Ashan Cellars 2013 Columbia Valley chardonnay

A lot of strange quotes from local social media bloggers lately. Must be the change in seasons…

After looking at her extra fat face on a Twitter post–
Chris: “Are you pregnant?”
Shona: “Um no.”

A sign in the bathroom at Kealla Winery’s tasting room:
“Enter as strangers, leave as friends”

Sean posted a selfie with his eyes closed–
“My face when I’m moaning and thinking about Paul. #pleasure”

MarGot posting a selfie on Instagram:
“Love my hair today. Hate why I’m dressed up. #funeral”

Then, there’s Paul Gutless who took out a billboard on Wallingford Ave. N:
“All I Want For Christmas Is A 40-Something College Dropout Whitey From Boston Who Thinks He Knows Wine.”

Been a crazy two weeks with a recent visit by the leader of a one-party nation that suppresses free speech. Then came the announcement that my homeboy, Yogi Berra, passed away. If you don’t know who he was, just remember him as the greatest catcher in baseball ever to play the game. If your favorite catcher is Johnny Bench, Mike Piazza, Jason Varitek, or Ivan Rodriguez… you don’t know baseball, dood. Millenials may know the man for his Yogi-isms, but then again, millenials are also into buying 400 sq. ft. “homes” in the city for $200,000+. My ex-gf’s twat was larger than that (and just as expensive).

Heard around Woodinville: Lou Facelli of his own winery is retiring. He is selling his remaining stock as well as his operations and will retire to a pastural villa near Tuscany. Salute, Louie!

Also, word’s out that Betz’s $135 cabernet sold out so completely that no one was able to score a tasting at the recent release party. But, don’t worry, readers… this blog is in negotiations to acquire a bottle from a source of unknown provenance. Stay tuned. The question to you is… review this now or when the winery says the wine has hit it’s peak drinking window?

What is going on with the “new” Columbia Winery lately? The tasting fee costs more than half of the old lineup of full wine bottles. The patrons are mostly tourists who have no clue what a great wine tastes like, and there’s live music down in the barrel room. And, the prices of the wines are on par with the better local wineries. What gives? A recent tasting showed that the wines are still the same old ten-dollar mehs. Is it sentimental to suggest that we miss the old Chateau-Columbia rivalry? Looks like the Chat outlasted its rival on this one. Oh Chat…

Ashan Cellars sells a trio of single-vineyard chardonnays at $45. Keep your comments to yourself but we all know… This one’s done in stainless with a Stelvin cap and can be found under $15 at finer wine stores in the area. Why winemakers want to embrace California-priced chardonnay here is beyond any reasonable wine consumer’s sensibilities. Maybe they’re bored with making great reds? Maybe they’re showing up all those Napa Valley tourists. Or maybe, we have an ego problem of inferiority. Who cares? If nutjobs want to part with $500 for one bottle of cabernet, then let them. Those who think California wines are the end-all likely sport two-inch pricks and store kiddie porn on their tower pc’s.

Delightful with Ezell’s original fried chicken.

Tasted at 58-61 degrees on the IR temp gun. Bright light straw with a full-bodied spectrum of zesty, spiny, and glowing fruit. Grapefruit, pear, banana, apple, orange zest, minerally bubbles, and quiet lemon.

Alcohol: 13.5%. Hundreds of cases. Perfect for the summer days and autumn evenings. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 89. Value: $20. Music pairing: “Macho Man” by Village People. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Smasne Cellars 2010 carmenere

Aspiring wine blogger-to-be Steve Rannazzisi got called out for his lie after boasting that he narrowly escaped the World Trade Center on 9/11/01. He went from 2009’s “I was there and then the first tower got hit…” to 2015’s “I was not at the Trade Center that day.” Typical wine blogger retraction ala Paul Gutless and Sean Sillyvain after you buy a wine based on their bullshit descriptions and discover the wine has none of the characteristics. Speaking of the raisin’d Gutless one… French scientists discovered that a 30,000 year-old virus found deep in Choad Enthusiast’s writing department was still able to boodle dumbass wine readers into buying wines that some conglomerate paid for. But, just remember this–when wineries come a knockin’ to wine bloggers like the previously mentioned, they are asked to “wet my beak,” which some informed insiders think is a request to suck their shriveled 2-inch pricks. They are later told that it really meant they wanted monetary considerations so they can pay off last month’s rent and utilities. Sadly, we end on this note of hope that Chile will quickly heal after an 8.3’er hit the capital and generated a tsunami. No other wine blogger gives a f*ck as they’re too busy retweeting each other’s pussystrokes.

I’ve seen some pretty damn awful questions asked of winemakers at release parties. Where do these nutless wonders crawl out of and why, oh why, would these silicone-stuffed willies get up the nerve to even ask these??
(1) “Where in the world do your favorite wines originate?” Oh. My. F*cking. Gawd. If the winemaker responds with anyplace other than where his/her wines came from, this fool does not deserve a shitty penny from the consumer. Are you kidding me??? You are asking a winemaker to endorse another winemaker’s wine above his/hers! What a dumbass if anyone falls for that.
(2) “What is your best wine of this vintage?” Hey, look… don’t even bother asking retarded questions like that. Every wine a winemaker creates is like his/her child. You’re basically asking a “parent” which of his/her children is the best. Do the world a favor and crawl back up between your unwed momma’s legs…
(3) “What’s the hardest part of your job?” Easy… talking to numbnuts like you and doing it with a smile.
(4) “What types of varietals are grown at this winery?” Well, since you were too clueless to visit our website and/or notice that our winery sits in a warehouse district…
(5) “What awards and ratings have you received for your wines?” Omg… a score chaser. A status freak. A short-term clubber. The responsible answer would be to explain that practically ALL wine awards depend on donated wines (read: free wines, and also throw in that the only responsible wine awards is the Woodinville Wine Honors due to this fact) that broke restaurant wine servers judge as a way to “pay back” those wineries who greased their palms (or in Paul’s and Sean’s demands… jizzed their palms). Ratings are purely arbitrary–there is no established guideline in rating wines, whether some prune’s 20-point or 100-point “system,” it is purely arbitrary and susceptible to individual bottle variation, so say some desperate winemakers and free-wine shlocking wine bloggers.
(6) “What characteristics can we expect from this year’s crop?” This facepalm is brought to you by wannabe wine aficionados. How the f*ck does anyone know that? Nary is the winemaker that will say, “My wine’s gunna suck this year because of the all the wildfires and lack of rain and I forgot to remove the snakes and stinkbugs from the sorting table and I thought the stems and leaves would add an interesting component this year and…” Dude, we’re winemakers, not swamis.

Here’s how to deal with winemakers–

(1) Look presentable. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth. Wear nice clothes. Look like you made an effort to be attractive, not an eyesore.
(2) Act like a friend. Smile. Say hi. If you are packing boobs, show some tasty cleavage. Look ’em in the eyes and say something nice about the wine you’re sipping.
(3) Always be positive! Take it from this trial when I was choking down some ripasso’d sangiovese that tasted like spent nuclear fuel. “I bet Union Carbide would love a sample of this.”
(4) First, ask about the wine. What varietals? What vineyards (if not mentioned on the label)? Why did you decide on this final composition (if a blend)? How did you come up with the label design?
(5) Then go deep and ask about the winemaker. What were you doing before you got into wine? Why did you get into winemaking (Don’t you know it pays crap but you get laid a lot!)? Why did you choose your winemaking style? How long is your penis? Okay, don’t ask that last one…
(6) And the clincher if you REALLY like the wines… “How do I join your wine club?” Do this and I guarantee you, GUARANTEE YOU!, that the winemaker will know who you are after your meeting. That is, unless the winery has a thousand-plus other local clubbers already in.

Here’s what to do with the results you get.
(1) The winemaker is your new bff. Sign up for the club. Don’t leave the area without a couple bottles.
(2) The winemaker gives cardboard answers like there’s some truth missing. Hey, enjoy the free wines and food then go on your merry way.
(3) The winemaker is a douchebag deluxe. Get double pours from each station, eat all the appetizers like the buffet’s prematurely closing, then take home the Riedel stem. It’s better than lifting a stiff middle finger!

Bonus points if you notice the other clubbers there and figure out if this is your wine cave.

Bottom line is, this is Socializing 101. Don’t be popping your zits or digging for gold at the wine counter. Be chatty. Everyone around you has either a glass of wine or a DD-status (designated driver). They’re all happy. Get infected. You feel happy but you’re not smiling? Hey, notify your face and get with the program, pronto. No Debbie Downers at a wine party. If this ain’t your style, then don’t go until you’re ready. Simple as that.

Tasted at 59-65 degrees on the IR temp gun. Dark magenta-garnet in the Riedel with aromas of black pepper, bell pepper, and blackberry crème. Full-bodied with a lengthy residence showing those peppers, black fruits, gritty charred earth, and cherry liqueur.

Alcohol: 13.9%. Horse Heaven Hills AVA. 192 cases (bottle 900 of 2304). First vintage 2008. Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5 Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 89. Retail: $36. Music pairing: “Style” by Taylor Swift. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated, but not uncouth.

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JM Cellars 2012 Margaret’s Vineyard Estate Red wine

Seattle District teachers will be striking on Wednesday because they are asking for a 21% raise over the next three years. Warning to said teachers: don’t expect much sympathy from the population. You already got a 30-minute recess (read: “break”) from the entitled brats, and an entire summer off with pay… take the 11% the district is offering and git yer asses back in the classroom. Hey, what the f*ck was that debacle at Martin Stadium on Saturday? So, when does Cougar basketball start? Leave it to a fellow black man, Damon Wayans, to defend Bill Cosby by calling those women he took advantage of as “unrapeable.” I looked that word up in the dictionary and it defined “unrapeable” as Paul Gwine’s fat ugly ass with nipple rings. And how’s this for “professional journalism”– the lemon party president begged his crony followers to help him research a winery in Walla Walla that he never heard of. Guess it’s just too damn difficult to drive over and do some boots-on-the-ground investigation because he’s hosting a lemon party reunion with his former Choad Enthusiast cocksuckers. Then there was poor Sean at Bumbershoot trying to give away free pours of cheap wines he hocks for the D-listed wine rag. 80,000 hipsters passed through the gates yet he couldn’t finish depleting a case of donated shlock. He did better in past years when he teamed up with Barb Winegal, who flashed her gams whenever she was asked to give “expert” commentary. Finally, in case you think wine blogging has improved in the Northwest, look no further than the still-around horrific, in-the-fold posts from self-proclaimed “I’m not a wine blogger but I do state I am one on my Twitter profile” bozos in Shona and MarGot. S.o.s. … same old shit from these wrinkled bags of wine moochers.

What drives customers to not only get in the tasting room, but actually BUY wine instead of paying off a dinky tasting fee?

Hell, if I had that answer, I’d be a marketing genius but usually, the first method is to get them to the neighborhood. A strategically placed sandwich board that stands out helps. Also, being friendly with your winery neighbors is a BIG plus. So often, I hear the question of “Where should I go next?” or “Who makes a great (insert wine)?” and I direct them to that tasting room.

What influences my recommendations? Obviously, the wines have to be good– at least the ones people are looking for. Secondly, having a history or lineage also helps. This information can be gleaned off a well-designed website or by knowledgeable wine reps. Which then leads to– is the winemaker personable or at the staff that’s pouring. Thankfully, I’ve never had a bad experience at a warehouse tasting room yet and I’ve been through all of them multiple times. They all want your business and will step out of their comfort zone to get that sale or favorable impression. The older tenants tend to be more relaxed than the newbies. So, if a winemaker can relate well to his/her customers quickly, stay positive, and smile a lot, you can bet that tasting room will be high on my recommended list. But again, the wines have to deliver. No sense having a friendly winemaker who makes piss-poor wines… and there are a handful of those still around. Also, the tasting room should be accommodating for sampling wines. Just because I’m in a warehouse doesn’t mean I have to look at concrete walls and pipes and cords in the open ceiling. And yes, there are sippers out there who abhor being present in such an environment as they are only accompanying a friend who dragged them. That’s when décor becomes a higher priority and I will recommend them to pay a visit to places like Pondera Winery or Refuge & Prospect. There’s enough variety now in the warehouse district for everyone to enjoy at least one winery.

Back to the question… a good tasting room fella should always smile and genuinely be inquisitive into asking a patron how their tasting went, then emphasize on the positives. Roll with the positive vibe to make them feel in control then do the one thing that separates the pro from the rookie–lead them to the sale. “So, you want a bottle or a case of that (insert favored wine)?” Once you lock in the sale, throw in discounts! People love discounts! That’s the perfect time to mention the wine club. If not that, then mention the bulk discount– like 10% off a case or tease them with a half-case discount. Analyze your customer! Is he/she on the fence to purchasing multiple bottles? Incentive-ize them with a custom discount and compliment them if they were the kind of customer your tasting room wants a whole lot more of. I can tell a lot about a winery just from their wine club. An un-advertised 10% off a half-case does not hurt the bottom line and you will get more back in good word-of-mouth. With all these social media sites like Yelp, Twitter and Instagram doing instant reporting, you will earn free recognition that slowly builds up into mouths at the counter.

For the tasting room volunteers, it is important to blanket any personal beliefs. Dealing with a high-maintenance snoot with the alternate lifestyle? Clamp down and serve the bitch. Your victory will be in taking their money. It’s a business and the most profitable businesses are blind to aberrant behavior. You are a server, so serve your customer. Of course, there is a line that is drawn but that is very rarely crossed (see inebriated or abusive derps). You may not know anything about the wines but don’t lie about it. Just say you don’t know and that you can find that information, but always do it with a smile. As a customer, I’d rather deal with a clueless college student who smiles than a WSET level 44 know-it-all who lectures me on soil types and vine spacing. Never show off how much you know that’s more than what your customer knows. It’s plain annoying.

Why this remedial course in tasting room etiquette? Simple. There are lots of new faces pouring wine and they’re getting younger every year. Some kids have no idea where the Red Mountain AVA is or how big the Columbia Valley AVA is. They never heard of carmenere or aligote. They surely have no clue about vintage variation or why single vineyard wines cost more than multi-vineyard ones. I swear, there a few kids who look like they haven’t even taken their SATs. This is their introduction to both the wine and service industry so it is important they know the basics to at least start an intelligent conversation about the wonderful wines of Washington. If you see a greenhorn, welcome them and have fun trading what they know and how they like doing what their doing. Chances are, they already have some entertaining stories of previous customers that will make you laugh. And, that’s what the wine experience should be.

Tasted at 58-70 degrees on the IR temp gun. Black garnet in the Riedel and full throttle on the palate with blackberry, black raspberry, dried bark, black olive, tumbleweeds, and bitter chocolate swinging around the tastebuds.

Alcohol: 14.9% (website 15.3%). Vineyard planted in 2007 at elevation 1300 ft. 50% cabernet sauvignon, 25% merlot, 10% cab franc, 10% malbec, 5% petit verdot. Aged 22 months in French oak (75% new, 25% once used). Walla Walla Valley AVA. 452 cases. Power: 3/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 91. Retail: $42. Music pairing: “Peggy Sue” by Buddy Holly. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Smasne Cellars 2013 Upland Vineyard aligote

Researchers recently named a newly discovered invertebrate off Indonesia after Elton John. Those same researchers also followed up with naming another spineless crustacean that feeds off of the drowned souls of clueless wine drinkers after Greg P. Utt. The Oxford English Dictionary released their quarterly update on new words added to the lexicon. Believe it or not, “wine o’clock” is now an accepted word, defined as “the appropriate time of day to drink wine.” Isn’t that what “24/7” means? Being Oxford is based in jolly old England, it is no surprise that “Brexit” means the United Kingdom’s potential (or real) exit from the European Union. They did mis-define “Grexit” though. Their version means Greece’s exit from the EU. In Washington state, “Grexit” means yet another boo-hoo tally-ho from Paul Greg Guttless from yet another social media site. Did anyone else catch that the Guttless one was listed on Ashley Madison as a “female seeking older man with privileges in closed-list winery club”? The jackknob had the audacity to list his fetish as extorting winery assets in return for favorable reviews. The authorities also misinterpreted the new word, “butt dialing,” as “calling someone accidentally with your mobile phone in a rear pocket.” Butt dialing in Washington means Sean Sillyvain calling on wineries to donate their wines to him so he can take a serious picture of his fugly mug surrounded by all those open bottles of schlock. Then, there’s “manspreading”– referring to men who spread their legs wide open to ventilate their nards…. so wide open that they encroach on a neighboring bus or train seat. Manspreading here in the Northwest is an illusion amongst wine bloggers like W. Fake Gray who like to sit on a tasting room’s wine bar to air out his clitoris-sized nutsack while bellowing to anyone within earshot that he’s all that in wine blogging. One noticeable omission that didn’t make it this year: “pussy grove.” This term refers to the sudden influx of a bride’s wedding party invading an otherwise quiet tasting room. Winemakers also refer to this pestilence as “native yeast inoculation.”

Why the women hating lately? Well, my gf made me buy her a pair of Tory Burch boots recently. Yeah. Enuff said on that one. And all I got in return was a fake orgasm after I made her watch WWE Raw. fml.

Aligote is the bastard child of Burgundy’s white grapes. We all know chardonnay. It’s grown everywhere. As for aligote, it is commercially grown in only one plot here– Upland Vineyard. A few wineries tap the few acres to make a novelty bottling. And, when it comes to novelty wines, you can bet it will show up on Smasne’s big board of offerings. Some may think this is some sort of gimmick, but to real wine lovers, Bobby-O is doing a real service of marketing as wide a selection of grapes, further reinforcing the abandoned claim that Washington is “the perfect climate for wine”-grape growing. This is why it is so important to frequent the tasting rooms you have never heard of, because you never know when you will stumble into something that will rock your sensibilities. Real wine aficionados know every kinda wine out there.

The question here… is aligote worth the effort? Does it bring a unique profile that fits with the food grown here? When sampling this, some will be reminded of traversing the countryside in some Eastern bloc countries where aligote is more prominent these days. Too bad the Syrian refugees don’t have time to stop and taste the offerings on their way to Germany. The fact is this: it lacks the complexity of its sexier companion. That, and it is far easier for rednecks to chop up “chardonahay” than to say “allie-goat.” Aligote just lacks sophistication and marketing. It’s like dating Babs Winegal or Cyndy O. You’d wear some nice flannel for Cyndy as you both dine at T. Maccarone’s whereas you’d simply keep on the soiled overalls from pig wrasslin’ when you take Babs to a fine chicken dinner at Sonic Drive-In or a greasy burger at Zip’s. That’s the difference between chardonnay and aligote. In a nutshell.

Tasted at 52-58 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: lemony sunshine. Nose: round aromas of peach, citrus blossom, pink cotton candy. Mouthfeel: medium-bodied. Tail trail: 9 seconds. Flavors: crisp slices of ripe peach, nectarine, pear and orange extract.

Alcohol: 13.5%. Snipes Mountain AVA. Whole cluster pressed. Aged 8 months sur lie in both neutral and new French oak. 116 cases. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “Every Kinda People” by Robert Palmer. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Matthews Winery 2013 Columbia Valley sauvignon blanc

Meanwhile, in Florida the last 30 days…

A 24 year-old black woman lifted a glass dildo from a Vero Beach Spencer’s store (retail: $24.99) before getting apprehended in a nearby Aeropostale store. Before posting a $500 bond, she allegedly stated that she “did not think she was going to get caught.” Yeah, there are no security cameras in the adult section of a novelty store at a strip mall… Black lives matter. Heading west on Hwy. 60 to St. Petersburg, a 32 year-old black man was arrested for hocking a bracelet for $200 at a pawn shop that he stole from a friend’s home. This habitual jailbird was previously busted for illicit actions and appears incapable of co-existing in society so he earned his current stay behind bars with four felony counts and a $30,000 bond. Black lives matter. Down I-75 and we find ourselves in Sarasota, where a 44 year-old man was pleasuring himself while sitting in the sand as he watched an adult female and her female child head down to the water’s edge. When confronted by a cop who walked up behind him, the banana peeler admitted, “My girlfriend was out of town and I miss her.” Welp, he’ll surely get some after being locked up in county jail and facing a $250 bond. Florida lives matter. Finally, back up I-75 to Wildwood where a 33 year-old white woman did a hit-and-run before cops pulled her over and she subsequently failed field sobriety tests. Cut-and-dry DUI, right? No, kids, we are in Florida–land of pro-level herpderps. The woman insisted to the po-po that they should arrest her “best road trippin friend”… her Chihuahua. After posting $2500 bond, she will be answering to her charges of drunk driving, resisting arrest, and leaving the scene of the accident at her arraignment. No hints as to how she will play the “the dog did it” card… Florida–training ground for all future wine bloggers.

Here’s what is wrong when counties clash with the realities of progress– eight tasting rooms in the greater Woodinville area are facing fines and forced shutdowns because their tasting rooms sit on land zoned agricultural. The wineries affected are: Matthews, SilverLake, Cougar Crest Estate, Castillo de Feliciana, Patit Creek and Forgeron Cellars, Cave B, Winery Kitchen, and Cherry Valley.

Let’s think about it. The Seattle area continues to attract wealth and talent. Just one employer alone, Amazon, will be adding another 50,000 software developers in the next few years. These jobs pay a pretty dime. Hence, prices for homes close to downtown have shot up. That makes plots on the eastside more palatable to purchase. Open space is disappearing as a natural progression of prosperity. Farms have never been associated with wealth, at least the reasonably-sized ones. The farms in Woodinville city limits are not scenic, picturesque vistas. They look more like junkyards and weed conventions. They no longer have a place in Woodinville, at least where commerce is bustling. Isn’t it the responsibility of cities and counties to create a vibrant business environment, attract tourist dollars, and be associated with a high-class product? To keep up with the changing times? Do we really need to preserve the farms of Woodinville? Can you name one farm you purchased food from? It is time for the county to relent and realize that Woodinville is supported mainly by the wine industry. Wine dollars keep Woodinville operating and the eyeballs that visit the city still feel they are in a country setting. They don’t patronize farms. Get real. You want farms? Head north on Highway 9 for about 15 minutes. By popular demand, Woodinville and its immediate environs has morphed into a “Napa of the North.” Its the wineries that make going to Woodinville so much fun, not the farms.

As central Washington goes up in smoke, all that stink has finally blown west. The haze here is disgusting so I can imagine how people confuse Kennewick with Beijing.

What else is there to say about Matthews? Great place to party. Good wines. Arrogant pricing. Case in point is their sauvignon blanc line. $25 for a bottle with the 2014 vintage. Most wineries won’t step past the $20 line, regardless of quality. Only tourists and old white guys pay $25 for a sauvignon blanc, thinking they are getting a Rochioli. This is not Rochioli. It is well made and varietally correct without added bullshit. To comment on its “typicity” would be to admit this is a limp-wristed wine blog and that, we’re not. But, I digress.

This is a good $15 sauvignon blanc. Heady flavors of citrus and fruit flowers. What it lacks is persistence and evolution. That finesse and depth factors. It wants to be top shelf stuff but it isn’t. Nevertheless, drink it chilled with some fruits and cheeses and crackers and a buxom young vixen and it won’t matter. Do not cellar this more than a year. Great for this hot summer for the ages.

Tasted at 57-62 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: light straw. Aromas/flavors: grapefruit, lemon, orange rind, pear blossom, canned pineapple.

Alcohol: 14.5%. Vineyards: Stillwater Creek, Sagemoor. Harvested: late August, 2013. Fermented 22 days. 75% stainless and 25% concrete. Bottled Feb. 4, 2014. 546 cases. Stelvin cap. Released May, 2014. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Music pairing: “Smokin’” by Boston. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Sineann 2013 Columbia Valley cabernet sauvignon

Around 3am, a Marietta, TX man aimed his trusty .38 revolver at a clueless armadillo sniffing through his property and fired three shots at the unwitting critter only to have one of the bullets ricocheted back into his jaw. In Gadebusch, Germany, a 41 year-old bicyclist took a nasty bruise to her boobs after a boar hunter’s bullet rebounded off the meaty animal and hit the metal underwire of her bra, causing a minor bruise instead of a skin-piercing potentially fatal blow. Out in Woodinville, turnout for the Washington wines auction was underwhelming in part due to this blog advising against paying exorbitant amounts of hard-earned cash on good wines that can be had at area tasting rooms for a dime. And, lastly, what do you tell wineries when they send their crafted wines to lowly punkass reviewers and return with a sub-90 rating? Dude, your plans backfired…

In case you missed it, we had a memorable wine run in the warehouse district this past weekend where a couple of fatties actually fought each other as they headed to the finish line. There’s nothing like a good chick fight, and it was free to watch! I should have squirted some Lover’s Package oil on them. However, this plague of leotarded locusts with tits then overwhelmed the tasting rooms in the area, which really pissed me off. Is there anything worse than a group of bitches swarming your tasting room and are totally clueless on how good your wines are? They were just there to get swacked as they displayed their awesome 35-inch waists. There should be an ordinance against fugly, middle-aged white women wearing Spandex who don’t buy any wines at a tasting room after-party.

Word is out that Betz (Mafia) Family Winery is charging $130 for a bottle of cabernet. Holy crap! Is this a re-labeled Quilceda Creek shiner? If true, this would be a first for a Woodinville-area winery. I have to say Woodinville- AREA because the winery claims to be located in Redmond, WA. Well, correction be stated as DeLille Cellars has been offering their grossly overpriced Grand Ciel cabernet for about the last ten years now and each of those bottlings went well past an honest Franklin. This is what is wrong about Woodinville these days. Sure, Jim Koch (then CEO of Redhook) predicted Woodinville would be the “Napa of the North” but did he guess that also included these stupid prices for a bottle of wine?

A solid bottle of wine, white or red, should be priced in the $20-$60 range. Why would anyone not employed at Amazon, Microsoft, Google, Facebook, or Windermere want to spend more? Is it because of the name on the bottle? Heck, I will buy a 3 liter Black Box cabernet and put masking tape over it and write Chuckles Smith over it and sell it for a couple hundred. I mean, like seriously… are you buying the wine for its prestige or for the real quality under the cork? Are wine buyers that hungry for status that they lose all concept of reality and spend more after-tax cash on 750 milliliters of 85% water than an all-parks day pass to Disneyland? Wineries that engage in such pricing practices will pay the price with the next downturn in the economy. And, that day is coming, folks.

Speaking of the Chuckster… this jackknob epitomizes all that is wrong with today’s winemakers. This wine industry is still very much a close-knit enclave of overly generous individuals who believe when everyone is helping each other, and actually care about each other’s successes, that the wineries as a whole, will prosper. But no, we have frizzy fuckfaces enter the region with a cocky I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-you attitude after succeeding in selling off a childish label to Big Wine and now spreading, like a simian virus, the word that it’s everyone for him/herself. Playing the old “rockstar” persona just ain’t gonna fly here in Woodinville, which is why the silvery-haired old goat had to locate in soil-contaminated south Seattle. You can bet this eccentric will not be a fair player with the South Seattle Artisan Wineries group. You can also bet that when this goofball dies, no one will give a rip. Greed drives individuals more than community. Look for south Seattle to be the next Pottersville with this wank in town.

And, what’s up with this Washington Wine Month bullshit? What about the other eleven months? Like, we only sell Washington wines for 31 days out of the year? Don’t get me started…

Every now and then, a big box retailer of wine will offer a crazy deal on a well-hidden secret of a regional winery. Well, this ain’t one of them but still, for those wanting to expand their palate and take a calculated risk, low-end Sineann wines will not disappoint. This is good shade considering I don’t like Oregon wineries messing with Washington grapes. Oregon only knows pinot noir. And beer. Washington fucked itself by going all-in on IPAs. IPAs suck. IPAs are for poor college grunts looking to break into the real world. And for out-of-state Amazon nits who think they are entitled to be Seattle royalty. Hint: you’ll be working for someone else in a year or writing bullshit for Choad Enthusiast.

Tasted at 54-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. Clear dark magenta in the Riedel with dark, smoky fruit bubbling from the tulip. Full-bodied with medium residence on the palate, showing black fruits, black licorice, dried woody spices, brambleberry, and a soft violet finish.

Alcohol: 14.2%. Vineyards: Champoux, Phinny Hill, Canyons Red Mountain. Columbia Valley AVA. 675 cases. Stevin cap. Power: 3/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 90. Value: $25. Retail: $30. Music pairing: “Backfired” by Debbie Harry. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Arbor Crest Wine Cellars 2013 Five Vineyards cabernet sauvignon

Apparently, we have new wine bloggers in our midst as Seattle was just nationally ranked number 7 amongst the rattiest metropolitan areas. Paul Ratsazelli of the Sodo district commented, “Indeed! The rat ranking definitely explains a lot, but doesn’t explain it all. Sometimes, these rats, er, wine bloggers tend to conglomerate around wine releases, uninviting themselves to free pours and unctuous food offerings. Sean Sillyvain of California Wine Report retorts, “Agreed! However, you should also mention that rats have a sharp sense of smell and are easy to train to write glowing reviews in exchange for free wine. Wait. I meant wine bloggers. Rats. Wine bloggers. Easy to confuse.” Lenny Poffo of Equine Wine Globe Merchants comments, “When a region adds more wineries, you attract the lowest form of wannabe writers. Look at Woodinville… you had Shona freeloading away in the warehouse district and she attracted another pest in Margot who attracted a bunch of tech twits who know absolutely nothing about wine yet think they can influence sales via social media. What morons!” And finally, Dave LeClunk was in his usual self-promotion mode, “Well, I think Totaled Wine is just the greatest bulk seller of wine. I just love Wilfredo Wong and his points. And I just… wait… I meant InBevMo? Who am I working for again?” While wine bloggers pack up for their big orgy in some remote wine outpost somewhere back east, I overheard a conversation amongst spouses (and Klingons) of wine bloggers talking about how certain wines improve the taste of sperm. There was Anny complaining about Sean’s jizz “tasting indescribably disgusting. I gagged and nearly barfed when he shot a teaspoonful between the hole in my front teeth. And that Jameson dude– I fed him cantaloupe hoping to improve his cockfizz. Nope. Still tasted like roadkill with bleach poured over it.” Babs added, “My Spanish boyfriend’s splooge tastes bad too. He likes overly oaked tempranillo and dried fish. I tried to coat his pecker with my yeast slime but it still smelled like a feral cat left a fishy hairball in my mother’s laundry room.” Well ladies, here’s your guide to getting the right amount of sweet plume on your man’s spunk. For you trailer park hos that enjoy boxed wines, pink zinfandel, or other bottom shelf dwellers, expect your man’s throat creem to have bitter undertones of crushed stinkbugs, beetle juice, and spider guts. That should be consistent with the dietary habits of said state-supported moochers living in a double-wide. For red wine drinkers, low-end (under $30)– stay away from heavily oaked wines is rule number 1. This should be easy as most of the wines in this price range lack extract of Lumber Liquidators. A sweet cabernet is a surprisingly good choice here. Go with light colors and fun labels. Wines in the $31-100 range is a minefield. Lots of heavy tannins and double-plus on barrel toast will make you man’s chowder taste like bleached charcoal. Avoid this zone. Not so coincidentally, this is the area where older men, high on Viagra, just cannot pull out in time so you women just have to deal with the stinky burn while sitting on the toilet. The best wines to pre-load your man’s load are white wines with a fair amount of residual sugar (between 1 and 5%). This stems from the anecdotal evidence from many other ladies of the night that insist pineapple juice and ripe berries make for sweet squirts from “ripe berries.” Look for unoaked chardonnay as the most ubiquitous choice in mini-marts, but think of other sub-$15 wines such as gewürztraminer, pinot gris, semillon, and sweet riesling. The thinking here is this: dickspit comprises over 95% water. Those little tadpoles of love only occupy about 2% volume and those little guys need a lot of fuel to swim upstream so that testicle cream also contains vitamin C and fructose sugar as a caloric source. It’s the trace minerals such as magnesium and zinc that give it a metallic bitterness while enzymes and other proteins give it that gluey consistency. My porn actress friend stated she prefers non-meat eaters (taste the irony?) and no vices, such as smoking, heavy alcohol, and processed food consumption. A clean lifestyle leads to a sweet climax on the sheets, so to say. And, feed your power driller the good stuff at least a few hours before he makes a deposit in your mouth bank. My research on young, willing nymphs has concluded that really fruit-forward Washington wines are the best at smoothing out a tart le-man cream filling. Look for a semillon-sauvignon blanc blend from Davenport Cellars; that sauvignon blanc from Guardian Cellars; a wicked chardonnay from Barrage Cellars; and two from Chateau Ste. Michelle– gewürztraminer and a cheap riesling. These wines will not break your wallet and the more your man cleans up and fortifies his junk spunk, the better the palatability going down. Arbor Crest Wine Cellars is fast becoming the iconic winery of Spokane, former home of the triple-A Indians. Having the same winemaker all these years breeds consistency and a familiar, predictable style of winemaking that is swelling the ranks of the faithful. Tasted at 55-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: magenta. Nose: faint raspberry and blackberry. Barely full-bodied with a moderate residence on the palate emanating flavors of Gifford Pinchot tinder, nettle, raspberry, and non-French oak. Alcohol: 13.8%. Columbia Valley AVA. Vineyards: Wahluke Slope (26%), Bacchus (25%), Dionysus (25%), Stillwater Creek (19%), and Klipsun (5%). 29th winery in the State (founded in 1982). Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 1/5. Rated: 87. Value: $14. Music pairing: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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