Apparently, the local foodies have picked up where the wine bloggers have left off…
A man streamed into a Green Lake pizzeria and threatened employees if his friend didn’t get his free pizza. When an employee went to check on the freebie recipient, he got a payment of a knife in the back before his assailant fled. So… this is what Walla Walla wineries have to deal with when that wine extortionist, Paul Gwine, walks into their winery and demands free bottles of their “best wines.” A little southwest in the hipster heights of Ballard, a man flew into a rage after finding out he had to pay 25 cents for a THIRD packet of ranch dressing at the local Jerk In The Box. A 68 year-old fossil offered to pay to quit the commotion, but got a faceful of hand and was pushed to the ground by the perp as he fled in a manly purple bicycle. This reminds me of the time Paul walked into my tasting room and wanted to leave with three of my best, single vineyard reserve bottles but I told him he had to pay for that 3rd bottle. Instead, he dropped ragged, stained pants and flashed his skidmarked baggy undies at the wedding party I was entertaining before walking off and slamming his banjo into my framed Whine Spectator award. Into the heart of downtown where a Chipotle employee wished a departing customer a fond farewell only to get a surprise requite of a glass bottle of hot sauce thwacked off his face. This reminds me of all the loopy wine bloggers who have passed through the doors of the tasting room, coming off as some sort of fast-talking wine expert, soaking me up with all sorts of sappy flattery, only to end with a punchline of “I really like your lineup of wines. Think you can give me a case of your wines for a fabulous review on my blog?” That’s when I flash the lame dud my Glock and kick the freeloading bastard out with a simple warning that he will be arrested for violating RCW 9A.56.050.
Speaking of dick eaters, it’s been awhile since we last heard from our usual band of wine blogging fools. Something about their unemployable benefits expiring. Anywho, we culled the social media sites to find out what they have been up to and now, we offer to you, the summer collection of their most idiotic tweets and FB statuses, status sez, whatever…:
Sean: Just got back from Boston. You know what’s awkward about family reunions? Seeing all your exs… lmao.
Paul: What are you, dating cousins or something?
Sean: What if the person who will cure cancer in the future is swimming in my testicles at this moment? Whoa…
Jameson: And to think, you’re just gonna masturbate him down the drain… lmao…
Shona: Fictional creatures– Santa, Easter Bunny, a man who will sleep with me…
Margot: My only interests are drinking free wine and judging people.
Cheryl: I did it! I jogged about a mile and a half, nonstop. I pushed myself and seceded.
Rod: From the Union?
Cheryl: what union?
Wineman: Breaking news– Sean just announced he is bisexual.
Josh: Ugh. That reminds me of the time my deodorant ran out mid-application and the store didn’t have the same scent. I had one armpit that smelled like Sport and one that smelled like Rainfall. I was… bi-scentual.
Anny: Honey, are you ready for sexytime?
Sean: Forget sex… just scratch my back under my bra straps.
Sean: unusual scrotum smell
Sean: oh wait, this isn’t google.
Sean: How do you delete this?
Eugene: haha, ur funny…
Paul: Glad to know…
Babs: Do you think humans will ever walk on the sun?
Sean: Well, if they do, it would have to be at night.
Jen: Pro tip: Quickest way to make money at photography is to sell your camera. You’re welcome.
Caylee: My boyfriend won’t have sex with me anymore so I masturbated with a cucumber and served it in his salad for dinner.
Sean: Part of the reason I’m dating my girlfriend is because I actually like how big her butt looks in those jeans.
Clive: Sodomy is an abominable sin.
Sean: But it feels so good!
Sean: Here’s my poem for our anniversary– “Roses are red, lemons are sour, open your legs, and give me an hour.”
Anny: Wtf??? Are you trying to be romantic again?
Sean: ok ok. How’s this? “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m using my hand, but thinking of you.”
Anny: I’m outta here…
Sean: No, wait! My last effort… “Roses are red, violets are blue, poems are hard, so is my penis.”
Anny: Stop drinking Walla Walla wine, you dumbass!
Sean: Why is life so complicated?
Paul: What’s so complicated? You have no wife. No kids. No mortgage. No car loan. Not even a real job. All you do is sip free wine and write bullshit for some obscure wine-themed magazine. You’re a LOSER. Deal with it.
Sean: Guys, imma lay it out on the line here… I’m an ass, and because of this most people don’t like me. I’m not what a lot of men should be and I never claim to be anything less. I do have a small penis and am a bitch to those who do not kowtow to me. I’m not good at telling the truth and everything I say is punctuated with a ‘Hooray!’ or ‘Pretty!’ or ‘Agreed!’ And, yeah I probably should work on making sure that it sounds like I’m honest but I really don’t know how to. I’m sorry if I’ve ever said anything that comes off as a recommendation on a wine (unless you have just as low a self-esteem problem like I do, in that case I hope you wasted your money on a shitty wine) as it was not my intention.
Antoine: I stopped reading after “I’m an ass”
Efeste continues in good hands with Peter Devison, formerly of the Precept conglomerate, after the departure of Brennan Leighton to the Charles Smith camp in 2012. This riesling is among the first to be fully vinted by Mr. Devison for Efeste and the results prove the Evergreen lineage continues to be one of Woodinville’s best rieslings.
If you tour Woodinville enough, you will come to the belief that riesling in this wine district displays the strongest rieslings in all of Washington. And, rightfully so with the Evil Empire anchored at NE 145th, making over a million cases of all types of riesling. So, on your next foray into Woodinville, don’t skip the riesling pour at your friendly industrial tasting room, especially with the splendid 2012s now on tap, or you will miss a taste of the old days.
Wild pairing with fresh pig ear salad and soy-marinated pork belly burger. Worked well with some new sensations not previously experienced.
Tasted at 53-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. A visually pleasing light yellow gold with aromas of honeysuckle, peach, and lime. Taste it and feel the gentle acids scrubbing the palate then leaving a polish of peach, kiwi, and Granny Smith apple of excellent duration.
Alcohol: 12.8%. Evergreen Vineyard. Columbia Valley AVA. “Harvested late-October (23rd). Whole-cluster pressed and cold settled for 48 hrs. Racked off solids and fermented with R-HST and VIN13 yeast strains. Fermentation duration of 4 weeks, controlled between 55 and 57 degrees F. Lightly fined and cold stabilized on ferment lees. Top filtered off lees and bottled in late January, 2013.” pH 3.05. TA 0.89%. RS 1.05% (guessed 0.5-1%). Power: 2/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 90. Music pairing: “Love Me Right” by Swag Geeks. Value: $20. Paid $20. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.