Seattle’s had a summer for the ages, easily the warmest summer since I lost my virginity. And with the baking temperatures cometh the wild, the wacky news that no one wants to claim. Last Saturday in the heat, a Krappy Fried Chicken outlet in north Seattle was the scene of a wacked out customer flinging a $5.19 lemon cake at employees for no reason other than, I would assume, the crappy fried kitten they serve up there. When the po-po arrived, the victims couldn’t give a clear description of the assailant but they were able to describe the object of projectile, “yellow in color, circular, and costs exactly $5.19.” *facepalm* Police searched the area but were distracted by the “Hot Now” lighted neon lamp nearby. How’s this for a knucklehead– the po-po were checking on a home in the Mt. Baker neighborhood when they discovered stolen property inside. On cue, a male drove up to the home in a stolen Infiniti and was immediately ‘cuffed. Among the stolen property was Sean’s drawer of panties and pasties, so you spies can tell Sean his gear has been recovered. And speaking of Sean, customers at the tasting room of Airplane Landing Estates recently complained to employees that some “obese, scruffy white dude in a cheap suit” was trying to sell the remaining cases of donated wine from his recent “My Top 100 Wines That Were Donated by Suckers in 2014.” Employees of Airplane Landing Estates confronted the bum who lies about wine on some tertiary wine rag but he scrambled back into his 1991 Yugo after threatening to “stomp out” the employees with his size 4 Chuck Taylors. As he drove away, the employees yelled a question as to why he claims to judge wines impartially despite a photo showing him looking puzzled as he snorted a white wine while looking at a Lauren Ashton bottle.
We recently did a survey of the local landscape and uncovered what a fraud the Washington Wine Liar’s Report is. First off, there was nary a wine smellier’s celebration anywhere after the asexual dipsquat from (somewhere near) Boston declared he would be drinking all the free wine from this region. Did anyone outside the wine community care about the news? I posed this question to the first fifty customers who crossed the red line of my tasting room and not even one wine simp could identify the buzzard. Secondly, what kind of asshole would dare shuffle through a diminishing annual supply of free wine in order to meet a summer deadline (before a large fraction of red wines get released) for some second-rate local compost-immediately rag? Why, when it comes to free wine, only the quickest of queers like Sean would run to be first in line just so he could overhype the fecal wines from his buddies in the Walla Walla section. Who reads that shit? Dentists and their hostages. That’s who. As for the rest of us, we just swing on by the local ubermarket and grab the label that looks coolest in the cold case section.
Anywho, that’s what this wine slugger did. Rather than pay for the obscene ticket prices to watch a past-peak Lyle Hateit and his Viagra-Enlarged Band or the Maurice White-less Dirt, Fart and Ember band, we just bought the wine for this year’s summer concert set and watched concert videos on You Tube. Actually, it was hella more fun than scraping for parking at a nearby industrial park, like in past years. Saved enough money to buy a case of this wine but, after tasting this, we decided to bank the savings toward a couple lapdances at Deja Vu instead.
To neophytes, this wine will appear fine. A nice right hook to the mandible of peach and hot summer apple with enamel-dissolving acid. This proves the hypothesis that hipster wine drinkers are idiots. Where else would a human voluntarily choose to flaunt his idiocy by mouthwashing a pH 3.10 solution? My dental hygienist pulled out my nose hair when I asked her consent in doing such a foolish maneuver.
Such is the folly of wine wannabes who follow false idols. Wine is such a total complete subjective evaluation that no one is truly correct in evaluating a wine’s profile. The public thinks wine experts who write for the rags have some college degree in wine studies when the reality is they got their position by default. Basically, most of them were drowning in obscurity in the arts section trying to hype up a “display of the clay arts” or taking subscription collections when they were asked, “What do you know about wine?” Most answered, “Well, a white wine like cabernet tastes great with seared crab.” Um, yeah…
Here are the basics for wine newbies who are looking for an appropriate wine to impress people they don’t like (the definition of “status”). For the dudes trying to impress the second date, just go to the cold section and find the most recent vintage date– currently year 2013 — and pull that white wine, like this one. Don’t get a red. Women who love red wines are too old for you and will dump your ass once they view your scant bank account. Just ask Sean why he’s still single and almost 50. Don’t worry about single varietals or vineyards. They don’t know the difference either so save some money and focus on tagging her ass later in the evening after smothering her with lies of how good she looks.
Some tips for the “I think I know my wine even though I just started drinking the rotten grape.” You think you know reds but really, you don’t. You want to pull that eight year-old vintage languishing deep in the eye-level shelf and it’s “on sale” so you think you’re getting a deal. Here’s the scoop: there’s a reason why that wine is still there. It’s either: (a) cooked, meaning it was stored in a too-warm box on the dock all day in July; (b) from a producer who dumped it for a song; or (c) from the all-time worst vintage year for that area. So, don’t be stoopid and think you’re getting a deal. You ain’t. You probably did some research and know that a recent vintage like 2012 in Washington is a good one. Stick with it. Don’t be fooled by the 2011 or even the 2010 vintages. Only the top producers whose sticker price is normally above 40 bucks survived with their reputations intact.
Which brings us to the topic of “Why are the ratings so high on the 2011 and 2010 vintages?”
Simple. In a nutshell, the major wine rags (Wine Expectorator, Wine Antagonist, Free Food & Donated Wine) were clear conspirators in overrating the wines from this two-year aberration in Washington. They justified the higher ratings by stating how cooler vintages bring out varietal character (bullshit, unless you enjoy broccoli, mint, tomato leaf, and cabbage in your wines) or should be cellared longer when it has been nearly unanimous that these wines from year 2010 and 2011 are gross underperformers. Ladies and gents, these wines will not get better with time. They will not rise up to the 2009 or even the 2008 vintages and, for sure, place nowhere near the bonzo 2007-2006-2005 vintages. Is anyone still standing by their yippee words from the 2004 vintage? Of course not. Most of the wines are dead from that cold year. Just ask the peeps who recently popped a 2004 Mark Ryan wine… All these wine critics did was spread wide the unwiped lower cheeks of the Washington Wino Institute, slapped some gritty Carmex on their herpes-bumpy lips and got a deep tongue full of ass in return for future cases of 110-point wines from the all-time best 2014 vintage. If you can’t figure that shit out, then you’re a believer in Area 51. Break free from your misguided intuition.
We here at the blog admire Wendy Stuckey. We love that Aussie accent because it reminds us of the world’s best hoopster, Lauren Jackson. Because she reminds us of Muriel’s Wedding more than vegemite sandwiches. Because we hear Men At Work more than 1927 or Boom Crash Opera. Because McLaren Vale rocks over a McLaren MP4-12C. Well, maybe not that last one…
This is a wine for the fu-fu crowd that inhabits the ’80s roundup of past glory bands like the Go-Go’s, ZZ Top, Steve Winwood, etc. They’re done climbing the ladder and now just want to look good because they’re flush with cash and non-physical assets. They’ve married into wealth or settled down after a mid-life crisis. Their kids are in college or they just sold off a fixer-upper for a profit. They’re breaking free of the chains they put themselves in. But, just like the ’80s, this wine is full of flash but no substance. The wine is just complex enough to confuse the truly blind taster (black Riedel glass– everything else is faux blind tasting), yet lacking in depth and vision. Perfect for its intended audience.
Alcohol: 13.0%. Columbia Valley AVA, including Horse Heaven Vineyard planted in the 1970’s. 39% riesling for the acid, 30% semillon and 10% viognier for heft, 19% gewürztraminer for spice, and 2% chenin for the leftovers. TA 0.61. pH 3.10, RS 0.64%.
Tasted at 51-57 degrees. Color: light straw. Nose: peach, honeysuckle, yellow wildflowers. Mouthfeel: medium with acid bite. Tail trail: 6 seconds. Flavors: spiced apple pie, pear, dried peach. Power: 2/5. Balance: 1/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 87. Value: $8. Paid: $10. Music pairing: “Break Free” by Ariana Grande. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.