Aspiring wine blogger-to-be Steve Rannazzisi got called out for his lie after boasting that he narrowly escaped the World Trade Center on 9/11/01. He went from 2009’s “I was there and then the first tower got hit…” to 2015’s “I was not at the Trade Center that day.” Typical wine blogger retraction ala Paul Gutless and Sean Sillyvain after you buy a wine based on their bullshit descriptions and discover the wine has none of the characteristics. Speaking of the raisin’d Gutless one… French scientists discovered that a 30,000 year-old virus found deep in Choad Enthusiast’s writing department was still able to boodle dumbass wine readers into buying wines that some conglomerate paid for. But, just remember this–when wineries come a knockin’ to wine bloggers like the previously mentioned, they are asked to “wet my beak,” which some informed insiders think is a request to suck their shriveled 2-inch pricks. They are later told that it really meant they wanted monetary considerations so they can pay off last month’s rent and utilities. Sadly, we end on this note of hope that Chile will quickly heal after an 8.3’er hit the capital and generated a tsunami. No other wine blogger gives a f*ck as they’re too busy retweeting each other’s pussystrokes.
I’ve seen some pretty damn awful questions asked of winemakers at release parties. Where do these nutless wonders crawl out of and why, oh why, would these silicone-stuffed willies get up the nerve to even ask these??
(1) “Where in the world do your favorite wines originate?” Oh. My. F*cking. Gawd. If the winemaker responds with anyplace other than where his/her wines came from, this fool does not deserve a shitty penny from the consumer. Are you kidding me??? You are asking a winemaker to endorse another winemaker’s wine above his/hers! What a dumbass if anyone falls for that.
(2) “What is your best wine of this vintage?” Hey, look… don’t even bother asking retarded questions like that. Every wine a winemaker creates is like his/her child. You’re basically asking a “parent” which of his/her children is the best. Do the world a favor and crawl back up between your unwed momma’s legs…
(3) “What’s the hardest part of your job?” Easy… talking to numbnuts like you and doing it with a smile.
(4) “What types of varietals are grown at this winery?” Well, since you were too clueless to visit our website and/or notice that our winery sits in a warehouse district…
(5) “What awards and ratings have you received for your wines?” Omg… a score chaser. A status freak. A short-term clubber. The responsible answer would be to explain that practically ALL wine awards depend on donated wines (read: free wines, and also throw in that the only responsible wine awards is the Woodinville Wine Honors due to this fact) that broke restaurant wine servers judge as a way to “pay back” those wineries who greased their palms (or in Paul’s and Sean’s demands… jizzed their palms). Ratings are purely arbitrary–there is no established guideline in rating wines, whether some prune’s 20-point or 100-point “system,” it is purely arbitrary and susceptible to individual bottle variation, so say some desperate winemakers and free-wine shlocking wine bloggers.
(6) “What characteristics can we expect from this year’s crop?” This facepalm is brought to you by wannabe wine aficionados. How the f*ck does anyone know that? Nary is the winemaker that will say, “My wine’s gunna suck this year because of the all the wildfires and lack of rain and I forgot to remove the snakes and stinkbugs from the sorting table and I thought the stems and leaves would add an interesting component this year and…” Dude, we’re winemakers, not swamis.
Here’s how to deal with winemakers–
(1) Look presentable. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth. Wear nice clothes. Look like you made an effort to be attractive, not an eyesore.
(2) Act like a friend. Smile. Say hi. If you are packing boobs, show some tasty cleavage. Look ’em in the eyes and say something nice about the wine you’re sipping.
(3) Always be positive! Take it from this trial when I was choking down some ripasso’d sangiovese that tasted like spent nuclear fuel. “I bet Union Carbide would love a sample of this.”
(4) First, ask about the wine. What varietals? What vineyards (if not mentioned on the label)? Why did you decide on this final composition (if a blend)? How did you come up with the label design?
(5) Then go deep and ask about the winemaker. What were you doing before you got into wine? Why did you get into winemaking (Don’t you know it pays crap but you get laid a lot!)? Why did you choose your winemaking style? How long is your penis? Okay, don’t ask that last one…
(6) And the clincher if you REALLY like the wines… “How do I join your wine club?” Do this and I guarantee you, GUARANTEE YOU!, that the winemaker will know who you are after your meeting. That is, unless the winery has a thousand-plus other local clubbers already in.
Here’s what to do with the results you get.
(1) The winemaker is your new bff. Sign up for the club. Don’t leave the area without a couple bottles.
(2) The winemaker gives cardboard answers like there’s some truth missing. Hey, enjoy the free wines and food then go on your merry way.
(3) The winemaker is a douchebag deluxe. Get double pours from each station, eat all the appetizers like the buffet’s prematurely closing, then take home the Riedel stem. It’s better than lifting a stiff middle finger!
Bonus points if you notice the other clubbers there and figure out if this is your wine cave.
Bottom line is, this is Socializing 101. Don’t be popping your zits or digging for gold at the wine counter. Be chatty. Everyone around you has either a glass of wine or a DD-status (designated driver). They’re all happy. Get infected. You feel happy but you’re not smiling? Hey, notify your face and get with the program, pronto. No Debbie Downers at a wine party. If this ain’t your style, then don’t go until you’re ready. Simple as that.
Tasted at 59-65 degrees on the IR temp gun. Dark magenta-garnet in the Riedel with aromas of black pepper, bell pepper, and blackberry crème. Full-bodied with a lengthy residence showing those peppers, black fruits, gritty charred earth, and cherry liqueur.
Alcohol: 13.9%. Horse Heaven Hills AVA. 192 cases (bottle 900 of 2304). First vintage 2008. Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5 Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 89. Retail: $36. Music pairing: “Style” by Taylor Swift. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated, but not uncouth.