Gard Vintners 2013 Grand Klasse rose

Did you fall back one hour?

You know what chides my hide more than wine bloggers? Yeah, nothing. But, what comes a close second is anti-Americanism.

Yes, we got total monkeyasses shooting at law enforcement like Eric Frein as well as some local dingleberries like Jaylen Fryberg who, as a teenager, gunned down his own classmates and family. We have hit-and-runners mowing down innocent teenagers out celebrating Halloween. We have political parties that represent only themselves. We have churches that protect child molesters. We have convicted felons winning mayoral positions (Marion Barry). Our educational system is consistently ranked outside the world’s top-25. We believe that owning a firearm is a right, while most of the rest of the world blames that right as the crux of all our violent endings. And, we are the only country that stokes the “racism” card to this day.

So, along comes this recent blog post by some rancid, beedy-eyed 33 year-old Commie named Joe Pingpong or something distorting all kinds of statistics about ‘Merica (MY ‘Murica!) in some macabre attempt to kowtow to his Communist commanders so he can be assigned a posh 400 sq. ft. flat in Shanghai with a drove of hairy-armpit concubines at his beckoning.

Yes, I’m talking about asinine faux-facts presented to his one-party Communists that the USA is all about: (1) $3500 mandatory car insurance; (2) $30,000 for a low-end whip; and (3) that most Americans cannot graduate from high school because they’re idiots. This dingleberry distorts and imagines numbers almost like Sean does with Walla Walla wines.

What is truly disturbing is that his blasphemy against Americans is propped up and held as truths by the brutal and tyrannical singular party in his home country of China.

In a wineman exclusive, we discussed the finer points of his repulsive blogpost and agreed this was what he was really saying about his own frustrations of climbing the ladder within his own Chinkanese system of success. The following is his real message to the world.

“China is about as civilized a country as being an offspring of Joan Crawford. We profess unity but we have no choice. You see, we have only one political party as we simply cannot tolerate differences amongst our people. We would rather hasten their demise by firing squad than assume their innocence and spend copious amounts of blood money, earned off the low wages of our exploited workers from our vast rural areas, on lengthy trials in front of a judge we haven’t properly blackmailed.

And, to prove our control of our citizens, we limit their fornicating to one child per family. You want more? Mutherfocker, you better blatantly bribe your local government commander because we cannot pay that asswipe enough to support his own family and ten bitches on the side. And, if you get exposed, we will deny any approval of your misdeeds and then publicly shame you before confiscating your entire assets.

Speaking of kids and their toys, we have the reddest fire trucks and shiniest bumpers in the world! That’s what cadmium and chromium can do if you just relax your environmental standards. Same goes with our efficient factories. Smog problem? F*ck it. Consider it a fart that Mother Nature blows toward Japan. Those punkasses will forever pay for what they did in Nanjing.

We want the world to think we have the best educational system. We want ‘math whiz’ to be synonymous with us even though we send our best students to American colleges. You may think ‘Singapore Math’ is the shizznits but we let them slide until they diss us. Then, we will invade their chicken-rice economy and piss all over their inferior Muslim beliefs.

And, while on the subject of education– why bother teaching creativity and uniqueness when we can just steal ideas by illegally hacking into American company websites? It’s so much easier!

So what if you find dead baby girl bodies dumped in our rivers. We call it voluntary population control.

It’s true, we still bind all patriotic girls’ feet. Historically, it’s been to keep them from running away from their abusive, arranged-marriage husbands. Today, it’s all about minimizing their breakaway when they become disobedient from our police or sex-crazed party officials.

Yes, we still eat dogs. You call them pets. We call them ‘dinner.’ What a waste of protein.

We spit in the streets. Often. That’s why we don’t have droughts.

Speaking of streets, we love our newfound vehicle called the car. It gets us from A to Z, regardless of the divider stripes and traffic lights. You call it ‘DWA’ (Driving While Asian). We call it ‘F*ck you, get outta my way.’

We don’t believe in underwear for our children. It’s not our fault they can’t control their waste. Let them figure it out. I’m too busy saving money for an overpriced Bordeaux.

And since we don’t believe in underwear, why bother with fancy toilets? Just dig a hole in the ground then shit and piss in it. Simple. No need for fancy, imperialist three-layer thickness toilet paper infused with baby oil. Is your asshole that delicate? Condition that area by practicing anal like the Africans do. And, be thankful we’re not Indian where they shit in the streets in broad daylight.

Nobody owns a house in China. Even if they did, when we need their land to put up a shiny new building, we just take it. F*ck individual rights. It’s all about the Communist party.

There’s no dissension in China. We relocated them to our version of America… the Gobi Desert. Yeah, they protest whatever they want out there.

We love our neighbors! When we feel they have a valuable natural resource to exploit, we provide assistance by sending our security forces to defend against anyone we deem to be a threat, even if it’s that country’s own citizens.

You see, America, you think freedom is what makes you the greatest country in the world, but if you would just let one party control the nation, you will find greater progress and uniformity. Why, look at our comrades to our south… North Korea!”

Speaking of which, Vietnam in still under Communist control, but with slightly more tolerance. This is not to be mistaken with the foods of Vietnam that are now popular in our great region. Don’t be misguided… most of the local Vietnamese hate the situation back in the mother country, not too much unlike the Cuban and Nicaraguan immigrants. However, aside from politics, let’s talk about the foods that drive the community.

What brokeass student hasn’t queued up for the cheap Vietnamese sandwiches called banh-mi? These things used to cost a buck but are now worth a five-spot to acquire and yet, are still considered a deal. This is mostly a lunchtime luxury for the working-class but this somewhat knockoff-with-a-Frnech-twist of a sub-sandwich is the petrol that feeds the engines of the blue-collar workforce.

What the hell is a banh-mi, you say? First off, think of it as a crispy, freshly-made French baguette that is stuffed with fresh, pungent ingredients within its soft inner-linings. There’s julienned, pickled carrots and turnips nestled with cilantro and sometimes, cucumber. Add steamed pork, cured pork, and sliced chicken then slather a dollop of mystery pate and you have a poor man’s fulfilling masterpiece called lunch.

Think about the ingredients… nothing overly strong, other than the pate, which tastes something like Libby’s canned “potted meat.” Notice, when a manufacturer refuses to state on the label the provenance of the meat source, this can only be a good thing… for your taste buds if you’re a foodie. We all know what the prime cuts of the major meat groups taste like. However, it’s all about those lesser cuts that deservedly should end up in our pet’s food bowl that really turn on the palate. Overall, the taste combination is fairly thin in depth, albeit bountiful on the surface. And, this is where a wine should duplicate that profile. That wine is this one.

Look, whatever happened with the recent turnover of the infrastructure at Gard Vintners is done. I don’t care much for what happened because I liked the former setup but it’s all a memory now. They took a sledgehammer to the foundation then rebuilt it and this wine is one of the first jewels manufactured under the new order.

This rose wine can be touted as some Provence wannabe but the fact is, less than 1% of the locals have been there so they have no clue what the resemblance is so why bother hyping the wine as something mirroring a Provencal wine? Strange marketing….

For the Vietnamese readers, this is the wine that should be served with those staples of cheap Vietnamese faire like goi cuon (spring rolls), banh cuon (steamed rice rolls), banh xeo (Vietnamese crepes), and cha lua (pork rolls). It’s a rare, perfect match. There’s not a better wine to pair with these nibbles. You know I’m not the only one who knows this.

Tasted at 46-60 degrees on the IR temp gun. Best under 55 degrees. Color: white currant. Nose: strawberry potpourri, cherry powder, peach. Mouthfeel: cotton candy. Tail trail: 6 seconds. Flavors: strawberry-cherry mineral water. Bold, firm, ephemeral.

Alcohol: 13.1% Lawrence Vineyards. Columbia Valley AVA. Produced and bottled by Lawrence Cellars of Walla Walla. Winemaker: Aryn Morell. Varietal (clone): grenache (Tablas Creek), block 9. Aged in 100% stainless. Harvested October, 2013. Bottled on March 14, 2014. Released: April, 2014. RS 0.02%. TA 0.68. pH 3.53. 306 cases. Retail: $22. Paid: $16. Value: $16. Power: 2/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 1/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “I’m Not The Only One” by Sam Smith. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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