With so many new readers on board, we here at Brand Central decided to re-educate the newbies with the vibe that makes this Washington wine blog the greatest home base for omni-knowledge about Washington wines.
After all, ask any veteran reader of this blog and they will emphatically give a clinical dissection about the many so-called “independent” Washington wine blogs that are underhandedly paid for by the local wine commission and sexually gratified by the more established broke-ass wine smelliers in the Emerald City. When these scumbag lowlifes are not plagiarizing wine notes off of this site or a winery’s website, you can find them slithering around wineries vainly attempting to extract free wines from unsuspecting tasting room managers. And, of course, any simp reading their blogs knows a reviewer can be completely unbiased when rating a free wine that was knowingly “donated” by a winery’s staff. Yeah… right.
Since the original posting, where have they gone? Sable425 proposed to Martin Shkreli. Diva Tink found true love again… for the twentieth time. SeattleWineHooch won a paternity suit against a winless bullfighter she met on Ashley Madison and used the proceeds to move to Spain to find more losers. StoneCold Yashish moved to Nepal to be at one with the Dalai Llama–he could have just moved to Puyallup–plenty of four-leggers there. Taryn and Nicole have “tagteamed” half of the winemakers under 30. And, Charlie can’t make up his mind where to blow his millions on homes after selling out his house wine to corporate gooberheads.
Then, there’s Sean, the asshat puke who’s a legend in his own syphilis-infested mind and who once eschewed the 100-point wine rating system (maybe because it was too complex to master) only to acquiesce once the lemon party elders at Choad Enthusiast (a D-rated wine mag) picked him to review wines from the Northwest after winning a Lemon Party Idol contest where he teabagged judges Paul Guttless and the HoseMasterBaterOfWine.
So… here’s the classic post that Hollywood noticed and put this blog on the A-list. You’re welcome.
Turning on the boob tube to the Wine Channel to watch the recap of Tuesday Night Titans where a bunch of local wine pundits gathered at Russell’s Restaurant (aka “the Barn”) in beautiful uptown Bothell and sponsored by the Cooper Wine Company. Ah, here’s the part where I interview the participants. Let’s take a looky:
(Here comes Sean “The Rock” Sullivan just finishing up the tasting)
WAwineman: “Hey, Sean, how was it in there?”
Sean: “Who in the Blue Hell are you?”
WAwineman: “Why Sean, I’m…”
Sean: “IT DOESN’T MATTER who you are!”
WAwineman: “Sean, you don’t have to yell at me, I’m not blind!”
Sean: “You wanna go one-on-one with ‘the Great One’?”
WAwineman: “Well, actually I wanted to know your thoughts of the wines but I’d rather you tell if you could confirm the rumor that when you were growing up, your mom and dad ran away from home.”
Sean: “Listen punk, I…”
WAwineman: “Ooo, here comes Sable425! Hey, baby, how were the wines tonight?”
Sable425: “Would you please shut…the hell…up!?” (walks away)
(Here comes DivaTink…)
WAwineman: “Hey DivaTink, how about those Cooper Wines tonight?”
DivaTink: “I got two words for ya…drink it!” (as she makes an “X” with her forearms at her waist) (Behind her is the SeattleWineHooch)
WAwineman: “Uh SeattleWineHooch, did you think the wines were approachable?”
SeattleWineHooch: “I’m a legend in the social media and wine industry. If you don’t believe me, ask me.”
SeattleWineHooch spots DivaTink moving in on her date, attacks and tackles DivaTink.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, looks like a slobberknocker out there.”
Sean: “DivaTink’s getting whipped like a government mule!”
(Stone Cold Yashish passes by)
Stone Cold Yashish: “Ooo!, I see puppies!”
WAwineman: “Hey Yash, nice effort out there at the wine table tonight! Did it hurt?”
Yashish: “Hurt? Hurt? Pardon my language, but did it hurt when you Botox’d your moobs, you dumb jabroni?” (walks away with a gruff stare)
(Here comes the diva duo of TarynTheTerror and NastyNicole)
Taryn and Nicole: “Hey Wineman, we had a good time out there tonight. Oh look, Paul Gregutt made an appearance with his new hairstyle.”
WAwineman: “With a haircut like that, it looks like Billy Gay Cyrus went and had sex with a retarded hyena. By the way, Nicole, what was your previous occupation?”
Taryn butts in: “Nikki here wasn’t always a wine diva. She used to have a job at the sperm bank. She got fired for drinking on the job!” (laughs as they head out the door)
(Here comes the man responsible for the wines poured tonight, Neil “the Godfather” Cooper, along with a flock of scantily clad women with way too much makeup.)
WAwineman: “Hey Godfather, do you think your wines are just a bit too hedonistic? And, by the way, nice grillz.”
the Godfather: “Look at you. Why, you look like a big monkey came down here, took a crap in Rob’s restaurant, and out came WAwineman!”
(WAwineman is speechless and looking at the camera, perplexed)
the Godfather: “Now look at me and my brood! This is what you get when you drink my wines. Get it? Got it? Now, get outta here! You can kiss my bunda, boy! Pimpin’ ain’t easy!” (and off they go into the night)
(Last is Charles “Sam Kinison” Smith to pass by)
WAwineman: “Hey Charles, what’s the word?”
Charles: (waving his open hand between our faces) “You can’t see me! An *bleep* to you *bleepin* wine bloggers, aw, aw, aw, AWWWWWWWWW!!!!” (and walks away)
Sean: “Listen roody-poo, I have a harem waiting for me in the limo. I’m outta here.”
And as The Rock leaves, WAwineman pulls out an empty bottle of Charles Shaw cabernet and smashes it over The Rock’s head, sending him to the ground.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, now do you smell what the wineman’s drinking?”
(Sneaking in from behind the wall are The High-Fivin’ Red Wine Guys (Greg and Paul) each smashing a bottle of Gramercy Cellars Tempranillo over the wineman’s head.)
Greg Harrington: “No, fool. It’s…do you smellllllll-el-el-el-L-L-L-L…what the Harrington…is…drinking?” (looking up at the ceiling)
Paul Gregutt: “To be ‘The Man’, you gotta outblog ‘The Man’! Woooooooo~”
Moral: never drink wine while watching wrasslin’.
Man, I never get tired of reading this sh*t! We sent a few agents to find Neil Cooper for a follow-up but his last dozen girlfriends all divulged that he was in the Dallas-area, either expanding his wine empire or defending his lucha libre championship belt. Same difference.
Thankfully, what hasn’t changed, and only got better, are his wines. His wines carry the family name so any wine connoisseur should feel confident that they are buying one heck of a wine. This is the man with a turbulent past who made carmenere fashionable again. Who made a zinfandel and syrah blend. Who crafted the inaugural vintage of L’Inizio with the funkiest numbers ever: 54.54%, 30.30%, 9.09%, and 6.06%. Who throws the rowdiest parties that involve many crisp dollar bills. This is why he is… The Godfather.
Divinely paired with Texas-style barbecued pork ribs.
Tasted at 62-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. Potent blackberry, black cherry, dark forest leaves, red plum, red pepper, black licorice, and black violets. Pretty damn good for showing this early from the pathetic 2011 vintage, but that’s why the Red Mountain AVA is Washington’s finest region for wine grapes. You have to be a royal eediot to eff up a Red Mountain wine. Oh, sorry Kealla Winery… you dumbasses.
Alcohol: 14.7%. Red Mountain AVA. Vineyards: Hightower, Red Mountain, and Cooper Estate. More than a hundred cases. Drinking window: 2016-the end. Power: 3/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 92. Value: $45. Sold out. Music pairing: “Coop’s Entrance Song” by The Ho Train. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.