The Magnificent Wine Company 2008 Columbia Valley pinot noir

The National Institutes of Health (NIH), acting on The Seattle Times’ forced retirement of its Sunday wine columnist, will suspend all new grants involving chimpanzee research. The director of the NIH was quoted as saying he felt that the chimp’s “closest relative” has retired to a b&b in Waitsburg and should be allowed to live out the rest of their monkeyass lives on the funny farm. Then there’s the report of a Sean sighting in Texas, where an “optimistic shoplifter” dropped into a 7-Eleven store and lifted a $31 box of Extenze penis-growth pills and a $19 box of Trojan Magnum rubbers. This mirrors a similar report filed by Durn Good Grocery Store that is not-so-coincidentally located kitty-corner to Sean’s shoebox flat. Hmm. Perhaps that dickweed and his me-too buddy, Ben Slime-ons, had a tryst back in Ben’s hometown… Poor Lizzy and Anny. And this quickee from Ballard… a 59 year-old homeowner clubbed a burglar’s noggin’ with some cheap pottery after the robber urinated in her basement and poured beer in her washing machine. When the po-po arrived and retrieved the 18-pack box of beer, only five cans remained unopened. If you are scoring this at home, that’s 13 cans of beer filtered through some dreg’s kidney, some one-and-a-quarter gallons of fluid, and finding a home on the poor woman’s floor. At the local precinct, the poor slob confessed he thought he was in his own abode but was mistaken. Riiiiight. Like we all piss in our basements after indulging in a luxurious purchase of an 18-pack of beer.

Tasted at 50-62 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: rusty ruby with brown rims. Nose: strawberry, cherry. Mouthfeel: diluted. Tail trail: 2 seconds. Flavors: white strawberry, beet juice, cooked raspberry slop, green cranberry, stewed plum, black pepper. Comments heard: “awful,” “sucks,” “leaves a bitter aftertaste like after reading a Paul Gregutt column,” and “so will Sean again recommend this assjuice just to spite us?”

Alcohol: 13.5%. Rumored pH was 4.11. Rumored TA was 0.43. How’s this for a typical distorted wine blogger comment: “honest effort… easily worth more than the $5 (unnamed Grossery Outlet) is selling it for.” No. Rated: 65. Value: $1. Paid: $15. Advisory: should only be used for cooking beef burgundy, which is more than I can say about some “social media expert’s” ’59’ rated sangiovese. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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