Arbor Crest Wine Cellars 2013 Five Vineyards cabernet sauvignon

Apparently, we have new wine bloggers in our midst as Seattle was just nationally ranked number 7 amongst the rattiest metropolitan areas. Paul Ratsazelli of the Sodo district commented, “Indeed! The rat ranking definitely explains a lot, but doesn’t explain it all. Sometimes, these rats, er, wine bloggers tend to conglomerate around wine releases, uninviting themselves to free pours and unctuous food offerings. Sean Sillyvain of California Wine Report retorts, “Agreed! However, you should also mention that rats have a sharp sense of smell and are easy to train to write glowing reviews in exchange for free wine. Wait. I meant wine bloggers. Rats. Wine bloggers. Easy to confuse.” Lenny Poffo of Equine Wine Globe Merchants comments, “When a region adds more wineries, you attract the lowest form of wannabe writers. Look at Woodinville… you had Shona freeloading away in the warehouse district and she attracted another pest in Margot who attracted a bunch of tech twits who know absolutely nothing about wine yet think they can influence sales via social media. What morons!” And finally, Dave LeClunk was in his usual self-promotion mode, “Well, I think Totaled Wine is just the greatest bulk seller of wine. I just love Wilfredo Wong and his points. And I just… wait… I meant InBevMo? Who am I working for again?” While wine bloggers pack up for their big orgy in some remote wine outpost somewhere back east, I overheard a conversation amongst spouses (and Klingons) of wine bloggers talking about how certain wines improve the taste of sperm. There was Anny complaining about Sean’s jizz “tasting indescribably disgusting. I gagged and nearly barfed when he shot a teaspoonful between the hole in my front teeth. And that Jameson dude– I fed him cantaloupe hoping to improve his cockfizz. Nope. Still tasted like roadkill with bleach poured over it.” Babs added, “My Spanish boyfriend’s splooge tastes bad too. He likes overly oaked tempranillo and dried fish. I tried to coat his pecker with my yeast slime but it still smelled like a feral cat left a fishy hairball in my mother’s laundry room.” Well ladies, here’s your guide to getting the right amount of sweet plume on your man’s spunk. For you trailer park hos that enjoy boxed wines, pink zinfandel, or other bottom shelf dwellers, expect your man’s throat creem to have bitter undertones of crushed stinkbugs, beetle juice, and spider guts. That should be consistent with the dietary habits of said state-supported moochers living in a double-wide. For red wine drinkers, low-end (under $30)– stay away from heavily oaked wines is rule number 1. This should be easy as most of the wines in this price range lack extract of Lumber Liquidators. A sweet cabernet is a surprisingly good choice here. Go with light colors and fun labels. Wines in the $31-100 range is a minefield. Lots of heavy tannins and double-plus on barrel toast will make you man’s chowder taste like bleached charcoal. Avoid this zone. Not so coincidentally, this is the area where older men, high on Viagra, just cannot pull out in time so you women just have to deal with the stinky burn while sitting on the toilet. The best wines to pre-load your man’s load are white wines with a fair amount of residual sugar (between 1 and 5%). This stems from the anecdotal evidence from many other ladies of the night that insist pineapple juice and ripe berries make for sweet squirts from “ripe berries.” Look for unoaked chardonnay as the most ubiquitous choice in mini-marts, but think of other sub-$15 wines such as gewürztraminer, pinot gris, semillon, and sweet riesling. The thinking here is this: dickspit comprises over 95% water. Those little tadpoles of love only occupy about 2% volume and those little guys need a lot of fuel to swim upstream so that testicle cream also contains vitamin C and fructose sugar as a caloric source. It’s the trace minerals such as magnesium and zinc that give it a metallic bitterness while enzymes and other proteins give it that gluey consistency. My porn actress friend stated she prefers non-meat eaters (taste the irony?) and no vices, such as smoking, heavy alcohol, and processed food consumption. A clean lifestyle leads to a sweet climax on the sheets, so to say. And, feed your power driller the good stuff at least a few hours before he makes a deposit in your mouth bank. My research on young, willing nymphs has concluded that really fruit-forward Washington wines are the best at smoothing out a tart le-man cream filling. Look for a semillon-sauvignon blanc blend from Davenport Cellars; that sauvignon blanc from Guardian Cellars; a wicked chardonnay from Barrage Cellars; and two from Chateau Ste. Michelle– gewürztraminer and a cheap riesling. These wines will not break your wallet and the more your man cleans up and fortifies his junk spunk, the better the palatability going down. Arbor Crest Wine Cellars is fast becoming the iconic winery of Spokane, former home of the triple-A Indians. Having the same winemaker all these years breeds consistency and a familiar, predictable style of winemaking that is swelling the ranks of the faithful. Tasted at 55-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: magenta. Nose: faint raspberry and blackberry. Barely full-bodied with a moderate residence on the palate emanating flavors of Gifford Pinchot tinder, nettle, raspberry, and non-French oak. Alcohol: 13.8%. Columbia Valley AVA. Vineyards: Wahluke Slope (26%), Bacchus (25%), Dionysus (25%), Stillwater Creek (19%), and Klipsun (5%). 29th winery in the State (founded in 1982). Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 87. Value: $14. Music pairing: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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