Townshend Cellar 2003 Columbia Valley cabernet sauvignon

It’s heating up in Seattle so why not… welcome to the dating issue!

Winemakers, especially single winers, know to front the tasting rooms to check out all the hot bodies in slinky clothes entering the premises when the thermo breaks 80. And, while the temperatures have awakened the grizzled from their cellar lair, these clumsy wine geeks fall flat on their first impressions with rather clumsical one-liners, thinking they are trying to sound witty when their choice of come-ons turns out to be rather witless. It’s a symptom of a deeply hidden derp gene that commonly plagues wine bloggers as you will later witness from the exhibits we present to you. Be warned, for women– this could lead to dryness so have an extra tube of Vagisil within arm’s length; for men– well, think about engaging that dust-covered penis pump under the bed…

Our crack investigative team surveyed the local landscape here in Woodinville about sexual relations and revelations and summarized the responses. Mind you, names have been altered to protect the impotent, er… innocent.

Cheryl: “I wanna be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed.”

Angie: “Wanted… looking for someone to take romantic walks… in between tasting rooms at the warehouse.”

Tracy: “Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry or as a human shield.”

Cliff: “If you think someone is giving you a fake number, read it back to them immediately. If she corrects you, then it’s legit.”

Steve: “I just want you to be happy… and a little bit naked.”

Paul: “If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, does that mean my ex- is going to sleep with them, too?”

Jeff: “Science is like sex. It has practical uses, but that’s not why we do it.”

Ross: “A shout out to all the beautiful women who don’t need to dress half-naked to get a man’s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.”

Mark: “This piece of code is like a woman, you think you understand it, then you realize you have no clue.”
Alla: “And the worst part is when you realize that all of your troubles came down to a single missed period.”

Jackie: “Guys are like bras; they hook up behind your back.”
Chip: “Girls are like condoms; they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.”

Kevin: “The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.”

… then the wine bloggers (uninvited) chime in, via text:

Sean: “Dude, you’re so fat.”
Wineman: “You wanna know why I’m fat?”
Sean: “Why?”
Wineman: “Cause everytime I fuck your girlfriend, she gives me a biscuit.”
Sean: “WHAT WAS THAT?”
Wineman: “Oops, gotta go. Biscuit break.”

Shona: “Roses are red”
Shona: “I have a phone”
Shona: “Nobody texts me”
Shona: “Forever alone”

Wineman: “I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god!”

Jen: “Sex is like jellybeans; sometimes, you just want to know what you put in your mouth.”

Bean: “Real women make your dick hard… not your life.”
Sean: “They don’t even do that for me. #TeamGayyy”

Dave: “Hey, do you want to go out with me?”
Margot: “I’m already your wife, stupid.”
Dave: “Oops, wrong number.”
Margot: “It’s ok.”
Margot: “wait… WHAT DO YOU MEAN WRONG NUMBER?!?!?”

Paul: “Tonight… feels different.”
Karen: “I’m guessing you lubed your splinter this time.”

Trey: “Don’t ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems. A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.”

Sean: “How do you like my new girlfriend?”
Jameson: “To be honest, I don’t like her at all. I’m sorry.”
Sean: “Don’t you worry. I don’t like her either. She’s a terrible person.”
Jameson: “What? Then why on earth are you going out with her?”
Sean: “Because that way, I won’t be sad when we break up.”

Lisa: “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”

Wineman: “Things you would say to your computer but not your girlfriend…”
Mark: “Awww, it’s gone down again.”
Brian: “Wow! It’s got a lot of RAM.”
Jeff: “Boing! Well, that was a lot easier to get into than I thought.”
Kevin: “Next year, I’m getting rid of it and getting a new model.”
Chris: “C’mon, let go of my floppy!”

Sean: “What are you doing tonight?”
Jameson: “You.”
Sean: “Agreed!”

And, finally, a “top 10 list” of classic wineman tips on how to score with your goddess!

10. “Single? You had my curiosity; now, you have my attention.”
9. “It’s been a long day. I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.”
8. “Let’s go into the barrel room as I’m about to have a massive horny attack!”
7. “I bet a lot of drunk guys hit on you, but I’m different from them… I’m not drunk.”
6. “I avoid those online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don’t want to go out with a weirdo.”
5. “I like you so much that whenever I see you, I get a boner. Not like a penis boner, but a boner in my heart. A heart boner. A heart-on. An affection erection!”
4. When training a hot, new gal in the tasting room– “Touch it gently, I put two fingers inside. If it’s wide, I use three fingers. I make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep. That’s how you wash wine glasses.”
3. “I’m a weapon of mass seduction!”
2. “Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?” (One gal’s response: “How about I walk my foot up your ass?” I think she was a lesbian…)
and the number 1 line that always gets me in her bed…
“The human body has 206 bones. When I’m with you, I have 207.”

Townshend Cellar is located at the intersection of the boonies and the sticks. In other words, a northern suburb of Spokant. Oops. I meant Spokane. Home of the Indians baseball team. What have we learned about denigrating Native Americans in the 21st century? In Spokane, nothing. Indians are from India, not the Inland Empire. Great cities have their own version of chocolate. Seattle has quite a few examples in Theo, Dilletante, and Fran’s. What does Speakan have? Chocolate Apothecary. What the hell is an apothecary? Sounds like an enema. Oh, alright. I give in. Yes, I have a weakness for Gonzaga U. women. Rich-ass bitches. Then, there’s Zip’s Drive-In. Have you had ‘The Boss’? OH GOD! We have nothing so menacing in a burger out here. Eat that monster after a movie and your gf will think you grew an extra couple of inches in your pants. It works, I swear! Yes, Sean, devour that meat and make Anny proud of your newly-stretched four-inch millipede!

Anyway, back to the winery… go ahead and read about it on their website. The question is… wtf is this wine doing in Esquin ($27) and Costco ($20) right now??? This is a 10 year-old wine from a warm vintage. If a winery hasn’t sold out of their 2003 wines by now, then something’s wrong… right? Unconventional wisdom, though, won out and I got a bottle of this. Remember, curiosity killed the cat. In this case, all I got was a mouthful of…

Food pairing was (1) to expose any off-flavors, try cheap Chinese take-out with red wine… nothing I twerked to; and (2) good ol’ dark chocolate-covered raisins to determine its strength.

Tasted at 56-64 degrees on the IR temp gun. Nose: vanillin tannins, oak, blackberry. Color: brick magenta. Mouthfeel: soft, medium-bodied. Tail trail: 7 seconds. Flavors: drying vanilla tannins, dark chocolate, and tangy orange leather. After 10 years, there should be “secondary flavors” in bloom… um, nope, not here.

Alcohol: 13.7%. “Aged in small French and American oak barrels for 30 months.” What percentages? New/neutral? Taransaud? Saury? Sylvain? Jack Daniels? 82% cabernet sauvignon, 12% cabernet franc, 6% merlot. Website grade: D+. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 1/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 87. Value: $9. Paid: $20. Music pairing: “Chocolate” by The 1975. Hey, at least you got a sweet music pairing… no need to send the crybaby shitmail like Dave did. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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