Smasne Cellars 2013 Upland Vineyard aligote

Researchers recently named a newly discovered invertebrate off Indonesia after Elton John. Those same researchers also followed up with naming another spineless crustacean that feeds off of the drowned souls of clueless wine drinkers after Greg P. Utt. The Oxford English Dictionary released their quarterly update on new words added to the lexicon. Believe it or not, “wine o’clock” is now an accepted word, defined as “the appropriate time of day to drink wine.” Isn’t that what “24/7” means? Being Oxford is based in jolly old England, it is no surprise that “Brexit” means the United Kingdom’s potential (or real) exit from the European Union. They did mis-define “Grexit” though. Their version means Greece’s exit from the EU. In Washington state, “Grexit” means yet another boo-hoo tally-ho from Paul Greg Guttless from yet another social media site. Did anyone else catch that the Guttless one was listed on Ashley Madison as a “female seeking older man with privileges in closed-list winery club”? The jackknob had the audacity to list his fetish as extorting winery assets in return for favorable reviews. The authorities also misinterpreted the new word, “butt dialing,” as “calling someone accidentally with your mobile phone in a rear pocket.” Butt dialing in Washington means Sean Sillyvain calling on wineries to donate their wines to him so he can take a serious picture of his fugly mug surrounded by all those open bottles of schlock. Then, there’s “manspreading”– referring to men who spread their legs wide open to ventilate their nards…. so wide open that they encroach on a neighboring bus or train seat. Manspreading here in the Northwest is an illusion amongst wine bloggers like W. Fake Gray who like to sit on a tasting room’s wine bar to air out his clitoris-sized nutsack while bellowing to anyone within earshot that he’s all that in wine blogging. One noticeable omission that didn’t make it this year: “pussy grove.” This term refers to the sudden influx of a bride’s wedding party invading an otherwise quiet tasting room. Winemakers also refer to this pestilence as “native yeast inoculation.”

Why the women hating lately? Well, my gf made me buy her a pair of Tory Burch boots recently. Yeah. Enuff said on that one. And all I got in return was a fake orgasm after I made her watch WWE Raw. fml.

Aligote is the bastard child of Burgundy’s white grapes. We all know chardonnay. It’s grown everywhere. As for aligote, it is commercially grown in only one plot here– Upland Vineyard. A few wineries tap the few acres to make a novelty bottling. And, when it comes to novelty wines, you can bet it will show up on Smasne’s big board of offerings. Some may think this is some sort of gimmick, but to real wine lovers, Bobby-O is doing a real service of marketing as wide a selection of grapes, further reinforcing the abandoned claim that Washington is “the perfect climate for wine”-grape growing. This is why it is so important to frequent the tasting rooms you have never heard of, because you never know when you will stumble into something that will rock your sensibilities. Real wine aficionados know every kinda wine out there.

The question here… is aligote worth the effort? Does it bring a unique profile that fits with the food grown here? When sampling this, some will be reminded of traversing the countryside in some Eastern bloc countries where aligote is more prominent these days. Too bad the Syrian refugees don’t have time to stop and taste the offerings on their way to Germany. The fact is this: it lacks the complexity of its sexier companion. That, and it is far easier for rednecks to chop up “chardonahay” than to say “allie-goat.” Aligote just lacks sophistication and marketing. It’s like dating Babs Winegal or Cyndy O. You’d wear some nice flannel for Cyndy as you both dine at T. Maccarone’s whereas you’d simply keep on the soiled overalls from pig wrasslin’ when you take Babs to a fine chicken dinner at Sonic Drive-In or a greasy burger at Zip’s. That’s the difference between chardonnay and aligote. In a nutshell.

Tasted at 52-58 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: lemony sunshine. Nose: round aromas of peach, citrus blossom, pink cotton candy. Mouthfeel: medium-bodied. Tail trail: 9 seconds. Flavors: crisp slices of ripe peach, nectarine, pear and orange extract.

Alcohol: 13.5%. Snipes Mountain AVA. Whole cluster pressed. Aged 8 months sur lie in both neutral and new French oak. 116 cases. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “Every Kinda People” by Robert Palmer. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Matthews Winery 2013 Columbia Valley sauvignon blanc

Meanwhile, in Florida the last 30 days…

A 24 year-old black woman lifted a glass dildo from a Vero Beach Spencer’s store (retail: $24.99) before getting apprehended in a nearby Aeropostale store. Before posting a $500 bond, she allegedly stated that she “did not think she was going to get caught.” Yeah, there are no security cameras in the adult section of a novelty store at a strip mall… Black lives matter. Heading west on Hwy. 60 to St. Petersburg, a 32 year-old black man was arrested for hocking a bracelet for $200 at a pawn shop that he stole from a friend’s home. This habitual jailbird was previously busted for illicit actions and appears incapable of co-existing in society so he earned his current stay behind bars with four felony counts and a $30,000 bond. Black lives matter. Down I-75 and we find ourselves in Sarasota, where a 44 year-old man was pleasuring himself while sitting in the sand as he watched an adult female and her female child head down to the water’s edge. When confronted by a cop who walked up behind him, the banana peeler admitted, “My girlfriend was out of town and I miss her.” Welp, he’ll surely get some after being locked up in county jail and facing a $250 bond. Florida lives matter. Finally, back up I-75 to Wildwood where a 33 year-old white woman did a hit-and-run before cops pulled her over and she subsequently failed field sobriety tests. Cut-and-dry DUI, right? No, kids, we are in Florida–land of pro-level herpderps. The woman insisted to the po-po that they should arrest her “best road trippin friend”… her Chihuahua. After posting $2500 bond, she will be answering to her charges of drunk driving, resisting arrest, and leaving the scene of the accident at her arraignment. No hints as to how she will play the “the dog did it” card… Florida–training ground for all future wine bloggers.

Here’s what is wrong when counties clash with the realities of progress– eight tasting rooms in the greater Woodinville area are facing fines and forced shutdowns because their tasting rooms sit on land zoned agricultural. The wineries affected are: Matthews, SilverLake, Cougar Crest Estate, Castillo de Feliciana, Patit Creek and Forgeron Cellars, Cave B, Winery Kitchen, and Cherry Valley.

Let’s think about it. The Seattle area continues to attract wealth and talent. Just one employer alone, Amazon, will be adding another 50,000 software developers in the next few years. These jobs pay a pretty dime. Hence, prices for homes close to downtown have shot up. That makes plots on the eastside more palatable to purchase. Open space is disappearing as a natural progression of prosperity. Farms have never been associated with wealth, at least the reasonably-sized ones. The farms in Woodinville city limits are not scenic, picturesque vistas. They look more like junkyards and weed conventions. They no longer have a place in Woodinville, at least where commerce is bustling. Isn’t it the responsibility of cities and counties to create a vibrant business environment, attract tourist dollars, and be associated with a high-class product? To keep up with the changing times? Do we really need to preserve the farms of Woodinville? Can you name one farm you purchased food from? It is time for the county to relent and realize that Woodinville is supported mainly by the wine industry. Wine dollars keep Woodinville operating and the eyeballs that visit the city still feel they are in a country setting. They don’t patronize farms. Get real. You want farms? Head north on Highway 9 for about 15 minutes. By popular demand, Woodinville and its immediate environs has morphed into a “Napa of the North.” Its the wineries that make going to Woodinville so much fun, not the farms.

As central Washington goes up in smoke, all that stink has finally blown west. The haze here is disgusting so I can imagine how people confuse Kennewick with Beijing.

What else is there to say about Matthews? Great place to party. Good wines. Arrogant pricing. Case in point is their sauvignon blanc line. $25 for a bottle with the 2014 vintage. Most wineries won’t step past the $20 line, regardless of quality. Only tourists and old white guys pay $25 for a sauvignon blanc, thinking they are getting a Rochioli. This is not Rochioli. It is well made and varietally correct without added bullshit. To comment on its “typicity” would be to admit this is a limp-wristed wine blog and that, we’re not. But, I digress.

This is a good $15 sauvignon blanc. Heady flavors of citrus and fruit flowers. What it lacks is persistence and evolution. That finesse and depth factors. It wants to be top shelf stuff but it isn’t. Nevertheless, drink it chilled with some fruits and cheeses and crackers and a buxom young vixen and it won’t matter. Do not cellar this more than a year. Great for this hot summer for the ages.

Tasted at 57-62 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: light straw. Aromas/flavors: grapefruit, lemon, orange rind, pear blossom, canned pineapple.

Alcohol: 14.5%. Vineyards: Stillwater Creek, Sagemoor. Harvested: late August, 2013. Fermented 22 days. 75% stainless and 25% concrete. Bottled Feb. 4, 2014. 546 cases. Stelvin cap. Released May, 2014. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “Smokin’” by Boston. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Sineann 2013 Columbia Valley cabernet sauvignon

Around 3am, a Marietta, TX man aimed his trusty .38 revolver at a clueless armadillo sniffing through his property and fired three shots at the unwitting critter only to have one of the bullets ricocheted back into his jaw. In Gadebusch, Germany, a 41 year-old bicyclist took a nasty bruise to her boobs after a boar hunter’s bullet rebounded off the meaty animal and hit the metal underwire of her bra, causing a minor bruise instead of a skin-piercing potentially fatal blow. Out in Woodinville, turnout for the Washington wines auction was underwhelming in part due to this blog advising against paying exorbitant amounts of hard-earned cash on good wines that can be had at area tasting rooms for a dime. And, lastly, what do you tell wineries when they send their crafted wines to lowly punkass reviewers and return with a sub-90 rating? Dude, your plans backfired…

In case you missed it, we had a memorable wine run in the warehouse district this past weekend where a couple of fatties actually fought each other as they headed to the finish line. There’s nothing like a good chick fight, and it was free to watch! I should have squirted some Lover’s Package oil on them. However, this plague of leotarded locusts with tits then overwhelmed the tasting rooms in the area, which really pissed me off. Is there anything worse than a group of bitches swarming your tasting room and are totally clueless on how good your wines are? They were just there to get swacked as they displayed their awesome 35-inch waists. There should be an ordinance against fugly, middle-aged white women wearing Spandex who don’t buy any wines at a tasting room after-party.

Word is out that Betz (Mafia) Family Winery is charging $130 for a bottle of cabernet. Holy crap! Is this a re-labeled Quilceda Creek shiner? If true, this would be a first for a Woodinville-area winery. I have to say Woodinville- AREA because the winery claims to be located in Redmond, WA. Well, correction be stated as DeLille Cellars has been offering their grossly overpriced Grand Ciel cabernet for about the last ten years now and each of those bottlings went well past an honest Franklin. This is what is wrong about Woodinville these days. Sure, Jim Koch (then CEO of Redhook) predicted Woodinville would be the “Napa of the North” but did he guess that also included these stupid prices for a bottle of wine?

A solid bottle of wine, white or red, should be priced in the $20-$60 range. Why would anyone not employed at Amazon, Microsoft, Google, Facebook, or Windermere want to spend more? Is it because of the name on the bottle? Heck, I will buy a 3 liter Black Box cabernet and put masking tape over it and write Chuckles Smith over it and sell it for a couple hundred. I mean, like seriously… are you buying the wine for its prestige or for the real quality under the cork? Are wine buyers that hungry for status that they lose all concept of reality and spend more after-tax cash on 750 milliliters of 85% water than an all-parks day pass to Disneyland? Wineries that engage in such pricing practices will pay the price with the next downturn in the economy. And, that day is coming, folks.

Speaking of the Chuckster… this jackknob epitomizes all that is wrong with today’s winemakers. This wine industry is still very much a close-knit enclave of overly generous individuals who believe when everyone is helping each other, and actually care about each other’s successes, that the wineries as a whole, will prosper. But no, we have frizzy fuckfaces enter the region with a cocky I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-you attitude after succeeding in selling off a childish label to Big Wine and now spreading, like a simian virus, the word that it’s everyone for him/herself. Playing the old “rockstar” persona just ain’t gonna fly here in Woodinville, which is why the silvery-haired old goat had to locate in soil-contaminated south Seattle. You can bet this eccentric will not be a fair player with the South Seattle Artisan Wineries group. You can also bet that when this goofball dies, no one will give a rip. Greed drives individuals more than community. Look for south Seattle to be the next Pottersville with this wank in town.

And, what’s up with this Washington Wine Month bullshit? What about the other eleven months? Like, we only sell Washington wines for 31 days out of the year? Don’t get me started…

Every now and then, a big box retailer of wine will offer a crazy deal on a well-hidden secret of a regional winery. Well, this ain’t one of them but still, for those wanting to expand their palate and take a calculated risk, low-end Sineann wines will not disappoint. This is good shade considering I don’t like Oregon wineries messing with Washington grapes. Oregon only knows pinot noir. And beer. Washington fucked itself by going all-in on IPAs. IPAs suck. IPAs are for poor college grunts looking to break into the real world. And for out-of-state Amazon nits who think they are entitled to be Seattle royalty. Hint: you’ll be working for someone else in a year or writing bullshit for Choad Enthusiast.

Tasted at 54-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. Clear dark magenta in the Riedel with dark, smoky fruit bubbling from the tulip. Full-bodied with medium residence on the palate, showing black fruits, black licorice, dried woody spices, brambleberry, and a soft violet finish.

Alcohol: 14.2%. Vineyards: Champoux, Phinny Hill, Canyons Red Mountain. Columbia Valley AVA. 675 cases. Stevin cap. Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 90. Value: $25. Retail: $30. Music pairing: “Backfired” by Debbie Harry. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Arbor Crest Wine Cellars 2013 Five Vineyards cabernet sauvignon

Apparently, we have new wine bloggers in our midst as Seattle was just nationally ranked number 7 amongst the rattiest metropolitan areas. Paul Ratsazelli of the Sodo district commented, “Indeed! The rat ranking definitely explains a lot, but doesn’t explain it all. Sometimes, these rats, er, wine bloggers tend to conglomerate around wine releases, uninviting themselves to free pours and unctuous food offerings. Sean Sillyvain of California Wine Report retorts, “Agreed! However, you should also mention that rats have a sharp sense of smell and are easy to train to write glowing reviews in exchange for free wine. Wait. I meant wine bloggers. Rats. Wine bloggers. Easy to confuse.” Lenny Poffo of Equine Wine Globe Merchants comments, “When a region adds more wineries, you attract the lowest form of wannabe writers. Look at Woodinville… you had Shona freeloading away in the warehouse district and she attracted another pest in Margot who attracted a bunch of tech twits who know absolutely nothing about wine yet think they can influence sales via social media. What morons!” And finally, Dave LeClunk was in his usual self-promotion mode, “Well, I think Totaled Wine is just the greatest bulk seller of wine. I just love Wilfredo Wong and his points. And I just… wait… I meant InBevMo? Who am I working for again?” While wine bloggers pack up for their big orgy in some remote wine outpost somewhere back east, I overheard a conversation amongst spouses (and Klingons) of wine bloggers talking about how certain wines improve the taste of sperm. There was Anny complaining about Sean’s jizz “tasting indescribably disgusting. I gagged and nearly barfed when he shot a teaspoonful between the hole in my front teeth. And that Jameson dude– I fed him cantaloupe hoping to improve his cockfizz. Nope. Still tasted like roadkill with bleach poured over it.” Babs added, “My Spanish boyfriend’s splooge tastes bad too. He likes overly oaked tempranillo and dried fish. I tried to coat his pecker with my yeast slime but it still smelled like a feral cat left a fishy hairball in my mother’s laundry room.” Well ladies, here’s your guide to getting the right amount of sweet plume on your man’s spunk. For you trailer park hos that enjoy boxed wines, pink zinfandel, or other bottom shelf dwellers, expect your man’s throat creem to have bitter undertones of crushed stinkbugs, beetle juice, and spider guts. That should be consistent with the dietary habits of said state-supported moochers living in a double-wide. For red wine drinkers, low-end (under $30)– stay away from heavily oaked wines is rule number 1. This should be easy as most of the wines in this price range lack extract of Lumber Liquidators. A sweet cabernet is a surprisingly good choice here. Go with light colors and fun labels. Wines in the $31-100 range is a minefield. Lots of heavy tannins and double-plus on barrel toast will make you man’s chowder taste like bleached charcoal. Avoid this zone. Not so coincidentally, this is the area where older men, high on Viagra, just cannot pull out in time so you women just have to deal with the stinky burn while sitting on the toilet. The best wines to pre-load your man’s load are white wines with a fair amount of residual sugar (between 1 and 5%). This stems from the anecdotal evidence from many other ladies of the night that insist pineapple juice and ripe berries make for sweet squirts from “ripe berries.” Look for unoaked chardonnay as the most ubiquitous choice in mini-marts, but think of other sub-$15 wines such as gewürztraminer, pinot gris, semillon, and sweet riesling. The thinking here is this: dickspit comprises over 95% water. Those little tadpoles of love only occupy about 2% volume and those little guys need a lot of fuel to swim upstream so that testicle cream also contains vitamin C and fructose sugar as a caloric source. It’s the trace minerals such as magnesium and zinc that give it a metallic bitterness while enzymes and other proteins give it that gluey consistency. My porn actress friend stated she prefers non-meat eaters (taste the irony?) and no vices, such as smoking, heavy alcohol, and processed food consumption. A clean lifestyle leads to a sweet climax on the sheets, so to say. And, feed your power driller the good stuff at least a few hours before he makes a deposit in your mouth bank. My research on young, willing nymphs has concluded that really fruit-forward Washington wines are the best at smoothing out a tart le-man cream filling. Look for a semillon-sauvignon blanc blend from Davenport Cellars; that sauvignon blanc from Guardian Cellars; a wicked chardonnay from Barrage Cellars; and two from Chateau Ste. Michelle– gewürztraminer and a cheap riesling. These wines will not break your wallet and the more your man cleans up and fortifies his junk spunk, the better the palatability going down. Arbor Crest Wine Cellars is fast becoming the iconic winery of Spokane, former home of the triple-A Indians. Having the same winemaker all these years breeds consistency and a familiar, predictable style of winemaking that is swelling the ranks of the faithful. Tasted at 55-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: magenta. Nose: faint raspberry and blackberry. Barely full-bodied with a moderate residence on the palate emanating flavors of Gifford Pinchot tinder, nettle, raspberry, and non-French oak. Alcohol: 13.8%. Columbia Valley AVA. Vineyards: Wahluke Slope (26%), Bacchus (25%), Dionysus (25%), Stillwater Creek (19%), and Klipsun (5%). 29th winery in the State (founded in 1982). Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 87. Value: $14. Music pairing: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Savage Grace Wines 2014 gruner veltliner

How can you not love Donald Trump for speaking his mind and representing all the non-ethnic CEOs of this great nation? I had the honor of interviewing this masterpiece of business eccentricity recently while on a brief walking tour of our porous, overly-hyped southern border with our narco neighbors and he shared some interesting views similar to what the boo-birds of Washington wine bloggers have been smoke-screening to oblivious wine drinkers.

WAwineman: “Mister Trump, have you been following the shenanigans of the local Washington wine bloggers? What is your take on Sean Sillyvain calling you a dummy for supporting the WAwineman blog because we speak the honest truth about Washington wines, as opposed to all the suckup winemakers who pay to play to get a two-point boost on Choad Enthusiast’s wine ratings?”
The Don: “Luke, let me tell you this… he is not an independent wine blogger. He’s a wine blogger because the local wine commission facilitates his free tastings. I like wine bloggers who pay for their wines and, thus, are free from bias.”

WAwineman: “Can you please clarify for the dicksucker smelliers and wine-wannabe realtors and hipster sockheads who think they know wines but ain’t got the guts to actually go to a winery, pay for the wines, then test them at a dinner setting?”
The Don: “Look here, if a wine blogger pays for her/his wines, then they are a hero as far as I’m concerned. I don’t like the Silly and Vain one because he simply is not taking care of our honest wine drinkers in Washington.”

WAwineman: “What do you think of Sean’s comments about you owing an apology to every unemployable halfwit Washington wine blogger for not being a big fan of Washington wines?”
The Don: “Tell those government-subsidized morons that they should be forced to take a wine IQ test before blogging any more on Washington wines. I love Washington wines! But the simple fact is this… I like a great wine with my dinners aboard my personal jet. Whether it’s a ’61 Latour or a ’05 Quilceda Creek, I don’t give horse’s ass. I want nothing less than a 100-point wine, preferably rated by you, because I’m worth it. To those who hype a shitty wine into a 91 or 92 point rating while your cheapass Twitter profile is a red strip resembling his period pad, I say ‘Stop fucking your followers. Amazon pays you a living wage so you can masturbate all night in your shoebox rental in Wallingford.'”

WAwineman: “Getting back to Washington wines… what do you think are the latest trends in the industry?”
The Don: “Well, you should know as you are one of my advisors. I will say this: the last three vintages are world-class. Even a moron like Dave Butthead can make a decent sangiovese now. The fact that Precept Wines is hot on the tail of Chateau Ste. Michelin can only be good for all the cheap wine drinkers in the state. Chardonnay is overrated and thus, is overpriced in Washington. You can’t grow decent pinot noir, yet the local wine commission continues its flak about being ‘the perfect climate for wine’. Wine drinking or wine grape growing? Idiots there. I’d fire them all. Your strength is cabernet sauvignon, not syrah. Don’t kid yourselves. Have you tagged a Washington syrah with the honorable WAwineman 100 point rating? No. However, I have had the pleasure of partaking in your 100 point cabernets and they are the real deal.”

WAwineman: “Any last words before you become our next president?”
The Don: “Tell your following that your blog is the only one to cut the bullshit out and tell it like it is. It’s simple… you have adversity in fucking idiot hipster winemakers like Trey and the entire Lake Chelan bozos as well as the faggots who run the Walla Walla Valley like ISIS. This is a good sign. And we all know Paul Gutless lives with the regret he never wrote a single column or rated a wine for Wine Spunktator. He gave up having kids just so he could spew bullshit on his buddy’s wines for some D-rated wine rag. He’s a loser, just like his cocksucking lover successor. Let’s hope Washington wine drinkers get on board and clear the glaucoma from reading all that crap.”

Off the record, I asked The Don about wine grape trends, specifically gruner veltliner. He said just because $15 an hour overgratiated waiters, aka smelliers, think the world about a wine does not make for a great tasting wine. If you have to ask about wines at a first-rate restaurant, then you deserve the overpriced dog piss you will be served. Crap like gruner veltliner is a fad. Hipsters love that shit but it is rarely grown in the United States for a very simple reason… it sucks.

Well… I wouldn’t exactly put it that way but Washington GV isn’t near the real thing from Austria. It tastes more like a low-priced German dry riesling with no age. This wine was tested with smoked salmon and fresh cuts of fish and, well, it left me wanting. An Oregon beer. A Washington sauvignon blanc. Anything else but this. It’s not bad, but it’s not all that.

Based on the back label, this wine (1) is elemental; (2)not fierce; (3) not bold; (4) not rugged but more ragged; (5) not old world– the grapes are grown in the new world so why fuck it up?; (6) not alluring; (7) not much elegant unless I dragged this to a shotgun wedding; (8) inviting if I had a group of brokeass smelliers at my doorstep; (9) not unique as neighbor WT Vintners has a version of this; and (10) not modern unless “different” in part of the definition.

On a separate note, my gf did comment that my “love potion” after drinking this did not taste as sweet as after I had a dessert wine. That got me thinking… do wines influence the palatability of a sperm river? A little research shows that… there is no research at all that considers what wines influence the sweetness of jizz. I asked my science cohort about this and he said that there is a fair amount of sugars in seamen that exists to provide an energy source for those virulent tadpoles of passion. However, the longer a man stores his love potion, the less sweet it tastes going down. I skipped the part where he showed pictures to prove this as I wanted to finish my glazed donut…

Savage Grace Wines is a partner effort that officially sprouted in 2011. Michael Savage continues to trog through the swamps of WSET to achieve that illusionary Master of Wine status while his wife works to pay the bills. Sound familiar? Yeah… all too familiar.

It must be extended family that keeps him in this area because this guy has a strong affinity for grapes grown in the cooler Columbia Gorge AVA area, which is quite smart but perhaps would be better suited to a Vancouver or Portland home base. Gas is cheap, I guess.

What the magic is with gruner is beyond me. It’s dry. It lacks complexity. It doesn’t pair well with fish. But somms like it because they can sell a shitload of it to old 401k goats eating herb-crusted lamb chops…

Tasted at 49-56 degrees on the IR temp gun. Bright soft gold in the Riedel with a mild acid bite and medium body on the palate. Think a dollop of mineral water with lemon wedge, apricot, white peach, fresh cut golf course in the early morning. Spark-free white wine.

Alcohol: 12.5%. Underwood Mountain Vineyard. Columbia Gorge AVA. Less than 100 cases. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 89. Value: $20. Music pairing: “Sparks” by Hillary Duff. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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JM Cellars 2013 Klipsun Vineyards sauvignon blanc

How about that?

Fourteen fat-fucks associated with the hierarchy in soccer’s world governing body, FIFA, were indicted by the United States for “rampant, systemic, and deep-rooted” corruption. Charges include taking over a hundred million dollars in bribes in exchange for votes as to where the next World Cup will be held. Evidence includes witnesses and video footage of the real exchange of money for favors. Apparently, this grotesque form on “pay to play” has been in play for a couple of generations. Word of caution to all the wine reviewing fuckfaces of the rags like Wine Spectator, Wine Advocate, and the lesser pubs like Wine Enthusiast and Food and Wine: baby, all that free wine you extorted from desperate wineries ain’t gonna pay for your bail. Count this blog in as to who filed a complaint with the Department of Justice against these unscrupulous rags.

As for another sign of the coming Armageddon, a Seattle cop killer who is currently playing the mentally insane card was described by prosecutors as “not normal but not insane” after being asked by the judge what similarities the defendant had compared to local wine bloggers.

The multi-generation unwashed armpit of Seattle, aka Central District, is now projected to be less than 10% (by 2024) of the root cause as more Asians and Latinos gentrify the centrally located inner-city zone known for drive-by killings, muggings, and gang-related sorties. Of course, that filthy, putrid trash of a ghetto population has to move somewhere, and generally, that move is southbound so expect more violence to overrun the quiet communities of Skyway, Tukwila, Renton, and Kent. That’s what happens when all you can afford is fortified wines wrapped in a brown bag. Hey, at least it’s environmentally friendly!

Of course, morally vacuumed dimwits are not limited by color. Soon-to-be former State Auditor Troy Kelly has to deal with a new accusation that he used stolen funds to pay for his defense of tax evasion. Whether it’s blue-collar, white-collar, or a fat-lipped orange-jumper, a crime is a crime and the bill comes due for these swindlers.

Your phone is a computer so, yes Martha, it can crash like one, also. Android users have long known of its vulnerability to viruses, worms, and other malware which can hijack a users control and steal personal information. Well, that also includes, albeit to a much lesser extent, iPhone users as it was recently revealed that a nonsensical string of Arabic characters in a message can cause the iOS to crash. A belated welcome to the wired world for those who thought these problems would never affect them. so naïve.

Back to Stupid Seattle News…

Some numbnut with nothing to do over the weekend decided to jack an Ezell’s Express food truck from a Kent storage facility then stripping the insides of $100,000 worth of fryers and refrigerators before abandoning it under the Spokane Street Bridge where it was found on Tuesday morning. Like yeah, how are you gonna sell or use that equipment without getting snitched on? And, to top that, a car thief in Ballard, aka New Florida, smashed and grabbed a pair of sunglasses from a couple’s gas-powered horse, thinking he made off with some easy cash. But, in typical hoodlum intelligence, he didn’t bother with the lottery ticket that was resting under those same sunglasses. That lottery ticket turned out to be worth $1 million that the couple later verified.

It’s been busy here at world headquarters lately with several kickball teams headed for the playoffs. We know many of you readers are sad to not get your weekly fix of real wine reviews from reviewers who know their shit about wines and are not afraid to throw a right hook to anyone who disputes this fact, but… it is what it is. This has been an unusually busy year with the change in strategy of the mother ship that pays our bills so hang in there, Joan, we are workin’ our asses off but we be whistlin’ like sistahs!

JM Cellars has been off the radar, so to speak, on many wine blogger’s radars simply because they despise these cheesy halfwits who write with the artistic skill of a doofus. Not much has changed with this winery, other than the addition of the estate Margaret’s Vineyard at SeVein. Yes, parking is still at a premium at their reclusive winery and their wines are still very difficult to find; however, they are producing more wine so that means, if you’re a professional wine sleuth, you can acquire a rare bottle at specific outlets and at specific times of the year.

We are fortunate enough to have yet another early summer here in the Seattle area so that means popping a lot of white wines at 5:31pm. The rose wines have been meh so thankfully, we have a better option in the releases of sauvignon blancs. While other white wines have been questionable in their quality over the 2012-14 warm stretch vintages (with ’15 expected to be warmer), the sauv blancs have been consistent with muscle-y melon, citrus, and tropical fruit flavors. I mean, what more can you expect out of a sauv blanc up here? The gravelly, mineral flavors have always played a foundation role but why would anyone expect any less? Lesser sauv blancs fall prey to a winemaker’s apathy. Overcropped yields, mal-judicious use of oak, and/or neglect of acid management conveniently leads to a flappy lemon drop of a wine. Thankfully, and this is never a given, Woodinville is endowed with winemakers that give a rip when it comes to producing the state’s best sauvignon blancs. And yes, I’m talking about all those faceless, blended sauvignon blancs made east of the Cascades.

It is no secret that a sauvignon blanc made by a Woodinville winery has been owning the annual white wine awards here on this blog. It’s good shit, mon. So, to be fair, we have sent scouts out to find every other worthy sauvignon blanc made in the area that should be considered for pertinence. JM Cellars has always been known for quality so we did our due diligence and found its offspring playing happily in a wooden bin at a discount merchandiser. And, this is what we found…

Tasted at 53-59 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: illuminescent light gold. Nose: cantaloupe, melon, pitcher lemon. Mouthfeel: medium-weight. Tail trail: 8 seconds. Flavors: apple, melon, grapefruit, white gravel, tropics, crisp acids on opening. A great pairing with Vietnamese appetizers. Now, some lunkhead senior wine writer claimed “toast” from a “barrel” but this wine never saw the inside of any barrel. Good going, Greg P. Utt– you dumbass. The attorney general wants to have a word with you, but she’s afraid you’re too damn ugly to approach and might get infected with all those wrinkles you gots.

Alcohol: 14.2%. 5% semillon. Red Mountain AVA. Fermented in 100% stainless steel. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Choad Enthusiast rated this a ’91’ so you know what this got from this blog. This wine was featured in a recent pit dance party inside Kirkland city limits and all hell broke loose by the end of the night. So, drink at your own risk of revealing your hidden organs. Just sayin’. Value: $20. Paid: $20. Music pairing: “Whistle” by Katy Tiz. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Guardian Cellars 2014 Angel sauvignon blanc

Another cash money night, thank you Mayweather!!! Good guys finish last.

Welcome to the 1970’s issue!

Here’s a first world problem that some of you out there understand.

If you’re like me, you do a fair amount of traveling for your j.o.b. You negotiate deals from a distance then fly over to seal the deal and make the company sustainable for years to come. You call the shuttle service so often, they recognize your voice and the driver knows how many bags to expect for that 5am pickup. You roll through check-in then drag your designer spinner carry-on over to the caterpillar line at Starbucks to fuel up for the long flight then grab a paper and an impulse-buy gossip mag just for kicks then settle in to a strategically-placed seat near the gate door. After a few priority levels, your status “club” is called and you make that solemn trek through the tunnel to the jet and rubberneck your way to your seat. All belted in, you grab the airline magazine and curiously wander its pages. Then, it hits you…

Who the fuck reads this shit? Like I really want to get in early on that flamingo-colored Miami beach club condo. And what of those horrendously gemmed-up rings from some French-sounding designer? Nope. And I’ll pass on that black-and-white wingback chair that’s tall enough to seat Lurch. And, yeah, I know all about the steaks at Metropolitan Grill and John Howie.

But, the worst of these white-peeps problems are the asinine ads for hooking up with other busy deadbeats in my world. Single? Check. Successful? Since birth. Selective? We talkin’ about breast size? Simply too busy? I wrote the book on unproductivity– heck, this blog proves that. Then, the eyes drovel down to this photoshopped picture of a middle-aged blonde with the Botox’d eyes and perky boob job as she sucks in her gut for the camera. Like, uh, no. Holy crap, batman? This bitch has fifteen, FIFTEEN!, offices in the country and one in jolly ol’ England. Um yeah, I ain’t about to shell out for a $10,000 nookie run and surgical piece of art.

Whaddya ya know… a few pages later, there’s a full page ad for visiting Beaver Creek. Yeah. Been there. Too many times. Some with full bush. Some clear-cut. Some with low hanging meat hooks, some with a look that made me wonder, “Is this considered statutory?” This, followed by a “Date Smarter” full page ad proclaiming matchmaking through a lunch date. No, I’m not interested in meeting a nearly eyebrowless blonde who graduated from Huskyville to be a sales agent for Big Pharma. A few more pages down, and yet another matchmaking service where another Barbie promotes finders keepers. This smells of legalized escort services and makes me wonder if the balding dude next to me is a presage to my own decline.

Then, hey, flip the page and baldy over there can be cured via robotic technology with hair transplants. That’s just wonderful. I can imagine the day when HAL 9000 is assigned to my bare melon and short circuits when its computers realize I have no pubes to harvest from, thus igniting my oiled scalp and leading to fourth degree burns.

But hey, the inside back cover provides the remedy as I can contact some big time lawyers and settle out-of-court and all’s well that ends well.

Where’s my neck pillow?

Okay, cocks and chicks, it’s Quiz Time!

The category is… 70’s detectives tv shows. With a little assistance from a neighboring tasting room gimp, see if you can stump the wineman for a great bottle of wine! As always, no cheating via the internet or any other reference tool. Pull it straight from your noggin’. You have three minutes (about 5 seconds per question). Your time begins… NOW!

One standard bottle:
1. Telly Savalas played detective Kojak. What was Kojak’s first name?
2. Barnaby Jones was played by the same actor who starred in The Wizard Of Oz. What character did he play in that movie?
3. Robert Blake portrayed Tony Baretta. What famous singer belted the theme song for the show?
4. Raymond Burr was Robert Ironside. What was his character’s middle initial?
5. James Garner was the main actor for The Rockford Files. What was his character’s first name?
6. New York City was the setting, Hal Linden was the lead actor. Name the show.
7. Pepper Anderson was the main character. Who played the character and name the tv show.
8. Columbo was one of the longest running tv detective series covered by one actor as the lead. Who played the lead character?

One magnum:
1. David Janssen played Harry O in the series. The “O” stood for?
2. What was the name of The Streets of San Francisco lead detective played by Karl Malden?
3. “Hondo” was the nickname of the lead character for this white-hot but short-lived series. Name the series, the full name of the character, and the actor.
4. Erik Estrada was one of the lead cops for this show. Name the show, his character’s full name, and nickname.
5. Who played Starsky and who played Hutch?
6. Rock Hudson was the lead actor in McMillan & Wife. What was McMillan’s first name?
7. Darren McGavin starred in The Night Stalker. What was his character’s name?
8. Who played Frank Cannon?

One jeroboam:
1. New York City, Los Angeles, and this other city were the most frequent settings for 70’s detective shows. Name the city and at least three tv detective shows based in that city.
2. Who played Joe Mannix?
3. Dennis Weaver got the lead role as Sam for this tv detective show. Name the show.
4. George Peppard was the freewheeling lead for this ephemeral detective show. Name the show and the city it was set in.

A case of single-vineyard cabernet:
1. Pete, Julie, and “Linc” were undercover cops for this groundbreaking counterculture detective series. Name the tv show.

And for you pussies who are going WTF?, here are some brainless ones you can get even if you clicked through TV Land on the way to Playboy Channel. For a piccolo:
1. Jack Lord’s character name and the tv series.
2. Jaime Sommers. Real name or character? A question with bionic implications…
3. Lee Majors. Male or female?
4. Name the original three actresses of Charlie’s Angels.
5. Who played John Shaft?
6. Speaking of Charlie’s Angels, what were the first names of those original three characters?

DOUBLE OR NOTHING
70’s trivia (non-detective):
1. The original “pilot” show for Happy Days (before it was named Happy Days) was shown on this eclectic dramedy tv series. Name this iconic 70’s tv show.

NO PARTIAL CREDITS!!!
Comment your answers if you’re honest and got the guts to admit it. I don’t want to know if you cheated and neither does anyone else. Don’t ruin the fun. International readers get a few mulligans.

It’s Taco Sunday in the warehouse district and the official release of this blog’s unanimous vote for best white wine lineage. You hear that? Best. White. Wine. Lineage. Not “one of the best.” Not a one-hit wonder. And, it is coming-out day today. If I see your ass stealing my tacos in the parking lot, I will actually forgive you because of this wine. Just don’t thief my wine. And yes, you can hand in your answers while I chow down on some hot nasty double-wraps.

A great pairing with vermicelli noodles, fish sauce, lemongrass beef, and julienned veggies. Thank you, Nguyen sisters!

Tasted at 53-60 degrees on the IR temp gun. Smiling light gold in the Riedel and pushing scents of grapefruit, lemon crème, red apple, and citrus rind. Dense and full on the palate with a deep reserve of flavors true to the aromas plus mandarin orange and more pink grapefruit. Pleasant mid-palate lift. Pairs well with lighter-colored, healthy faire. A best friend to common vegetables, light herbs, white meats, mild dairy, and non-bizarre ethnic foods like fish tacos. Hard to calculate what this wine doesn’t pair well with.

Alcohol: 14.0%. Klipsun Vineyard. Red Mountain AVA. The usual Reiner regimen (see past reviews) for vinification. 525 cases. Expect to sellout by Independence Day so get yours now. Buy one to open tonight, and buy one more to open in three years. There’s a reason for the new French oak massage. Power: 3/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 92. Value: $30. Paid: $20. Music pairing: “Whodunit” by Tavares. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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