Breaking news from Anny as they prepare for their nuptials: “We at Washington Free Wine Reporter would like to share a cautionary tale with our twelve fans. Last night, our non-credentialed wine expert Sean Hong was cutting jalapenos and neglected to wash his hands before taking a shower. Needless to say, his groinal area was in severe pain for hours. Sean did not want to share his mishap with only a dozen dumbasses, so we feel it’s EXTREMELY important that everyone knows what happened and learn from this douchebag’s mistake. As funny as burning your vagina with jalapenos might seem, it is no laughing matter. Be aware. Be safe. You can donate to his gofundme site to get a sex change.
At the recent Tasteless Washington convention for posers and fake wine experts, we discussed the shameful schmoozing with wineries to score free wines as well as each other’s personal lives because there’s no better story than exposing what your wine blogger is really like.
Here are a few lowlights from that constipating fusion of worthless minds:
WAwineman: “Hey Anny, congratulations on your future life with your wife over there but tell me, what was most memorable from your first date with Sean?”
Anny: “I was waiting for him to get ready and he then went to the bathroom and left the door open! It was our first date and he went no. 2.”
WAwineman: “Well, alrighty then. So then, what did he say that made you know he was ‘the one’?”
Anny: “It was at the beginning of the recession and you know Sean is so witty! I took off my clothes and got on my knees after he told me, ‘So, uh, the government went down today and I was wondering if you would be patriotic enough to do the same?'”
WAwineman: “So it was great sex?”
Anny: “At first, no. I mean, he kept wanting to impress me with his math from Bard College. When my mouth was done with him, he said, ‘And as you can see now, the derivative of lnx is 1/x.'”
WAwineman: “And how did you reply?”
Anny: “Wow! You’re just so nice and helpful. Now, help me unhook my bra.”
WAwineman: “Okay, let’s go retro. When you met him for the very first time at a trade tasting, how did he introduce himself to you?”
Anny: “Hi, I’m Sean. Are you drunk enough to go home with me?”
WAwineman: “Well, that’s awkward. Hey Josh, how did your first dates go?”
Josh: “I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.”
WAwineman: “Well, it’s priorities with you. Was she impressed with your savvy?”
Josh: “I don’t know.”
Anny: “When a woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal.”
Josh: “That explains why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.”
Shona: “Well Josh, live my creed– if you ever feel unattractive, just remember… you look like your ancestors and hey, they all got laid!”
WAwineman: “Hey Babs, how’s life?”
Babs Winegal: “My boobs are loving unemployment. They don’t have to go to boob jail everyday.”
WAwineman: “Those are boobs? I thought I saw a McClendon Hardware dude looking at you and getting his hammer claw ready to remove a couple nails from a 2 by 4.”
Margot: “You guys think we don’t understand your corny little sex jokes.”
WAwineman: “You are our corny little sex jokes.”
Babs: “I enjoy your jokes as much as riding a roller coaster.”
Sean: “Why ride a roller coaster when you could have rode me?”
Babs: “I’m less likely to die from boredom on a roller coaster.”
Sean: “Agreed! I’m fully taking this as a compliment.”
Chris: “Roller coasters cost less.”
Jameson: “Roller coasters have more thrills.”
Sean: “Double rude!”
Chris: “Roller coasters don’t harbor disease.”
Nelson: “Roller coasters are fun!”
WAwineman: “Can you all give Sean advice on the married life?”
Paul: “A happily married man is one who understands every word that his wife didn’t say.”
Madeline: “9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th husband hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted.”
Shona: “From my own experience, tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”
Double Canyon is an estate winery under the wide umbrella of the much larger Crimson Wine Group out of Napa, CA. Yes, yet another stealth California conglomerate migrating up to Washington because the wines here are a far better value for them to make than trying to buy up more Napa Valley land. At least this winery has well-reputed neighbors in Phinny Hill and Champoux vineyards so they can better justify the high sticker price for their wines from a rather young winery.
The most obvious advantage, from a consumer’s standpoint, is Double Canyon has access to a real marketing department so it’s no surprise their wines sell quickly thanks to their racy, artsy front labels. No stupid housewives in curlers or labels that look like it came off a 1987 MacIntosh.
Ultimately, it’s what’s in the bottle that starts a following and this one’s good enough for tourists to our Emerald City. That explains the tasting room squatting in the ancient quarters of Pioneer Square. The prices are almost at Archery Summit level for a winery that has no track record. The estate vines themselves were planted in 2007, so this is about a 4th commercial harvest wine, unlike those at Champoux and Phinny HIll. As such, give this one time to express itself. Perhaps, the warm 2018 vintage…
Tasted at 61-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: black magenta. Nose: coy blackberry. Mouthfeel: velvety, clean, refined. Tail trail: 13 seconds. Flavors: blackberry, plum, raspberry, sage, basil, thyme, and sweet tannins.
Alcohol: 13.7%. Vineyards (grapes): estate (cabernet sauvignon), Phinny Hill (syrah), Champoux (malbec, petit verdot). Harvested: October 1-November 1. Aged 17 months in 30% new oak. On-site wine shapers: Will Beightol and Stephanie Pao. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 89. Value $20. Music pairing: “I’m Your Boogie Man” by KC & The Sunshine Band. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.