Kirkland Signature 2015 Columbia Valley red wine

It’s sunny. It’s May. It’s the Pacific Northwest. That can only mean one thing… human body parts showing up in all the wrong places. The region that brought us serial killers Ted Bundy and Gary Ridgway would smile as they read that (1) a deteriorated human leg with its boot still on was discovered in a debris pile in Gastineau Channel, Juneau, AK. Authorities there announced that bodies (and body parts) reach their shores every so often, the last being a bloated fatass in a dark corner of the Red Dog Saloon that was later found to be Paul Guttless drunk on boxed Alaskan wine. (2) Down 30 miles south of Portland, Orygun, a 36 year-old doorknob walked into a grocery store holding his mother’s severed head. He admitted to the po-po that he bought a wine based on a Choad Enthusiast recommendation and was so distraught at how awful the wine was that he had to commit matricide to appease his wine crime. And (3) this just up the road in the beer capital of the Northwest, Portland’s finest is asking the public “See Man?” after posting a picture of a Portlandian accused of throwing a cup of semen onto unsuspecting women in grocery stores. This reminded me of a story that Sean Sillyvain boasted to me at one of Barbara Winegal’s backyard hoochfests where he claimed to have nutted more women than all other wine bloggers combined. Real classy method, Sean. Just like your bullshit wine reviews.

What is all the hubbub with “fake news” these days? Fake news has been embroidered into wine reviews since the day reviewers accepted free wine in exchange for “the cup is half full” serenade of glowing words.

It’s like going to a Tezla dealer and finding out all other brands of cars are a steaming load of diaper stains, yet when you drive off the lot with a Model S, you’ll be roasting marshmallows off your passenger seat.

Time and again, this is common knowledge that Whine Enthusiastic reviewers coddle with the Walla Walla Valley wine group, get free wines that cost consumers north of $50 for a $20 bottle of wine, and free meals at downtown Wally World’s finest macaroni establishments.

Admittedly, their wine scores are consistent. Consistently 2 to 3 points above what other reviewers who don’t have the grease on their hands.

Of course, the slime at Whine Enthu have to blend their loaded reviews with wines from less desperate wineries that are less-willing to pay-to-play.

This is where the company behind Kirkland Signature wines should be lauded even more than just selling  wines that punch above their quality. KS wines may have started its existence as a Trader Joe’s knockoff; however, today KS wines contract with a wine region’s more reputable wineries.

And, in KS’s home state, they have done just that– developing an enduring collaboration with a winemaker in the prestigious Long Shadows Vintners collection to sculpt an exciting wine consistent with the area’s vintage year while holding down the price.

This is the third vintage this blog has reviewed and we are happy to report that, while the price has dropped a couple bucks, the quality has remained steady. This is important to note because, as any economical fool knows, wine prices trend with inflation, especially in communities with a growing appetite for locally-sourced wines.

Of note, the bottle label for this has improved to a black-dominated design. No sad picture of a grapevine. All black and silver that an Oakland Raiders fan would approve of. Also included is “Washington State” for those simps who think the Columbia Valley is somewhere in South America.

Protip: this blend from a very warm vintage is worth buying a six-pack and letting it cellar quietly for a year to allow for full integration of its components. Do that and you will be rewarded with a seamless gem that will make your cheap date’s strapless dress drop without any effort. More euphoria than a handful of Oxycotton.

Tasted at 63-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Dark magenta in the Riedel with a soft bouquet of fluffy red fruits and blossoms. A slight sting on the palate, likely due to its early release. Long and smooth on length with flavors of raspberry, red plum, blueberry, cola nut, black pepper, licorice, dried bark, tanned leather, and menthol.

Alcohol: 14.9%. Hundreds of cases. Varietals: cabernet sauvignon, merlot, syrah, and sangiovese. Aged 15 months in French oak prior to blending. Winemaker: Gilles Nicault. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 90. Value: $25. Paid: $17. The 2017 standard for a ’90’-rated wine. Music pairing: “Euphoric” by The Stolen. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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