How can you not love Donald Trump for speaking his mind and representing all the non-ethnic CEOs of this great nation? I had the honor of interviewing this masterpiece of business eccentricity recently while on a brief walking tour of our porous, overly-hyped southern border with our narco neighbors and he shared some interesting views similar to what the boo-birds of Washington wine bloggers have been smoke-screening to oblivious wine drinkers.
WAwineman: “Mister Trump, have you been following the shenanigans of the local Washington wine bloggers? What is your take on Sean Sillyvain calling you a dummy for supporting the WAwineman blog because we speak the honest truth about Washington wines, as opposed to all the suckup winemakers who pay to play to get a two-point boost on Choad Enthusiast’s wine ratings?”
The Don: “Luke, let me tell you this… he is not an independent wine blogger. He’s a wine blogger because the local wine commission facilitates his free tastings. I like wine bloggers who pay for their wines and, thus, are free from bias.”
WAwineman: “Can you please clarify for the dicksucker smelliers and wine-wannabe realtors and hipster sockheads who think they know wines but ain’t got the guts to actually go to a winery, pay for the wines, then test them at a dinner setting?”
The Don: “Look here, if a wine blogger pays for her/his wines, then they are a hero as far as I’m concerned. I don’t like the Silly and Vain one because he simply is not taking care of our honest wine drinkers in Washington.”
WAwineman: “What do you think of Sean’s comments about you owing an apology to every unemployable halfwit Washington wine blogger for not being a big fan of Washington wines?”
The Don: “Tell those government-subsidized morons that they should be forced to take a wine IQ test before blogging any more on Washington wines. I love Washington wines! But the simple fact is this… I like a great wine with my dinners aboard my personal jet. Whether it’s a ’61 Latour or a ’05 Quilceda Creek, I don’t give horse’s ass. I want nothing less than a 100-point wine, preferably rated by you, because I’m worth it. To those who hype a shitty wine into a 91 or 92 point rating while your cheapass Twitter profile is a red strip resembling his period pad, I say ‘Stop fucking your followers. Amazon pays you a living wage so you can masturbate all night in your shoebox rental in Wallingford.'”
WAwineman: “Getting back to Washington wines… what do you think are the latest trends in the industry?”
The Don: “Well, you should know as you are one of my advisors. I will say this: the last three vintages are world-class. Even a moron like Dave Butthead can make a decent sangiovese now. The fact that Precept Wines is hot on the tail of Chateau Ste. Michelin can only be good for all the cheap wine drinkers in the state. Chardonnay is overrated and thus, is overpriced in Washington. You can’t grow decent pinot noir, yet the local wine commission continues its flak about being ‘the perfect climate for wine’. Wine drinking or wine grape growing? Idiots there. I’d fire them all. Your strength is cabernet sauvignon, not syrah. Don’t kid yourselves. Have you tagged a Washington syrah with the honorable WAwineman 100 point rating? No. However, I have had the pleasure of partaking in your 100 point cabernets and they are the real deal.”
WAwineman: “Any last words before you become our next president?”
The Don: “Tell your following that your blog is the only one to cut the bullshit out and tell it like it is. It’s simple… you have adversity in fucking idiot hipster winemakers like Trey and the entire Lake Chelan bozos as well as the faggots who run the Walla Walla Valley like ISIS. This is a good sign. And we all know Paul Gutless lives with the regret he never wrote a single column or rated a wine for Wine Spunktator. He gave up having kids just so he could spew bullshit on his buddy’s wines for some D-rated wine rag. He’s a loser, just like his cocksucking lover successor. Let’s hope Washington wine drinkers get on board and clear the glaucoma from reading all that crap.”
Off the record, I asked The Don about wine grape trends, specifically gruner veltliner. He said just because $15 an hour overgratiated waiters, aka smelliers, think the world about a wine does not make for a great tasting wine. If you have to ask about wines at a first-rate restaurant, then you deserve the overpriced dog piss you will be served. Crap like gruner veltliner is a fad. Hipsters love that shit but it is rarely grown in the United States for a very simple reason… it sucks.
Well… I wouldn’t exactly put it that way but Washington GV isn’t near the real thing from Austria. It tastes more like a low-priced German dry riesling with no age. This wine was tested with smoked salmon and fresh cuts of fish and, well, it left me wanting. An Oregon beer. A Washington sauvignon blanc. Anything else but this. It’s not bad, but it’s not all that.
Based on the back label, this wine (1) is elemental; (2)not fierce; (3) not bold; (4) not rugged but more ragged; (5) not old world– the grapes are grown in the new world so why fuck it up?; (6) not alluring; (7) not much elegant unless I dragged this to a shotgun wedding; (8) inviting if I had a group of brokeass smelliers at my doorstep; (9) not unique as neighbor WT Vintners has a version of this; and (10) not modern unless “different” in part of the definition.
On a separate note, my gf did comment that my “love potion” after drinking this did not taste as sweet as after I had a dessert wine. That got me thinking… do wines influence the palatability of a sperm river? A little research shows that… there is no research at all that considers what wines influence the sweetness of jizz. I asked my science cohort about this and he said that there is a fair amount of sugars in seamen that exists to provide an energy source for those virulent tadpoles of passion. However, the longer a man stores his love potion, the less sweet it tastes going down. I skipped the part where he showed pictures to prove this as I wanted to finish my glazed donut…
Savage Grace Wines is a partner effort that officially sprouted in 2011. Michael Savage continues to trog through the swamps of WSET to achieve that illusionary Master of Wine status while his wife works to pay the bills. Sound familiar? Yeah… all too familiar.
It must be extended family that keeps him in this area because this guy has a strong affinity for grapes grown in the cooler Columbia Gorge AVA area, which is quite smart but perhaps would be better suited to a Vancouver or Portland home base. Gas is cheap, I guess.
What the magic is with gruner is beyond me. It’s dry. It lacks complexity. It doesn’t pair well with fish. But somms like it because they can sell a shitload of it to old 401k goats eating herb-crusted lamb chops…
Tasted at 49-56 degrees on the IR temp gun. Bright soft gold in the Riedel with a mild acid bite and medium body on the palate. Think a dollop of mineral water with lemon wedge, apricot, white peach, fresh cut golf course in the early morning. Spark-free white wine.
Alcohol: 12.5%. Underwood Mountain Vineyard. Columbia Gorge AVA. Less than 100 cases. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 89. Value: $20. Music pairing: “Sparks” by Hillary Duff. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.