: “My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes, she’s borderline irrational.” A: “So what’s your question?”
Q: “My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?” A: “Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.”
Q: “When is the best time to get an epidural?” A: “Right after you find out you’re pregnant.”
Q: “Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?” A: “Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.”
Q: “Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?” A: “Yes, pregnancy.”
Q: “Do I have to have a baby shower?” A: “Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.”
Q: “Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?” A: “When the kids are in college.”
Christopher D. Cary (47, Cowiche by way of Illinois, New Jersey, and Tennessee), and his wife BPC, is a big time environmental/civil engineer at a major company located in Selah and, states an associate, absolutely loves dealing with the State Department of Ecology to ensure wastewater systems meet appropriate standards. He was also the author of a temporary wine blog that detailed his travels through the Yakima Valley AVA before giving up the gig at the end of 2010.
Followers of this blog have long known that I respect a writer who is honest and forthcoming in describing wines and wineries. A voice without bias and is representative of the area he discusses. One would think this is par for the course, but let’s face it, even in the wine blogging community, there are cliques and backroom deals where it’s “pay to play.” Clowns like Sean Patrick S. who boasts an “independent wine blog” while getting paid by the Washington Wine Commission to write about wineries they are comfortable with and fellow asshats Shona and Margot who clearly hype up specific wineries and wines while dissing the moniker that they are “wine bloggers,” there is overwhelmingly unfortunate evidence that wine bloggers in this community are using Washington wines to further their own self-glorification rather than reward their readers with an in-depth exploration of Washington wineries. Wine aficionados out-of-state have long caught on to this and blame these two-bit wine bloggers as one of the contributing factors as to why Washington does not get more respect for its wines from the rest of the world. They see through the bogus bullshit written by these belching buttstains. Wineries are already catching on to this façade and are no longer giving away their sample wines to these moochers. My hat’s off to you if you diss a wine blogger!
Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I am not giving you a more detailed bio of Chris. He has chosen to pull back from the crowd and work toward his own winery. Honest work without dealing with the fakery so abundant in wine blogger circles. His family’s privacy will be respected here, but you can still catch him and his wife wandering the Yakima Valley wine trails. Thanks Chris, you provided a thorough insight into the smaller, unhyped gems and your blog was an asset to all wineries in the Yakima Valley! And yes, I went to a few of those wineries and bought some wines. I will be going back again and continuing on the trail you cleared.
Getting back to the wine… well, this is really unfair. Chris had asked for an honest review so here it is. An accomplice brought this in a bag and opened it. After popping the cork (literally), the effervescence spilled over making me think we were having champagne. The first sip was raw. I felt the enamel disintegrating in my mouth as I swirled the sample but that was quickly followed up with a lively base of fruit that kept dancing on my palate. I gave it a few more minutes to let it settle. Give it about an hour after opening to remove the spritz kick. Food pairing was pork tenderloin and Ritz crackers, both excellent pairings as the wine elevated the dinner flavors. I drink a lot of riesling, with prices ranging from $6 to $20 and with all levels of sweetness. This one scored a ‘91’ on my final notes and I gathered this came from one of the upper-echelon wineries, on par with Januik Winery, Eroica, and Efeste. Well done, Chris. Quit your day job.
Tasted at 34-58 degrees on the IR temp gun. Sparkling straw and 14k gold in the Riedel. Crisp and light-bodied but with an enduring streak of honeysuckle, white/yellow flowers, licorous Yakima white peach, lime, melon, kiwi, Granny Smith apple, Schweppes, and passionflower honey. Guessing the RS sits 1.5-2%.
Alcohol: 12.5%. Yakima Valley AVA. 67 bottles produced. Blue bottle hand-numbered 61/67 from private stock. Grapes from Patricia and George’s vineyard at Vineheart. Released July 17, 2010 (Ernest & Jennifer’s wedding day). Quote from the couple: “Sharp, refreshing and delightful: characteristics that make this couple a favorite. It all started with a little crush and developed into a long lasting love. Our lives have grown stronger from the support of our family and friends. Let this love blossom into a sweet nectar from which we can toast to our future.” Vinted and bottled by Yak Yak Wine, Sunnyside, Washington.
Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 91. Music pairing: “Windows Down” by Big Time Rush. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.