This is why all teenagers should be jailed when they enter high school… so they learn the payment when they do commit a retarded deed in society. A 17 year-old from (where else?) Skyway was arrested from mall camera evidence after swiping a tablet from a woman in a wheelchair at Northgate Mall. Dood, you’re in a mall. Security can pinpoint how often you’re scoping out the cleavage of passing women with their ubiquitous cameras. And, the fact you’re a resident of Skyway automatically makes ya a suspect in crimes against the community. Adding to this disgrace, a 16 year-old from neighboring Renton decided to turn his ‘boss’ on and disregarded a warning to slow down from a skateboarder in front of his vehicle and chose to clip the poor bastard then denied fault to the victim’s posse before driving off. Too bad because all teenagers know their peers and he was later busted at his home. The victim later died at Harborview, which further reinstates this simple lesson: regardless of the reason you are in the street in the Seattle area and whether or not you have the right of way, time and again will tell you this, you risk your own life being in the path of a vehicle. If you are crossing in a crosswalk, be swift and know the cars that want to cross your path. Too often I see numbnuts looking down as they slowly stroll into waiting traffic while busily gettin’ their jams on their iTunes. And, there are others who take their leisurely time crossing like they own the fuckin’ road. Be considerate of others and move yo’ ass on down! No sense being right when you’re disabled or dead. But, I digress. Thankfully, there’s Florida… neighbors in Ormond Beach called police after noticing a 45 year-old woman on a motorcycle “half-naked from the waist down and was masturbating.” Ya know, there’s a couple motorcycle parking spots across my micro-apartment window… Just sayin’
Ahh, September. The new school year means a fresh start to get it going again after a furious summer that left me on the threshold. Time to get back to the fundamentals, so this is a primer on wine blogging and how to do it right versus doing what your peer-pressure “buddies” expect.
First off– if you’re gunna blog about wine, make sure you know the basics of English composition. Examples: forming competent sentences, proper syntax, and spelling. For God’s sake, every blog program these days has spell-check. Use it.
Next, and this is important if you want to be credible and truly non-partisan, BUY the wines you review. Nowhere else is such underhanded graft and freebies considered to be “status quo.” Just because it’s wine does not mean authors and readers lower the standard of judgement of the product in review. This is not acceptable in any other regulated industry and the wine blogging industry feigns interest in becoming “regulated” through paper-stamped certification from wanna-be standardized entities. It’s pretty simple: a wine owner gives you a wine for free, after you greedily blackmail the poor dude, to “review” so, like, what the hell you gonna do? You gonna give your real thoughts if the wine sucks? Of course not. You’d then be blacklisted from the winery and her/his friends forever. Stupid move. Of course, you’d join the rank-and-file on an average wine and basically “polish a turd” by hyping it up. Really good wines of a stud lineage already have the word out, so really, there’s no news there. This is where the good bloggers separate themselves from the pack… go find that hidden gem that no one has covered. Go to the store. Go to that obscure new winery tasting room. Pay the price and take a chance. Every now and then, a gem appears. This is what I call the “discovery phase” and this is what makes wine blogging a joy here. In a different light, mix it up and go buy the mass-produced, what-everyone’s-buying wine and try to understand why it is so. This is how to connect with your readers and fellow bloggers. Stay on top of trends as well as blend in new discoveries. And do it independently of what your peers are doing. Create some personality because that’s what people are attracted to. Your own stamp of quality.
From there, go out and find your specialty. For here, it’s Washington wines. We have been supporting the local industry like no other wine blogger since 2008. Thousands of dollars. Many wine clubs. We know all the players in the local area. We know the tasting room managers, the winemakers, the wine rats, the limo drivers, the restaurants, etc. We support them all. They are not here for your self-listed “A-List” penis. Money talks. Being courteous is the supplemental currency. It opens doors. Money is the preferred transaction, but if you want to be Sean, then go suck enough sommelier dick and you might still make it, albeit you’ll be gettin’ penicillin shots up the ass periodically.
Once the wine is procured, be consistent in its treatment. Develop a habit… your drinking environment should be void of distractions. Focus on the wine, not the slags in revealing dresses growing your third leg. Monitor the temperature at tasting. Yes, it is that important. Drinking a red at 55 degrees is vastly different than at 62 degrees. Same with whites. Know the perimeter of food pairings that complement the experience. Take detailed notes. If you don’t know your descriptors then stop what you’re doing and make your next destination the farmer’s market. If you’re into white wines, go buy some fresh (not canned) peaches, limes, lemons, pears, apples, nectarines, bread rolls, and mixed nuts. For the red wines, go with blackberries, black currants, plums, blueberries, and cherries. Then, find a barista that serves burnt espresso. Go smoke a cigar from no less than the DR. Go burn some toast and take a bite. Understanding the language of wine means sampling what’s at the market. Eventually, while you may be thinking you are educating the supposed masses on wine, the wine itself will be educating you on the senses in your life’s experiences. Smelling a Belgian girl’s hair when you were in elementary school. Walking by a bakery shop or coffee stand. Running through a row of strawberries at your uncle’s farm. Smoking a #6 Cohiba with a single-malt Scotch in the aft of your buddie’s yacht. Smelling the funk wafting between your legs after dropping a sphincter-splitting a.m. deuce. The sense of smell triggers memories quicker than no other stimulus, yet enjoying wine is about engaging all the senses so be aware.
Sight– look at the wine in the glass. What is the color consistent with, in terms of age and varietal? Look at the bottle. Ask yourself, “What is the label attracting?” Listen– pop the cork! Unscrew the Stelvin and imitate that popping sound. Listen to the sound of the wine pouring into the glass. That’s the sound of anticipation. Smell– what is the first impression? Touch– feel the wine bottle label. Why is it bumpy? Feel the glass. Is it the right temperature? Touch the wine. Just because you can. Taste– what are you imagining? Does it take you somewhere wonderful or woeful? Many wines take people back to the place they first had it… in some distant locale where they were carefree. These are the senses that make the experience of wine tasting so dreamy.
After that, you are on your own. And, if you’ve been doing it for awhile, it’s okay to repeat the basic information like the area the grapes came from, the winemaker, the history of the winery, any significant time period involving the wine or winery, or any one- or two-degrees of separation between the wine and some personal connection you may have to it. Regurgitating information from the winery website is strongly discouraged, except for bits and pieces that enhance the overall content.
Post consistently if you’re starting out. You have no real fans so be predictable at first. Speed the process up and blog often if you’re a newbie. Don’t be a one-hit wonder.
Don’t get too fancy with your snootiness in rating a wine. Stick to the standard 100-point scale. If you don’t know what that is, then go buy a wine mag like Wine Spectator (this is the ONLY time I recommend paying good money on a waste of a rag) and buy a few wines with the number-rating and see why it was rated at that number.
And, get this… if you want to develop your own voice, avoid at all costs grouping with other wine bloggers. They don’t know any more than you. Following these losers in life will only trap you into blogging about the same wines or topics. Boring.
Wine bloggers pay hundreds of dollars for these secrets, wasting precious time in the tasting room and flying to places that think they make great wine. Skip that shit. Be passionate and invest your own time in researching the facts. Don’t waste it on sucking up to Dickless Wine Report or his hoochy bisexual gf that once ran a mini-mall faux-Chinese joint that served food that tasted like ass.
Chardonnay has become the litmus test here for true enthusiasts of wine. The Anything-But-Chardonnay haters have run their weakass course and are now seen as dysfunctional creeps that secretly couldn’t tell the difference between a Franzia and M. Etain. Sure, Washington has weak chardonnays. Look at the many small-time wineries that use it as a cashflow item. Even Chateau Ste. Michelle has its share of pencil-necked chards, but you knew that.
Chardonnay is another malleable white wine. Many styles involve its winemaking; from traditional 300% new French oak to stainless steel or the hipster concrete egg, and all combinations in between. It’s a great wine with any course when paired correctly. While not quite the wild-card status that Washington riesling is, chardonnay is making a comeback here and in the near future, there will be a $100 Washington chardonnay available. Why? Because we can. That’s why.
It’s a white wine so think about it… it’s best paired with cheeses and white meats that may include your girlfriend’s crotch. Had this with my bud’s fried chicken, experimental fried gizzards, and 505 Green Chile sauce. Holy blow hole!
Tasted at 50-59 degrees on the IR temp gun. Buttery gold in the Riedel with blooms of white peach, nectarine, graham crackers, 3am-baked bread, and wildflower honey. Full and dense on the palate with a long, even residence of warm summer peach, orange oil, lemon mash, and gravelly minerals.
Alcohol: 13.41%. Evergreen Vineyard. Ancient Lakes AVA. Native fermentation. Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 90. Value: $25. Paid: $30. Music pairing: “Secrets” by Mary Lambert. This is WAwineman, back for you bitches.