Do we miss Florida or waaaaat? A 68 year-old Lakeland pensioner was one of the solicitors in an undercover sweep of prostitutes. The following is a trail of his crime, not unlike a local wine blogger preparing to give a speech at a Wine Commission event: the fool replied to an online advertisement requesting a dominatrix and rode his bicycle (after losing his driver’s license to a DUI) to a motel, where he disrobed to reveal… a French maid’s uniform, a chastity belt, and a dog collar all worn in the appropriate locations. And that’s not including the coke bottle glasses he was sporting. Upon arrest, he confessed he worked at Home Depot. Well… think I will taking all my business to McClendon’s from now on. Heading west on I-4 to I-275, a 12 year-old St. Petersburg knucklenut, with a 20-arrest rap sheet, rode his bicycle to a gas station and conned an octagenerian out of his car and drove away in his whip. Guess he wanted to add “grand theft auto” to his inglorious list of indecencies. All he needs to complete his pathetic mess is to add “wine blogger” to his achievements. Turning east on Hwy. 60, a 32 year-old Vero Beach man got nabbed for lifting an “Arouz’d screw butt plug” and “Arouz’d stroker can” from a Spencer’s store, even though he had the money to pay for it. He dejectedly admitted that he was too embarrassed to honestly pay for them at the cashier. The simple fact he was in a Spencer’s to begin with says everything we don’t need to know, kind of like Shona at a horse farm. Let’s head out west for a breather. The ugly sweater un-fashion trend has infected our pets. Pet stores in Los Angeles can’t re-stock their shelves fast enough as owners of furry companions swoop them up, including owners of guinea pigs. There are 5K runs devoted to ugly sweater pets in Chicago. Further evidence of the dumbing of America and why India and China will be our masters by the end of this century.
Speaking of domesticated animals, we have a lot of dog owners reading this blog, so let’s make this the Dogs of Wine issue.
There are thousands of different breeds of canine, but only a unanimous consensus of a few truly FUGLY dog breeds that no one should own, similar to wine bloggers. Here are the five worst-looking breeds and their relation to local wine bloggers.
5. The Chinese Crested mutt that reminds everyone of Annie Dong. This is a dog that is bald mostly from the neck down and hippie from the neck up. Kinda like Annie, who Sean says is “bald from the neck down, specifically, her snatch.” TMI, Sean. T. M. I.
4. The Pug, aka Margot’s bulging eyeballs. Some people think pugs are pretty. Yeah, name one that won a beauty contest, rigged or not. Yeah. didn’t think so.
3. The Mexican Hairless that smells like Jamie PeePeeHaHa. This smooth-skinned but hairless freak is known to ward off evil spirits but all she has done recently is keep promising to bring back her “cracked” table talk wireless show to all six of her AM radio listeners. Wait, what is AM radio??
2. The Bulldog. Your choice here–Clive or Josh. Doesn’t matter. They both reek a stench only their mothers could tolerate. In spite of spending too much time in front of the cracked mirror, these asswipes think they are the shits in the bicycle and dive bar world, respectively. A swift teep to their chops will hit them harder than a Narcan shot.
1. Topping the bottom of this list is the Boston Terrier. Gee, how coincidental that Sean proudly claims to be from the Boston area, even though he is from far south in a hamlet called Wareham. Like Sean, the Boston Terrier is actually a mix of English dogs, not Irish or anything near Boston. Also like Sean, they have compact bodies with short hair and equally short, 2-inch penises. However, this breed is known to have intelligence as is displayed by Sean conning readers of Choad Enthusiast into thinking he knows wine and has vast experience in strumming the 100-point rating scale.
So, here it is, like we promised. Woodinville’s most expensive commercial wine to date. Only about a couple hundred cases are floating around the area and this blog was lucky enough to acquire a bottle. Any other wine blogs you know of review this wine? Any wine searchers? Yeah, didn’t think so either.
This current off-season between wine vintages will be officially Bob Betz’s final one, unless he signed an extension as he desired (and should rightfully have). The original intent was to ride off into the sunset to be with his grandkids but like any singularly-focused master, he didn’t find full retirement to be all that. Being around winemaking is his true comfort zone (and it pays well, too). So, he’s desiring to stick around a little longer, much to the applause of his namesake winery’s still-closed mailing list. Also, it helps to have back-to-back-to-back sterling vintages in Washington. And a new vineyard under the winery’s control.
Much has been said of this wine, but with scant validation from independent sources. This is one of those true independent sources that didn’t have to suck the crusty wad that is the local wine commission.
Does that free us to say negative things about any wine? Hell yes. Are we doing that here? Hell no. Why not? Because this is a tumescent wine. This is a wine that advocates baby-making. For every Le Parrain that was sold at this release (except this one) and consumed, you can reasonably estimate that one boy or girl will be roaming our planet Earth in the next 6 months. That is, if everyone popped it open. This is a wine that both Republicans and Democrats can unanimously hail. Pro-life and pro-choicers will come together (or is it ‘cum’ together) and salute this wine. Black Lives Matter will change its name to Black Wines Matter. This is that powerful a wine.
The drawback is the pricing. The previous version, 2005, sold for just over half what this was retailing for. I don’t know if you can call it “retailing” when the wine sold out to list members pre-release, but it is what it is. This cut is the latest in a recent string of Washington wines to cross the $100 barrier in order to be taken seriously by the far more wine-plagued California-leaning advocates. ‘Washington produces great values at all levels’ has been the mantra to the world. They weren’t referring to this one.
Seriously, who pays $130-150 for a bottle of Washington wine, or any wine for that matter? Well, besides this blog– hint: $200 for a DuBrul Vineyard cabernet way back when. And a $160 Quilceda Creek tannin-bomb. And a $100 Chucky Smith heavily extracted syrah. Never mind the 21 Grams, Grand Ciel, or any library offerings circulating out there currently. Okay, so I guess there is a market for this liquid gold…
Tasted at 58-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Blackish purple on the swirl with aromas of savory cured slabs of Double Q Ranch beef, and bright black and red fruits. Tantalizingly silky and full-bodied on the palate with a sizzling mid-palate and evolution on the long fade. A miasma of liquorous cassis, nettle, raspberry, tellicorn peppers, currants, cherry, cedar, spiny tannins, dried leafy herbs, and red spices.
Alcohol: 14.7%. Listed as “Columbia Valley” but this is 100% Red Mountain AVA clone 8 cabernet sauvignon. Vineyards: Heart Of The Hill, Kiona, and Ciel du Cheval. Power: 4/5. Balance: 5/5. Depth: 5/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 98. Value: $150. Sold out. So solid, your grandchildren will enjoy it. Investment-grade wine. Music pairing: “Money” by Barrett Strong. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.