Guardian Cellars 2013 Entrapment chardonnay

So… the Pope himself, the Grand Poobah of a religion that initiated wars throughout Europe for millennia, had the audacity to insult the next POTUS by stating, “A person who only thinks about building walls… is not Christian,” squeezed some irony into this American election year. After all, the Ku Klux Klan-lookalike resides in a city-nation that is surrounded by walls built some 1,170 years ago. But, that’s Catholicism for ya… And hey, speaking of this hypocritical philosophy, let’s talk about artificial contraception. The Catholic clergy, when not raping young choirboys, bans the use of artificial contraception. They are absolutely against it because they know ‘Catholic’ rhymes with ‘prolific’. The religion attracts a pack of horndogs and hornkitties that display virtuousness, but behind closed doors, they multiply faster than rabbits. Some of the horniest women in my history were devout Catholics. It got to the point where dating the holiest single lady in class was the ultimate testicular challenge. And good gawd, they were the loudest screamers! Still yet, this Roman Catholic clergy quietly permits artificial contraception (eg. birth control pills) in South America and also allowed it when their nuns were getting nutted against their will in the Congo. Go ahead, fact check this. I dare ya.

Say you’re just a “Christian”…

You go to church on Sundays… some of the time… as long as it doesn’t conflict with a 10am Seahawks game… you do singalong hymns, you throw in a fiver in the bowl, you hug your neighbors in the pews, you fall asleep during the sermon. You know who you are. For one hour in the week, you are bliss. You are the sacred one. The virgin bitch. The manly man. Bullshit. You go home, you beat your kids, you kick your dog, you diss your significant other. You grab a beer and tell everyone to shut the hell up because you can’t listen to the big game on your tv. The rest of the week– you cuss in traffic, you dupe your customers to maximize your profits, you crap on your subordinates, you don’t give a f*ck about your kid failing in school because you’re “tired” from life, and you think you can beat everyone up because no one watches more UFC than you do. Yeah, that’s being a real “Christian,” dude. And, let’s not mention all the measles that the missionaries brought to new lands to spread their gift of conversion.

To be fair, it’s not like Islam is any different. Mulsim boyz are so deranged that they force their women to completely cover up lest they incite scroatal sensations by the mere exposure of their nose, lips, or hair. Never mind the milky funbags or bald beavers. The simple act of hugging or kissing in public brings a lengthy jail term. Restaurants in Islamic countries segregate single men from the rest of society, requiring separate seating accommodations. Why? Because they are dirty perverts. That’s why.

So, as an anarchist, you can understand why religion is truly the root of all evil. There is no afterlife. There is no higher being watching only over you. This is truly only a human curiosity. Name another species that believes this. And, if the Bible explains all that is, then how was the Earth’s moon created and for what reason? Why is there such a belief in the existence of alien life forms or even ghosts? Why give Jesus credit for turning water into wine when it was Saccharomyces that did it?

You see, religion is the real root of all evil.

Back to wine news…

Looks like Paul Guttless has been on tour recently, promoting “his” wine that someone else made. He stopped over in Porter Ranch recently to do a book signing and the newspapers covered his presence by declaring a major gas leak that forced the evacuation of hundreds who were downwind of his smelly ass. He later returned to Everett wearing a citrusy jumpsuit where the local press recited the sudden existence of orange slime within its borders. Seattle Police reported recently that a suspect eerily described as a disgruntled Amazon software development engineer with salty hair and a 2-inch penis who lived in the Wallingford area was combing through trash bins looking for free wine. The $10 reward for a good tip wasn’t enough for me to turn Sean in. What would I do with it? Buy a case of Kealla Winery sangiovese? What a waste of cash.

Guardian Cellars. It’s a badass winery. You are not hip if you haven’t bought their wines or attended their release parties. Ask winemaker Jerry if he really was going to shoot the numbnut who packed a shotgun in the local library. Ask winemaker Jennifer if she wants to move to Seattle after all her reporting on the inane and insane.

Tasted at 53-59 degrees on the IR temp gun. Light straw in the Riedel with overtones of hay covering lemon, nectarine, apple butter, and ripe pear. Full-bodied with a mild acid bite and long residence leading with facial powder, white apple, creamy butter, lemon zest, hazelnuts, and honeydew melon. Great with chicken curry.

Alcohol: 14.2%. Hundreds of cases. Conner Lee Vineyard. Columbia Valley AVA. Aged in 2/3 new French oak. AKA Cougar Juice because of all the lovely milf realtors out there in east King County who are itching to pass on their yeast infections. Power: 2/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 91. Value: $30. Music pairing: “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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