Reporting to you from the KFC in Woodinville is the latest roundtable discussion with today’s surviving wine bloggers. First topic is the grinding issue of Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch and his reluctance to engage with us media types. Some background, while Mr. Lynch may be a beast on the field carrying an oval-stuffed leather bag toward an awkwardly bent pair of upright posts, the man tends to duck and swerve reporter’s questions only to fulfill a mandatory time commitment as ordered by his employers. Shona… what do you think about his predicament? Shona: “Well, I can certainly understand his hesitance in meeting with you media peeps because I do the same thang when drunk tourists ask me for my phone number at my tasting room. I then go into ‘Yeast Mode” and send them a waft of my underpants and they immediately sober up and run screaming to the parking lot.” Next up, Portland police reported that a man accused of shooting his neighbor in the leg accidentally shot himself in his nutsack. The man’s wound was found to be consistent with someone who had a handgun in his pants, according to the po-po report. Hey Sean, what’s your take on that? Sean: “I don’t get why he got arrested. I always stick my hands deep down in my pants when I see a cute guy and my two-inch ‘gun’ always prematurely goes off.” Huh??? Yo dude, is your syphilis in check? Sean: “Oh stahhhp it!” A former Kennewick high school football kicker admitted he is bisexual. Scott: “This is news? So a local wants to be a wine blogger. I’m not turning in my Taylor Made irons for this. But, if he wants to share a glass of Hamilton Cellars at the 19th hole, I’ll bite his head off.” Okay Scott, just make sure your vaccination records are up-to-date. Up in Everett, a 13 year-old neglected boy was sentenced to four years in juvie after robbing a bikini barista of her tip money. Personally, I would have at least asked her for a free show before running off with the cash, but hey Babs, what’s your take on that? Babs Winegal: “The poor mom. I feel for her. It’s always the guy’s fault. Whatever you give a woman, she will make better. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. Except, Sean’s teeny peenie. No woman can normify that. But, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.” Wait… what? How is this a response to the news? Babs Winegal: “Duzzn’t you wish your girlfriend were grammatically correct like me?” *facepalm*
If you haven’t figured it out by now, wine bloggers are the dumbest morons walking backward on Earth. They think they are God’s answer to creating demand for wine. These balding, fat fucks think they know more about wine than the average tankard but the following TRUE statements reveal their idiocy. Let’s take a look:
Here’s Ben “NectarSuckingFreeAgent” Slimons (formerly of Alexa Nichole) at a blind tasting boasting how much he knows California wines: “Number 3 is GARDEN state, overly sweet and a little underwhelming.” And, for an encore that denuded his gay tendencies, “Number 6 is a secret family recipe, Schweddy Balls. I can’t wait to get my mouth around those Schweddy Balls!”
Then, there’s Sean… when asked about viewing a free wine event following a Chippendale’s show at an air-conditioned casino: “My hands feel cold just thinking about it!” Wait, there’s more. “I am voting NO on Initiative 1183 (and you should too).” We all know that Initiative 1183 passed in Washington with a 59% “for” vote. Still waiting to see all those nano-wineries go out of business…
Also from Sean, he retweeted some former football player’s statement regarding a coach, then direct messaged with “He was really was one of the great all time hiking coaches!” of which he got this reply, “Shut the fuck up, you underemployed, asexual wine hyping buttfuck.”
For a brief time, loudmouth Ryan Penniless stuck his oversized nose into the business and when he saw Sean at his doorstep, he tweeted this: “Welcome home! All right. Five minute drill.” Dude, if you get excited by a five minute “drill,” it’s no wonder Amy wants to leave you. But wait, there’s more… after using boxed wine for Sean’s enema, he declared “Oooo I’m starting to pick up the syrah a bit more now.” What a sick fuck. No wonder he ran from the commission to a safe haven at the Chateau.
Did you see that Gallo has reinvented Columbia Winery? Someone said that during construction, there was a sign from the former owners that read, “CLOSED! You sorry-assed, redneck sacks of goat sperm had no idea what you had here! Good luck with your bulk-fermented, crap-ass overwatered vineyards’ overdyed pissjuice in this town. Maybe you’ll remember us when you’re boning your sister and think she smells like Lapis. We are off to make money in a town whose average IQ is above room temperature.”
Yes, it’s getting a little restless here in Woodinville. This is why January is the longest month on the wine calendar. The yeasts are doing their thang… pissing alcohol and farting CO2. Not even the usual food trucks and chili contests can break the monotony in the making of wine, especially after a stellar growing year, but FINALLY the first 2012 reds are breaking through!
You’ve been reading here for a long time… skip the 2010s and 2011s. Other blogs will spin it to hype those desperate wineries that need to push away their green cabernets. Not here. If you bought in to the rhetoric, I feel sorry for you, pops. I got 99 wines cellaring but a shitty 2010 or 2011 ain’t one of them. And, it’s further justification that the blogs are now coming clean and admitting everything proclaimed here was right, in hyping the early 2012s. First off, it’s the blends that are getting the first release and this has always been a clear harbinger of a vintage. The first 2010s and 2011s tasted like a vegetable box. DISS. GUSTING. Sure, the better wineries held their own, BUT not anywhere near the strength of their respective lineages. The 2012 vintage has broken through!
Did you buy into the claims that the 2010s and 2011s are “coy” and “wallflowers” that will eventually shed its shyness and reward the drinker? Bullshit. It is a consensus that great wines begin in the vineyard, so if the source is
bad sub-optimal, then the wines will never recover. Wine drinkers, use common sense!
While along that path, when you see a wine you think is “good,” then do some homework and research what you will be paying. This wine is on sale at Pete’s for $18.69. MadWine has it at a penny under $20, as does some OR Wine Merchants site. You fools! If you buy this wine from those retailers, then you no longer have the excuse that you know where to find good deals. This wine is $14.99 at your neighborhood warehouse retailer. You are a clear and present asswipe if you don’t buy it from this business. This is January’s deal. Get it.
Tasted at 55-65 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: magenta. Nose: plum, black currant, red currant, slightly reductive odors. Mouthfeel: full-bodied. Tail trail: 10 seconds. Additional flavors: sour cherry, tangy oak, nettle. Paired with casserole. Smooth.
Alcohol: 14.8%. This is not a “Fidelitas” labeled wine. Columbia Valley AVA. Thousands of cases. Probably cabernet sauvignon, syrah, merlot, cab franc, and petit verdot. Stelvin cap. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 89. Value: $20. Paid: $14.99. Music pairing: “The Big Breakthrough” by Jim Button. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.