Dafuq is wrong wit’ the Seahawks??? Let’s spell it out… new cast, lack of depth, no Golden Tate, and most importantly, no offensive line. It doesn’t help that they’re playing quality teams every single week while their non-performing list resembles something more like the Yankees’ injured-reserve list. They probably won’t make the playoffs this year but if they can lay a Rock-sized whoopin’ on the 49ers on Thanksgiving Day, then we can call it a decent season. And, what up with Felix not winning the Cy Young Award this year? They guy only bettered a long-standing record of 7-innings of no more than two runs scored upon held for eternity by HOF Tom Seaver. So he coughed up a loogie in Toronto in mid-September? Sixteen super-quality starts didn’t mean much. Too bad Felix doesn’t pitch in New York or else, no question, he would have got it. It’s a sad fact of life he pitches for the T-ball hitting Mariners. And, can we now one-up the “Coug’d it” with a “Dawg’d it” after that pathetic loss in the desert by those Puskies? I swear, there is nothing better to see than a Husky fan after a loss! Huck the Fuskies!
Looks like wine bloggers are back in the news. There was a rumor that Paul Graygut was in the Houston area recently to do a book signing. How do we know? A wine drinker in nearby La Porte called in to say, “We are used to funny smells around here whenever a wine blogger is in town, but when he showed up, I thought something died in the house. We started burning candles but his smell didn’t go away.” Then there’s this note from our Los Angeles bureau where Sean Sillyvain was invited to do a wine seminar aboard a cruise ship. After his bogus presentation to a group of non-English speaking Communists, hundreds of passengers became infected with diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, and a bogus palate while admitting that they were told to become wine bloggers in their own country with the mantra of “fake it ’til you make it” as is the creed of that flakey buttworm himself. Finally, Shona made the sports front page Monday with DEA agents raiding several NFL locker rooms looking for that brokeass wine leech who was reported to be stealing bottles of champagne purchased for the victorious teams. The Federal agents also had a tip that Shona luvvvvvs horses and that she was also seeking some that were hung like a…
Catching up on recent news, we heard Sean recently won some type of award he begged for so we called him for an interview, of which he asked money for so he could pay his July rent but eventually backed off and volunteered his lame time.
Wineman: “So how’d you celebrate when you were declared the winner?”
Sean: “I jumped so high, my tampon almost dislodged itself. But, I brought my entourage on stage and we danced to that Pharell song, ‘Are You Fappy?’, doing the jazz hands thing with our twerking.”
Wineman: “I heard you had another falling-out with your Asian-fetish gf. What happened this time?”
Sean: “Well, as you know, I unseated my idol as the premier wine-stealing reviewer for the D-list wine mag so I’ve been blackmailing all these wineries that never gave me a thought before. That’s taken up all my time so Anny was complaining that I had tight nuts and a rusty tool. Well, when I have plumbing problems, I go to my nearest Ace Hardware store and bought the solution. When she came home from another stressful night waiting tables, I seduced her then sprayed my weapon on her blue waffle. She got upset and left the apartment even though I pleaded with her that I bought it because it was advertised as “Makes old tools like new again; tools slide in and out with ease; lubricates dry passage ways; makes screwing a pleasure; and gives better penetration.” She still didn’t appreciate having WD-40 sprayed on her kooch.”
Wineman: “So I take it she wasn’t happy when she found out you were bangin’ Stacey after meeting her at a food bar convention? How did you manage to bed a food company executive?”
Sean: “Easy! I just told her I don’t need to flirt and that I’d seduce her with my awkwardness.”
Wineman: “How’d that work out?”
Sean: “She told me to go deeper but, like a Pikachu, I had no PP left for that move.”
Wineman: “Are the peeps you meet at these conventions that easy to bed???”
Sean: “Oh wineman, I always soften them up with my feminine agreeability, then lay down this line– ‘If you say no to oral sex, somewhere a little rabbit starts to cry.'”
Wineman: “Hmmm, I tell women that I’m a Midwest forecast– ‘I’m like a snowstorm. I’ll give you 10-12 inches and make it inconvenient for you to move in the morning.'”
Sean: “I tried something like that but it didn’t get me far. I told some wine bloggers, both male and female, that I’m like a southwestern forecast– lots of hot air moving in with a quick two inches.”
Wineman: “And how did you first meet Jameson?”
Sean: “He shouted something sexually aggressive at me when he worked at Esquine Liquor Store and we just went from there really.”
Wineman: “I don’t get it. Why don’t you just settle down with one partner?”
Sean: “Life is short! But then you meet ‘The One’ and he or she makes each day drag on for like an eternity.”
Wineman: “Are you honest with each of your sex partners?”
Sean: “I am always upfront with each of them. I tell them I will love them forever and ever… until something better comes along or I get bored.”
Wineman: “So how did Anny take this latest breakup?”
Sean: “I told her she needed to move on and forget me and all my free passes to wine events. She tweeted back, ‘How am I supposed to forget you when everytime I go outside, I see things that remind me of you, like garbage bins and dogshit.'”
Ya know, with everyone and his ex-gay lover putting out ‘Top 50 Wines’-this and “I drank 713 wines to make my Top 100 Wines”-that before we even have a chance to buy that TG turkey, we’re noticing some pretty sleazy characteristics about these lists. For one, only wineries that donate their products will qualify. What happened to “I found this great wine I BOUGHT and put it to the test.”? After all, if you’re gonna tell a consumer what wines are so-called “great” then it should be understood that mister dood-on-a-pedestal has walked in the consumer’s path, visited the outlets that cater to retailing, and drinks the wine as a consumer would, at least to confirm the wine pairs well with a meal as opposed to being a fastidious meal-in-a-glass, of which such wines are really made to excel in testing and not at the dinner table.
One winery that’s missing on all prominent lists is Andrew Will Winery. Perhaps, owner Chris Camarda knows the bullshit racket of the local wine reviewers and refused to partake in the superfluous hyperbole that plagues these second-rate, half-ass wannabes because it surely isn’t due to his wines sucking.
This winery is transitioning to the next generation of winemaker as his adopted son assumes more responsibility over the daily operations. This is a natural course of evolution that is occurring in all the venerable Washington wineries of significance. Think Leonetti Cellar, Quilceda Creek, and Januik Winery, to name some of the top-tier players.
After all, if Washington didn’t have so many family-owned wineries then they would fall victim to the shitty, thoughtless transitions like what’s going on at Columbia Winery. Thankfully, that is still the exception than the rule, but for how much longer?
There is plenty of truth-in-advertising when Chris says his top-line ‘Sorella’ red will age for decades. This 2006 has the tattoo of a life expectancy out to another 25 years in the cellar.
He wasn’t kidding.
This bottle was opened five years post-release, made from grapes harvested eight years ago, and still tastes like day one. And, in full agreement, the wine evolved with grace and elegance after a couple of hours. Images of Grace Kelly dancing under a grand chandeliered ballroom wisped alluringly as I gazed-while-glazed at the rain-stained ceiling.
Tasted at 55-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Youthful garnet edge with a deep core of magenta reveals aromas of satiny-sweet oak, black currant, black cherry, and freshly crushed cloves of black pepper. Firm and full on the palate with a near-eternal presence displaying bold black fruits, cherry river, dark plum, black olive, burnt tips, cinna-mint, pencil shavings, and black licorice. A bullseye match with grilled ribeye, portabello, and Inca sweet onions.
Alcohol: 14.3%. Horse Heaven Hills AVA. 71% cabernet sauvignon, 17% merlot, 8% cabernet franc, 4% petit verdot. Average age of vines: 30 years (Champoux Vineyard, folks). Barrels: new Taransaud. Aged 21 months. Bottled June, 2008. Released February, 2009. TA 0.66. pH 4.0. 1326 cases. Power: 4/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 94. Value: $70. Paid: $65. Music pairing: “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.