Our crack investigative team has uncovered the mysterious breakup of Sean and Anny and newfound bond between Sean and Jameson. Not that anyone with decency wants to know, but deep down… you know you want to know what happened with this bisexual social media triangle. Excerpts were taken from social media postings…
Let’s rewind to fruitier days when an unemployed software developer romanced the manager of a dive faux-Chinese take-out joint…
Anny: “You need to share your feelings more.”
Sean: “I’m hungry. I’m horny. My butt itches. I just let one…”
Anny (in bed): “Psst… honey.”
Anny: “Do you have any, y’know… fantasi”
Sean: “Put these pinecones in your butt.”
Anny: “Tomorrow you wake up as the opposite sex. What’s the first thing you will do?”
Sean: “Take a piss standing up.”
Anny: “Tomorrow night is going down. Period.”
Sean: “Don’t mention going down and period in the same status… still cleaning the pornstache from last time.”
Sean: “STD testing today. Wish me luck. I got a feeling I’ll need it thanks to Princess Charming.”
Melinda: “Congrats, Sean the Shitmouth, I heard you got engaged!”
Sean: “Yeah, but my parents don’t really approve, though.”
Melinda: “Aw, that’s rough.”
Sean: “They think she can do way better.”
Sean: I asked her… babe, how much did you love me when we first met? 0-10. She said 0. Okay, what about now?–a billion times that.
Chris: That’s still zero, you dumbass.
Sean: “I would have to say the sexiest thing a woman can do is be honest.”
Anny: “Oh. Well then, I should tell you that I’m a man after comparing your unit with mine.”
Anny: “When you wake up in the middle of the night, and he’s still holding your hand in his sleep. <3"
Babs: "That's because you forgot to take the handcuffs off! LOL!"
Sean: “I need to break up with my girlfriend. She keeps beating me.”
Jameson: “What? Oh no, honey.”
Sean: “And it’s not even that! The words she uses…”
Jameson: “Yeah, words can hurt, too.”
Jameson: “But you always seem happy together. When does this happen?”
Sean: “Everytime we play Scrabble.”
Sean: "I told Anny her restaurant's chicken was dry and tasteless and she said it was made out of my humor."
Walmart: Good things come in small packages! Now selling the iPod Mini for $299 at your local Walmart!
Sean: I wish my gf thought good things come in small packages…
Anny: "I can't handle this anymore. I have to break up with you."
Sean: "HUH?! WHY? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG??"
Anny: "Oh sorry! Wrong person."
Sean: "WAIT!? WHAT?!?!?"
Sean: "Awkward moment when your girlfriend kisses her parents right after she's sucked ya dick (:"
Hosdad Hong: "awkward moment when your girlfriends dad reads and comments on your status and bans you from the house unless you make a public apology in front of the 27 people that like this status and you apologize to my daughter for making her out to be a slag. P.s. the excuse you were fraped aint gonna wash by the way."
John: "Ouch. Yet another reason why us dads have Facebook."
(19 minutes later)
Anny went from being "in a relationship" to being "single"
Sean Sillyvain is single
Josh: Uh oh, what happened?
Chip: There are rides at the fair that last longer than your relationships…
Anny: "The only place I wanna be is home in my bed with a box of tissues! Wahhhh!"
Margot: "Miss u love"
Sean: "You know, if I wrote that status, it would sound completely different."
Sean: A single touch brings on an immeasurable onslaught of emotion, benign and malicious, happy and sad. I am a mess right now.
Steve: That’s masturbation for ya.
Anny: It’s hard to breathe when there’s something in your throat, like breath, or tears.
Cheryl: Or a penis.
Sean: how to get a hot boyfriend
Sean: whoops! I thought this was google.
Sean: but really, does anyone know how?
Sean: guys, you can please stop liking this. it’s not helping… I need answers! #thestruggleisreal
Shona: U ok?
Anny: I feel like dead inside. I keep breaking down. We were going on three years and it was over just like that; so fast and shocking it’s unbelievable.
Kori: You got married?
Sean: Life is good. In the sun, on the grass playing with a snake.
Clive: Wish I got paid to beat it on the grass.
Sean: I just want to know what you want.
Anny: I get the same reply when I walk into a new tasting room and tell the manager my life’s problems.
Sean: Girls, I’m single now, don’t crush on me. You’re just going to get hurt. I promised someone I’d wait for him and I’m not looking for someone now.
Babs: Don’t worry. No one was planning on it.
Jameson: “People cry, overreact, and just act like a plain out female when it’s their time of the week… She knows who I’m talking about… You’re supposed to be the hardcore intellectual wine know-it-all, so why can’t you deal with a small problem like this, you obsessed moron.”
Anny: “You FUCKED my ex-boyfriend… AT MY FUCKING HOUSE!”
Anny: “I’ve been called worse.”
Sean: “Oh really? Like what?”
Anny: “Your girlfriend.”
Sean: “I won’t cry for you. My mascara’s too expensive.”
Sean: "Hey girls."
Sean: "I may not have the biggest muscles."
Sean: "Or the nicest looks."
Sean: "Or the biggest heart."
Sean: "Or the sweetest personality."
Sean: "Or money."
Sean: "Or youth."
Sean: "And definitely not even a big penis."
Sean: "Okay, I have nothing."
Sean: I swear, girls can be so ungrateful sometimes. I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying “thank you,” she’s all like… “how did you get in my house?”
Sean: "At least 1 like and I'll get drunk all by myself."
(1 thumbs up) Sean likes this
Sean: "In case you never realized, going out to eat alone costs about 1/2 as much as a date."
Andy: "I have a name for it."Masturdating." Taking yourself out for a nice meal."
Sean: "I just received a chain letter, and if I don’t send it, a dead girl will appear in my closet. Guess who’s gettin’ laid tonight!"
Sean: Dear Facebook, I have been hacked. I apologize for any weird comments that have been posted ranging from the past three days to a few hours ago.
Jameson: So is that why you inboxed me looking for sex?
Sean: Naw. That was actually me. We’ll talk later.
Sean: “Trying to decide between taking Anny to free cheap wine event in Marysville or go to Jameson’s to get laid.”
Jameson: “Duh! Come on over.”
Sean: “Lmao. That’s what I was thinking.”
Sean: "My girlfriend and I are so different. I exist and she doesn't."
Sean: "how paintball went today. Well… I took two shots to the dick. That’s how it went."
Anny: "How’d they hit such a small target?"
Ryan: "You changed your iPhone4 for an extra inch? Hope your boyfriend doesn’t do the same."
Sean: "According to my Nike Fuel Band, I just masturbated for 4 miles."
Sean: "I'm so excited to come out this weekend and see my old friends at the Forever Alone Party (FAP)."
Clive: "You do know the meaning of FAP right?"
Sean: "Yes. But in this case, it's a forever alone party!"
Clive: "Isn't it always?"
Sean: "Party at my house! Don't come if your uglyyyy."
Anny: "Guess you're not going then."
Steve: "Not a good idea to have a party at your house if you won't be there. Just sayin'."
Sean: "I wish I was in a gang so I knew what to do with my hands in pictures."
Madeline: "How's the breakup with Anny going?"
Sean: "It's difficult adjusting to it."
Sean: "I keep getting phantom blowjobs."
Derek: "I heard your girlfriend broke up with you. How are you doing?"
Sean: "I guess I'm fine. There are still plenty of fish in the sea."
Derek: "Actually, due to commercial fishing, the fish populations have been steadily decreasing worldwide. It's a serious problem!"
Sean: "I'm talking about my love life. Why are you bringing up global problems?"
Derek: "Because the planet might still have a chance…"
Sean: "I think I masturbated fifty times today."
Sean: "OMG. AUTOCORRECT."
Sean: "I meant to say I masturbated like sixty times today."
Ted: "Sean’s pickup lines he learned from his ex-Chinese gf: Would you like a drink? (Ni xiang he dian shenme?), followed by You look like some cousin of mine. (Ni zhangde xiang wo biaomei.)"
Sean: “Spiked wine, Fall, cuddles with Jameson, and cold weather… loving it!”
Scott: “Sir, your man card has been revoked.”
Sean: “Any logical man knows the cold weather brings you closer to your guy.”
Scott: “If you could please report to your nearest Man Card Office and turn in your revoked card, it would be greatly appreciated.”
Sean: “Don’t be so hard on me!”
Scott: “It can also be mailed if you are unable to appear in person due to any viral flareups.”
Sean: “Thanks, man card division!”
Sean: "A real boyfriend: calls you for nothing, texts you all the time, wants to see you, cries, gets jealous, is over-protective, and loves you."
Sean: "So I got this white stucky stuff all over my laptop and it won't come off, anybody got any ideas?"
Paul: "Get a girlfriend."
Sean: "I just went on my mom's iPad and her most recent search was 'I think my 43 year-old son is gay.' Thanks, mom."
Sean's mom: "Only 3 possible answers for your changing your Twitter picture."
Sean's mom: "1. You've grown into your homosexuality."
Sean's mom: "2. You're friends with Elton John."
Sean's mom: "3. You had that writer from Choad Enthusiast in the house (and showed him your pee-pee)."
Sean’s mom: "(hands Sean a sock with a face drawn on it, with lips) 'Here. Because you can’t find a real girl, I made your current one prettier. Love, mom.'"
And finally, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS! we uncovered Sean’s celebratory dive in the pool after getting dumped.
Kiona Vineyards & Winery has been around forever, as any decent Washington wine drinker will attest. Longer than Leonetti Cellar. Longer than Bonair Winery. Longer than Quilceda Creek Vintners. While the Williams family could have easily exploited their holdings on Red Mountain, they chose the high road and produced quality wines affordable by the masses. The Red Mountain pre-AVA era was awash with, well… let’s just say there wasn’t a lot of money invested on Sunset Road back then. Any local observer only need point to where the old Seth Ryan Winery and Blackwood Canyon Vintners shacks used to deal out less-than-premium wines. Then came Hedges and Col Solare and the rush was on to acquire prime acreage in what is Washington’s smallest (and most sought-after) AVA. Sunset Road quickly became a high-rent district with the addition of the likes of Hightower Cellars, Tapteil Vineyard, Portrait Cellars, Fidelitas, and Cooper Wine Company. Top tier wineries producing top tier wines at higher prices.
However, Kiona was there first. And with that, their fixed costs to produce wine on Red Mountain, estate wines no less, are meager compared to their neighbors. How low was never revealed until recently as you can check their current website. $4.96 to produce a bottle of wine??? Whoa. So what if it sounds like the wine bottle in discussion is their beautiful lemberger? (And Kiona lemberger is a wonderful, no frills red wine!) It’s just an economic fact that wines (or any commodity) cost more to produce each year, but Kiona has held the line since forever. Until now. JJ Williams’ heartfelt letter admitting submission to economic reality reflects the old-school mentality that was instilled in him by his father. But, to concede that prices have to be raised and almost apologize to Kiona’s long following of that concession is, well, classy to say the least. As you can imagine, the Williams’ family doesn’t drive a Rolls Royce around the neighborhood like, ahem!, some other money grubbers. Note to JJ: thank you for the memo, but your entire lineup of wines has been underpriced (and hence, a secret value amongst real Washington wine drinkers) for more than a few years. Those who BUY wine know Kiona as one of the finest values in the State. Keep up the great work and thank you for representing Washington State.
Food pairing was pork ribs and a crisp Caesar salad. Smooth.
Tasted at 43-49 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: illuminated light gold. Nose: peach, yellow flowers. Mouthfeel: slight acid bite, light-bodied and a little syrupy. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: ripe summer peach, plump honeydew melon, orange zest. Guessed RS at 2%.
Alcohol: 12.5%. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 87. Value: $8. Paid: $8. Music pairing: “Don’t Fail Me Now” by Melanie Amaro. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.