Paul Guttless has been in the news lately, if you haven’t noticed from all the bloggers he’s lubricated over the years. So my gf told me the movie, ’42’, was out… I replied, “I didn’t know they made a movie about Paul Gutt’s wine IQ.” As a movie sequel, “Rise of The Planet of the Apes” is reported to be the Guttless one’s re-entry into the wine blogosphere. At some point, even the densest of wine blog readers will figure out this crybaby’s continuous catcalls for sympathy and tell the crispy, fat banjo-strumming bastard to go eff himself. Oh no… he reads this so you can bet he’ll go stomp on down to the kitchen and microwave his pussy, err.. cat. Precept Wines released a trio of ho-hum wines that Paulee is claiming to be his, even though the credit for making those wines goes to other halfwits who are powerless to stand up to the powers that be. I mean, seriously, this Shitsburg Sellers wines is so typically gutless… a wine blogger who did NOT monitor the daily wine process with his own decision making, all the while having “discounted” (read: free) access to some of the mother ship’s better vineyard sources. How do you say two-faced? How about…ASSHOLE. Then, there’s the crybaby’s siren that he will (FINALLY) cease writing for the local fishwrap, despite years of growing howls that he surrender his post as he just became irrelevant. I mean, when a wine writer wastes an entire Sunday column writing about his boorish sidetrip to an obscure, average California winery… hey ASSHOLE, it’s time retire to those Okanogan poorgrass pastures he worked his entire life for.
Speaking of bad hair-dye jobs, Sean recently flexed his Twitless muscles by flashing a picture of him in front of a six-pack of bogus Leonetti wines. This comes after his recent sponsored trip to Zealand where a woman accused him of leaving his jizz on her bicycle seat at a train station. The anonymous woman exclaimed, “At first, I thought it was some kind of sick wine blogger joke, but when it happened for a third time and he left an empty Kevin Black Winery bottle next to my bicycle, I reported it to the bobbies. It’s bloody disgusting, mon.” The woman said she did not invite the 43 year-old pervert to lubricate her bicycle seat and feared that children might witness the male “adjusting his two-inch helmet” from a nearby playground. What is it about wine bloggers? Bad hair dye jobs. Childless fucks. Holsteins for partners. Totally dead broke and can only afford twenty dollar wines despite recommending overpriced $80 plonk from a southeastern region in the Northwest. I mean, seriously, if you know people who read that crap, you know they are dumber than shit.
Lone Birch is all about the 70 year-old tree that stands in the Miller family vineyard that is also home to their first label, Airfield Estates. You can read all about it on their website. The two “wineries” share space in the old “Vintner’s Village” zone on Merlot Drive in Prosser. While Airfield Estates has a thriving tasting room in Woodinville, the knock on their wines is their inconsistency. Some good wines, some not-so-good. Nothing wrong with that. Think Chateau Ste. Michelle. Columbia Gallo Winery. Precept Wines. It happens in any industry… you get too big and lose sight of the qualities that got you there. Such is life.
As for this wine, well, confusing to say the least. This tasted more like a riesling-gewurz mashup than a true gewurz. Washington gewürztraminer is mostly about the true-to-varietal tropical flavors, namely fresh lychee. Most wine bloggers claim to know lychee, but have never actually eaten a lychee fresh off the tree. They don’t know the relative ease in removing its spiny red shell to get to the pearly white fruit and that large, mahogany seed in the center. The only lychee they came in contact with was from a Costco-sized gallon can labeled “fruit cocktail.” That is not lychee. That is heated fruit cocktail in high-fructose syrup. Wine bloggers are such transparent, lame posers…
To the wine.
Tasted at 44-55 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: dark albarino (light straw). Nose: ripe peach, lime, rocks. Mouthfeel: light but sweet. Tail trail: 4 seconds. Flavors: spicy grapefruit, peach, kiss of lime, kiwi, white rock. More a riesling than a classic gewurz. Paired with take-out Chinese food–smooth.
Alcohol: 12.8% (12.3% on tech sheet; no buzz). pH 3.26. TA 0.62%. RS 1.1%. Bottled: April 16, 2012. 1574 cases. Winery recommends drinking window through 2014… gewurz is meant to be drunk immediately, so don’t wait until 2014. Stelvin cap. Power: 1/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 86. Value: $7. Paid: $10. Music: “Don’t Stop The Party” by Pitbull, celebrating the announcement of the removal of the shitstain from the Sunday Pacific Northwest magazine. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.