Forget Independence Day.
This is Super Bowl Sunday so it begs to ask… What does it mean to be ‘American’?
We all talk about how proud we are to be Americans, that we stand for freedom and peace, that we are the greatest country in the world (whatever that is…there are a billyun answers to that), etc. blah, blah, blah.
We’re the best at everything that matters, or so we claim, yet (1) we had a Civil War where Americans killed each other in a wartime setting; (2) we have a current Congress that makes decisions like they mastered Paul Guttless’s little-known book of “I’m Not Egyptian But I Am In Denial”; (3) our smartest, brightest citizens work in basement labs on government endowments, write an advice column in Parade, or take a chance on ‘Jeopardy’ while we make multi-multi-millionaires out of complete fools who twerk (Miley Cyrus) or illegally drag race their Lamborghini on a city street (the Beebs); and let’s just come clean here… (4) we have an obesity epidemic yet we are in the throes of a skinny jean fad; and (5) we call ourselves “Americans” yet if we took the citizenship test today, less than half of us would pass it.
Depressing, isn’t it?
So, maybe it is time to re-define what it is to be “American.”
First off, let’s change that spelling. After all, America has, for decades, lagged far behind in educating its children on the critical international metrics of science, technology, engineering, and math, and let’s add to that after sorting through all the Facebook news feeds.
This is what it means to be ‘Murican!
-My citizenship question to you would be: “Can you fart so hard, your balls explode?”
-My definition of “foodie” is going to the county fair and piggin’ out on a deep-fried butter stick and finishing with deep-fried sugar cubes.
-My number 1 pickup line: “On a scale of 1 to ‘Murica, how free are you tonight?”
-When at McDonald’s, you get the Big Mac extra value meal BUT I get the 40-piece McNuggets with a gallon of tea.
-I love animals! They are delicious.
-Real news: Friday night, Seattle Police received a report of suspicious behavior at the corner of 40th and Wallingford Ave. Turned out to be four wine bloggers (three men and one asexual) with flashlights on comparing belly button lint.
-When Baylor University competes with Texas Tech, it looks like BU-TT.
-USA! U! S! A! Back-to-back World War Champs!
-What I heard from my gf– EXERCISE! How I processed: ex-er-cise… ex-ar-size… eggs are sides… for bacon… BACON! I luvv her!
-Education? Fuhhhh-k, there are only TWO answers to everything. If it moves when it ain’t s’pposed tuh, use duct tape. If it don’t move when it should, use WD-40.
-There’s a sign in the tasting room that reads: “There are only three reasons to unholster your loaded firearm. (1) You are robbing us. (2) You are shooting the person robbing us. (3) You are a complete, incompetent idiot. If you do, then the following will apply to each of the above, respectively: (1) You will be shot; (2) You will be thanked; (3) You will be treated like a wine blogger and be asked to leave.
-There are two types of countries: (1) those who use the metric system, and (2) those who have been to the moon.
-A German guy asked how many World Cups we won. I responded with “How many World Wars have you won?”
Tasted at 56-64 degrees on the IR gun. Color: dark magenta. Nose: dark cherry, blackberry. Mouthfeel: medium-bodied. Tail trail: 9 seconds. Flavors: cherry, cranberry, red licorice, cola, blackberry, red plum.
Alcohol: 14.6%. Columbia Valley AVA. Hundreds of cases. Leftovers from other Long Shadows projects. Probably 75-80% sangiovese, with the rest being cabernet sauvignon and maybe syrah. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Value: $20 (as a red wine). Paid: $15. Music pairing: “There’s No Country Here” by Melody Williamson. This is WAwineman… #GOHAWKS! Prediction: Seahawks 39, Broncos 27.