Badger Mountain 2012 NSA Organic cabernet sauvignon

A former wine blogger obviously is behind this latest wtf-moment in Spokant. In response to the wildly popular bikini baristas up in Everett, locals in Spokane will be the new home to beefcake baristas– a coffee shop staffed by topless men and called something like Hot Cup Of Josh. The Pacific Northwest Ballet will finally end its current ‘Nutcracker’ by Maurice Sendak after the 2014 season and replacing it with a version from another author, George Balanchine. Of course, you can still see Sean “The Nutless Hacker” making periodic appearances as a SLUT (So. Lk. Union techie) while trying to pay off his debts after his last prolonged bout of unemployment. One can tell where stupidity roams and where there are lots of new, middle-class families just by watching the voting of bond measures to fund a school district’s operations. Take the prestigious Lake Washington school district. Twenty years ago, this was the place to be as many new luxury homes were built and some of the best teachers flocked to the newly built schools therein. Look at today– this is one of the few districts where its bond measure is failing badly. Perhaps, the district’s uppers just didn’t do a good job educating their constituents on where the $755 million would go. Perhaps, it was just asking for too much money at once. Or, perhaps, the aging population no longer justifies paying more in real estate taxes to fund something that will not directly benefit them. After all, many in these affluent neighborhoods send/sent their kids to private school so what’s the point? Anyway, when the measure officially fails, the school district will likely find other methods to get their money, usually via increased line-item or a-la-carte fees. Another sign of… just because you have money doesn’t mean you’re smart. Wait… why are we back in the Spokane Valley? The latest M.A.D.D. posterboy is a 30 year-old nectar sucking vomit stain from the Spokane Valley after he rear-ended a PARKED cop car. And, in typical Spokant intelligence, the lubed grunt admitted to the officer, “I am drunk.” Finally, Tacoma reports in with a two-fer-Thursday as a second teacher has been arrested for sexual relations with a minor. The first teacher, a 24 year-old decent looking female, allegedly got it on with her student during an assembly. The second teacher is a 33 year-old male who is accused of numerous sexcapades with one of his students. In a few months, you should be able to view remakes of these trysts (and many others featuring Northwest natives) on Pornhub, if not spinning some tunes down in a sketchy Pioneer Square nightclub…

Got together with wine bloggers and some industry peeps the other night at Triplehorn and one of the topics discussed was the recent, soon-to-be-official signing by the Mariners of a pitcher named Rodney. As if the M’s already don’t get no respect (hint: look at their won-loss ledger over the last ten seasons), they go out and sign a dude who commands that just by his name. Well, as you can imagine, there were some impassioned opinions on this topic.

On birth and growing up:
Sean: “When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face then turned me over and said, ‘Look, twins!'”
Jameson: “When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Josh: “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Gwine: “When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could… but he pulled through.'”
Bean: “My mother never breastfed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.”
Babs: “What a childhood I had, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me.”
Shona drops by, late as usual, and began sipping everyone’s beers…
Wineman: “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
Margot: “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Sean: “Growing up in Boston was tough. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Andy: “My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.”
Madeline: “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
Sean: “Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.'”
Shona: “I tell ya, when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo… it never came back.”
Sean: “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me to wait until it got warmer.”

On relations:
Wineman: “I saved a woman from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
Scott: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then, we met.”
Paul: “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day, she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go out there and keep an eye on it.”
Ross: “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day, she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
David: “My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies fix our screens.”
Sean: “I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a peeping Tom booing me.”
Ben: “I am not a sexy guy. Back in Texas, I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”
Steve: “A hooker once told me she had a headache.”
Gwine: “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night, she used me to time an egg.”
David: “One time, I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
Scott: “I tell ya, my wife and I don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless. I donate money to the topless!”
Sean: “On my first date with Jameson, he was never nice. I asked him if I could give him a goodnight kiss on the cheek. He bent over!”
Chris: “What a doctor I got. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
Timomatic: “My wife’s a doctor. I still get no respect. I told her I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. She told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

On pets:
Mark: “What a dog I got. His favorite bone is my arm.”
Bob: “Some dog I got, too. We call him ‘Egypt’ because he leaves a pyramid in every room.”
Kevin: “With my dog, I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”
Paul: “I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”

On wisdom and drinking:
Gwine: “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my cousin and I fought for the west.”
Sean: “When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
Wineman: “I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.”
Scott: “I drink too much. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now, I drink in front of a mirror.”
Shona: “I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah, I told him once, ‘Doctor, when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.'”
Rand: “I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown bowtie.”
David: “Once, somebody stole our car. I asked Margo if she saw who it was. She said, “No. But I did get the license number.”
Margot: “My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I told him, ‘I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, ‘Alright. You’re ugly, too!'”

You know it’s gonna be a great vintage year when even the “organic” wines are actually decent. Hey, we’re all for pesticide-free, salmon-safe, and even dolphin-safe, sustainable winemaking. No added chemicals like sulfites sounds wonderful. If that’s how you buy wines, then I applaud you. However, at the end of the day, I don’t care what a winemaker did with his/her wines, as long as it is varietally correct and complex with nothing off-putting and I don’t go blind the next day, we’re all good then. At minimum, be okay. That’s not the only uphill battle these “crunchy” guardians of the earth have to climb. Supermarkets tend to segregate such wines from the regular shelves, preferring to stock them in the low-traffic section along with other overpriced, organic foods. Looking for these wines takes a conscious effort and maybe that’s why there’s not a lot of “me-too” wineries touting their “organic” wines. The prices are attractive, but the key to remember is that they have to be consumed immediately. See that 2009 “organic” riesling? Toast.

Tasted at 59-68 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: dark garnet-deep ruby. Nose: fruit box, plum, cranberry. Mouthfeel: full bodied. Tail trail: 7 seconds. Flavors: tart cherry, cranberry, firm plum, blueberry, wood. Paired with hot dogs. Okay.

Alcohol:13.5%. Dry. NSA certified organic. USDA Organic. WSDA Organic. Probably Washington’s oldest “organically practiced” vineyard. Columbia Valley AVA. Estate vineyard. Over 1000 cases. Stelvin cap. Blue bottle. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 87. Value: $8. Paid: $10. Retail: $16. Music pairing: “Be Okay” by Oh Honey. This is WAwineman…uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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