Smasne Cellars 2013 Upland Vineyard aligote

Researchers recently named a newly discovered invertebrate off Indonesia after Elton John. Those same researchers also followed up with naming another spineless crustacean that feeds off of the drowned souls of clueless wine drinkers after Greg P. Utt. The Oxford English Dictionary released their quarterly update on new words added to the lexicon. Believe it or not, “wine o’clock” is now an accepted word, defined as “the appropriate time of day to drink wine.” Isn’t that what “24/7” means? Being Oxford is based in jolly old England, it is no surprise that “Brexit” means the United Kingdom’s potential (or real) exit from the European Union. They did mis-define “Grexit” though. Their version means Greece’s exit from the EU. In Washington state, “Grexit” means yet another boo-hoo tally-ho from Paul Greg Guttless from yet another social media site. Did anyone else catch that the Guttless one was listed on Ashley Madison as a “female seeking older man with privileges in closed-list winery club”? The jackknob had the audacity to list his fetish as extorting winery assets in return for favorable reviews. The authorities also misinterpreted the new word, “butt dialing,” as “calling someone accidentally with your mobile phone in a rear pocket.” Butt dialing in Washington means Sean Sillyvain calling on wineries to donate their wines to him so he can take a serious picture of his fugly mug surrounded by all those open bottles of schlock. Then, there’s “manspreading”– referring to men who spread their legs wide open to ventilate their nards…. so wide open that they encroach on a neighboring bus or train seat. Manspreading here in the Northwest is an illusion amongst wine bloggers like W. Fake Gray who like to sit on a tasting room’s wine bar to air out his clitoris-sized nutsack while bellowing to anyone within earshot that he’s all that in wine blogging. One noticeable omission that didn’t make it this year: “pussy grove.” This term refers to the sudden influx of a bride’s wedding party invading an otherwise quiet tasting room. Winemakers also refer to this pestilence as “native yeast inoculation.”

Why the women hating lately? Well, my gf made me buy her a pair of Tory Burch boots recently. Yeah. Enuff said on that one. And all I got in return was a fake orgasm after I made her watch WWE Raw. fml.

Aligote is the bastard child of Burgundy’s white grapes. We all know chardonnay. It’s grown everywhere. As for aligote, it is commercially grown in only one plot here– Upland Vineyard. A few wineries tap the few acres to make a novelty bottling. And, when it comes to novelty wines, you can bet it will show up on Smasne’s big board of offerings. Some may think this is some sort of gimmick, but to real wine lovers, Bobby-O is doing a real service of marketing as wide a selection of grapes, further reinforcing the abandoned claim that Washington is “the perfect climate for wine”-grape growing. This is why it is so important to frequent the tasting rooms you have never heard of, because you never know when you will stumble into something that will rock your sensibilities. Real wine aficionados know every kinda wine out there.

The question here… is aligote worth the effort? Does it bring a unique profile that fits with the food grown here? When sampling this, some will be reminded of traversing the countryside in some Eastern bloc countries where aligote is more prominent these days. Too bad the Syrian refugees don’t have time to stop and taste the offerings on their way to Germany. The fact is this: it lacks the complexity of its sexier companion. That, and it is far easier for rednecks to chop up “chardonahay” than to say “allie-goat.” Aligote just lacks sophistication and marketing. It’s like dating Babs Winegal or Cyndy O. You’d wear some nice flannel for Cyndy as you both dine at T. Maccarone’s whereas you’d simply keep on the soiled overalls from pig wrasslin’ when you take Babs to a fine chicken dinner at Sonic Drive-In or a greasy burger at Zip’s. That’s the difference between chardonnay and aligote. In a nutshell.

Tasted at 52-58 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: lemony sunshine. Nose: round aromas of peach, citrus blossom, pink cotton candy. Mouthfeel: medium-bodied. Tail trail: 9 seconds. Flavors: crisp slices of ripe peach, nectarine, pear and orange extract.

Alcohol: 13.5%. Snipes Mountain AVA. Whole cluster pressed. Aged 8 months sur lie in both neutral and new French oak. 116 cases. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “Every Kinda People” by Robert Palmer. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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