Double Canyon 2013 Horse Heaven Hills cabernet sauvignon

Breaking news from Anny as they prepare for their nuptials: “We at Washington Free Wine Reporter would like to share a cautionary tale with our twelve fans. Last night, our non-credentialed wine expert Sean Hong was cutting jalapenos and neglected to wash his hands before taking a shower. Needless to say, his groinal area was in severe pain for hours. Sean did not want to share his mishap with only a dozen dumbasses, so we feel it’s EXTREMELY important that everyone knows what happened and learn from this douchebag’s mistake. As funny as burning your vagina with jalapenos might seem, it is no laughing matter. Be aware. Be safe. You can donate to  his gofundme site to get a sex change.

At the recent Tasteless Washington convention for posers and fake wine experts, we discussed the shameful schmoozing with wineries to score free wines as well as each other’s personal lives because there’s no better story than exposing what your wine blogger is really like.

Here are a few lowlights from that constipating fusion of worthless minds:

WAwineman: “Hey Anny, congratulations on your future life with your wife over there but tell me, what was most memorable from your first date with Sean?”

Anny: “I was waiting for him to get ready and he then went to the bathroom and left the door open! It was our first date and he went no. 2.”

WAwineman: “Well, alrighty then. So then, what did he say that made you know he was ‘the one’?”

Anny: “It was at the beginning of the recession and you know Sean is so witty! I took off my clothes and got on my knees after he told me, ‘So, uh, the government went down today and I was wondering if you would be patriotic enough to do the same?'”

WAwineman: “So it was great sex?”

Anny: “At first, no. I mean, he kept wanting to impress me with his math from Bard College. When my mouth was done with him, he said, ‘And as you can see now, the derivative of lnx is 1/x.'”

WAwineman: “And how did you reply?”

Anny: “Wow! You’re just so nice and helpful. Now, help me unhook my bra.”

WAwineman: “Okay, let’s go retro. When you met him for the very first time at a trade tasting, how did he introduce himself to you?”

Anny: “Hi, I’m Sean. Are you drunk enough to go home with me?”

WAwineman: “Well, that’s awkward. Hey Josh, how did your first dates go?”

Josh: “I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.”

WAwineman: “Well, it’s priorities with you. Was she impressed with your savvy?”

Josh: “I don’t know.”

Anny: “When a woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal.”

Josh: “That explains why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.”

Shona: “Well Josh, live my creed– if you ever feel unattractive, just remember… you look like your ancestors and hey, they all got laid!”

WAwineman: “Hey Babs, how’s life?”

Babs Winegal: “My boobs are loving unemployment. They don’t have to go to boob jail everyday.”

WAwineman: “Those are boobs? I thought I saw a McClendon Hardware dude looking at you and getting his hammer claw ready to remove a couple nails from a 2 by 4.”

Margot: “You guys think we don’t understand your corny little sex jokes.”

WAwineman: “You are our corny little sex jokes.”

Babs: “I enjoy your jokes as much as riding a roller coaster.”

Sean: “Why ride a roller coaster when you could have rode me?”

Babs: “I’m less likely to die from boredom on a roller coaster.”

Sean: “Agreed! I’m fully taking this as a compliment.”

Chris: “Roller coasters cost less.”

Sean: “Rude!”

Jameson: “Roller coasters have more thrills.”

Sean: “Double rude!”

Chris: “Roller coasters don’t harbor disease.”

Nelson: “Roller coasters are fun!”

WAwineman: “Can you all give Sean advice on the married life?”

Paul: “A happily married man is one who understands every word that his wife didn’t say.”

Madeline: “9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th husband hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted.”

Shona: “From my own experience, tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”

Double Canyon is an estate winery under the wide umbrella of the much larger Crimson Wine Group out of Napa, CA. Yes, yet another stealth California conglomerate migrating up to Washington because the wines here are a far better value for them to make than trying to buy up more Napa Valley land. At least this winery has well-reputed neighbors in Phinny Hill and Champoux vineyards so they can better justify the high sticker price for their wines from a rather young winery.

The most obvious advantage, from a consumer’s standpoint, is Double Canyon has access to a real marketing department so it’s no surprise their wines sell quickly thanks to their racy, artsy front labels. No stupid housewives in curlers or labels that look like it came off a 1987 MacIntosh.

Ultimately, it’s what’s in the bottle that starts a following and this one’s good enough for tourists to our Emerald City. That explains the tasting room squatting in the ancient quarters of Pioneer Square. The prices are almost at Archery Summit level for a winery that has no track record. The estate vines themselves were planted in 2007, so this is about a 4th commercial harvest wine, unlike those at Champoux and Phinny HIll. As such, give this one time to express itself. Perhaps, the warm 2018 vintage…

Tasted at 61-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: black magenta. Nose: coy blackberry. Mouthfeel: velvety, clean, refined. Tail trail: 13 seconds. Flavors: blackberry, plum, raspberry, sage, basil, thyme, and sweet tannins.

Alcohol: 13.7%. Vineyards (grapes): estate (cabernet sauvignon), Phinny Hill (syrah), Champoux (malbec, petit verdot). Harvested: October 1-November 1. Aged 17 months in 30% new oak. On-site wine shapers: Will Beightol and Stephanie Pao. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 89. Value $20. Music pairing: “I’m Your Boogie Man” by KC & The Sunshine Band. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Ross Andrew Winery 2011 Old Block Syrah

Fling another pie in the Millenial’s face!

Bernie’s army just got a lot thinner after yet another set of expected losses, mostly in the backyard of homer’s Northeast region. “It’s a posture of reality,” quipped the nursing home candidate who introduced a sugar-coated form of socialism to this country. Yes Bernie, just like all my millennial ex-gf’s when I made them get down on all fours.

In the latest pages of Celebrity Overdose is that 9th Wonder of The World, Chyna. Now, who didn’t have just the teeniest bit of curiosity that she was packing junk in her wrasslin’ tights under all that ripped muscle? She was a bodybuilder’s dream, at least her pecs, quads, and delts, and probably lifted more than a majority of the other male studs that strutted down the WWF ramp. But fear not, Prince may end up following her on the list as narcotics were found in his residence. Celebrities and illicit drug use have always gone hand-in-hand. What’s so ironic, but not surprising, is that sales of the-artist-formerly-known-as-then-recovered-his-name’s music have shot up the charts. What flattery… knowing you’re worth more dead than alive.

And, typical Seattle millenials… railing against the Facebook poster by UW cheerleading advising potential cheerleaders on the do’s and don’ts for their tryouts. There’s a decent picture of a lovely blonde with a shapely slim figure and pointers on how to appear. The advice is nothing unexpected or insulting. After all, it’s cheerleading. Name a major university’s cheerleader team that includes a tatted, Krispy Kreme-muffin topped, beauty pageant-cosmetic caked, color-blind attired horseface in stolen Air Jordans? Nevertheless, millenials who resemble the roadkill that the dog buried under the tree bothered to let the social media world know how offended they were.. and probably because they’re so fugly, they wouldn’t have qualified in the first place. Talk about hating on others who actually work at taking care of their bodies instead of chimping on the phones as they watch the latest Game of Thrones episode from last season while sucking on a donut pop or a larded Nashville-style fried chicken thigh.

Continuing on the things are not what they appear to be theme… the marketplace recently presented this compelling bottle at a fraction of the price for previous vintages. You had to do a double-take if you saw the $13.99 price tag for a wine from Ross Andrew Winery. And, even more so for his syrah– from an old block at Washington’s second oldest vineyard for growing syrah. Prices for this winery’s previous vintages topped almost $70 for juice from the same plot of land. Now, while it seems every other winery in Woodinville makes a Boushey Vineyard syrah, only a handful know how extract the terroir that makes Boushey syrah the most sought after in the region. Notice, I didn’t say “one of the most” or anything that may suggest I am kowtowing to other vineyards. No. Boushey Vineyard syrah stands alone… when done right. The ‘Old Guard’ know the secrets, among them is Betz Family Winery. And, Ross Mickel perfected his craft at Betz. So, the expectations were set very high for this baby.

However, the fine print was it was the 2011 vintage. The dreaded 2011 vintage. The one this blog has warned against buying anything from that ice cold year. $14 was just too much bait not to take. After all, the somms and other retailers waxed so poetic about the 2011 vintage with tones of “delayed gratification” and “longer cellar time” to coax out delicate, complex flavors. It’s like polishing a turd, folks.

Nevertheless, it got fast-tracked with our group’s testing. Didn’t matter. This thing was like a dead thoroughbred. I don’t blame the winemaking. It’s the shitty grapes that came from a cold AVA in a cold year. No bacon fat. No morels. None of that blistery, smoked-meat cabinet that is the hallmark of Boushey Vineyard syrah. In defense, there was life to this syrah–good fruit, good botanicals, and firm spine. But, that type of syrah was ubiquitous with the 2007 vintage. This tasted like it came from the Okanogan Valley.

Tasted at 62-69 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: dark magenta. Nose: smoky blackberry, cedar plank, tobacco leaf. Mouthfeel: soft, 3am. Tail trail: 7 seconds. Flavors: plum, raspberry, blueberry, supermarket spice rack, dried cherry, acidic. Not even a bitch-slap would have helped. Paired with grilled ribeye… should have popped a cabernet.

Alcohol: 14%. Columbia Valley AVA. 1994 block. Phelps clone. No listing on winery website, like this thing got abandoned at the fire station. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Value: $17. Music pairing: “Hit The Road Jack” by Ray Charles. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Tenor Wines 2012 Columbia Valley syrah

Millenials are total, complete f*cking fools.

These awkward, flatulent, pencil-necked, entitled bloodsuckers think they can change the world by wearing plastic Viking helmets or waxing their thin beards and threatening to bring down the establishment by voting for Bernie or crudely writing a misspelled-pocked review on Yelp. Forget about paying your dues, these rancid skidmarks want instant recognition without earning it. Forget about quality, they want cheap trinkets for the masses. They want business owners to pay more taxes, regardless of the struggle of running a business, while these meely-mouthed employees continually scan their social media communities on the clock. They want “free” education and teachers to be highly paid. Who cares if someone sacrificed more, did their homework properly, took greater risks to take advantage of market-driven economics, and placed themselves on the road to great success while numbnut sockhead was 420-ing everyday during school hours, majored in sociology at a $10,000-a-year institution, participated in homeless parades, and basically did everything but study toward a financially-satisfying goal? No. We’re all “equal” in these moron’s eyes. That’s socialism today.

Here’s just the latest example of millenials and their fallacy of a waxed-beard utopia.

The Tampa Bay Times recently did a WAwineman-like investigation on the farm-to-table movement and uncovered a massive sham of so-called locally-grown ingredients advertised at area restaurants that were actually re-branding out-of-state food items as locally grown. Restaurant staff were waxing poetic about buying meat from a local farmer through a wholesaler, but said wholesaler denied they bought any pork from anyone in that area. And, true to the power of the spoken word, everyone, including publications, rolled with the spiel, totally oblivious to the differences between locally grown and industrially raised. Idiots. Fools.

This is not limited to traditional media.

You see it on Facebook and other sites. Some dipsquat you follow blindly shares a link such as “10 Cancer Causing Foods That You Eat Every Day” that sound alarming but are written from an unreliable source and use scare tactics instead of carefully-evaluated information to base their findings. Of course, after you get baited to click on the link, you get pestered with all sorts of ads and are forced to find the miniscule link to the next page (of 20) that might have any info you got fooled into searching for.

You know who you are. You’re the one either sharing this shit or believing in any of it. Just because it’s in your news feed.

Let’s take a look at one of these sensationalist clickbaits. One site shouted out a list of foods and ingredients that, if followed, means you can’t eat anything unless you grow it yourself, fed from high mountain wells. We’re talking canned tomatoes (bisphenol-A), soda pop (sugar), red meat (possible colon cancer link), non-organic fruits (pesticides), GMOs (cancer), processed meats (nitrates), farmed salmon (PCBs), white flour (high glycemic index–whatever that is), potato chips (acrylamide), hydrogenated oils (omega-6), and alcohol (cancer).

So, that means Italy is a walking bisphenol-A and nitrates population full of cancers. Argentina and Uruguay’s number one killer is colon cancer. 11 out of 10 teenagers have diabeetus. And, drinking wine leads to all sorts of cancers.

Cancer this. Cancer that. Just the sound of it can alter your daily habits. The truth is… it’s all bullshit. These hype-machines assume you eat that junk every day. Every. Single. Day. And, not just a nibble, but a full meal deal. Who the hell does that? And, if you actually know someone who does, then why the f*ck don’t you mention that it’s just not a natural thing to do?

Can you imagine going a week without any of the above-mentioned foods? No. You can’t. You think you can but someone, somewhere fooled you into thinking that you’re Whole Foodsome. You’re not. You don’t have the money or the guile to get it done. These foods are a part of our lives… in moderation. Our country’s average life expectancy continues to rise, diacetyl-glazed Orville Redenbacher’s or not.

As for that alcohol listing, “excessive use” is the main cause of a plethora of cancers from your boobs to your butt. Yeah, define “excessive use.” Where’s the data? It’s bullshit written by 18th Amendment  holdovers and paid for by Southern Faptists and ISIS. “Excessive use” of anything is gunna f*ck you up. Whether it’s asparagus or reading those glaucoma-inducing tweets and dickless posts from Sean.

So, the lesson here is simple. Think before you become a sucker. Yeah, just like those “free” tickets you won from Alaska Airlines. Or that shitty wine you bought on Sean Hong’s recommendation.

Same goes for consumers who join wine clubs with a big-time distributor. You think you’re getting “preferred” pricing by getting that $60 wine for $51, even though you have to buy six of them and stay committed for the next three shipments. Who’s getting the deal? Hint, not you, buddy.

We found this gem on sale for $45 at a nationally-recognized wine seller. This is a 2012, not 2011. Avoid all 2011s from 95% of this state’s wineries. It sucks. No, really, it sucks. However, go find any 2012 vintage red and you can’t go wrong. So far. The 2012s are quite amazing and comparable to the stellar 2005 vintage in Washington–perhaps the overall best of this millennium so far. If we had to rate the vintages right now, this is how they stack up: (1) 2005, (2) 2007, (3) 2012, (4) 2006, (5) 2009, (6) 2003, (7) 2008, (8) 2002. And, the sweet spot for maximum value is anywhere in the range of $9 to $45 for the 2012s.

This is one of those $45 Motley Fool recommendations, if they did wine. Originally priced in the $60 neighborhood, some wholesaler had leftover stash and wanted to clear it quickly. Sure, I feel sorry for anyone who paid $50 and up for this BUT, hey, you still got what you paid for. This is a wine that plays well now on the dinner table and will for a couple decades more. Store it for another ten years upside down and bust it out at your good friend’s wedding. Or, if you are in the club, pop one every couple of years at Thanksgiving or the summer picnic at the lake.

Tasted at 62-68 degrees on the IR temp gun. A manly dark black-royal purple in the Riedel with a harvest basket of roasted ham, bacon drippings, black violet, plum fairies, Yosemite log cabin, and homestead blackberry drooling over the rim. Full and long on the palate with silky smooth nuances parading down the gullet.

Alcohol: 14.6%. 211 cases. Vineyards: Lawrence, Va Piano. Fermented 18 days. 75% new 500L French oak. Bottled March 17, 2014. Released March 22, 2015. “I thought of La Mouline”–winemaker. I thought of Smasne 2007 Block 3 syrah myself thank you. I’ll never understand why winemakers belittle their Washington wines by comparing them to other regions. Maybe they just don’t know how good Washington wines are. Too bad for them. Power: 2/5. Balance: 4/5. Depth: 4/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 94. Value: $60. Music pairing: “Back On The Chain Gang” by The Pretenders. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Guardian Cellars 2013 Entrapment chardonnay

So… the Pope himself, the Grand Poobah of a religion that initiated wars throughout Europe for millennia, had the audacity to insult the next POTUS by stating, “A person who only thinks about building walls… is not Christian,” squeezed some irony into this American election year. After all, the Ku Klux Klan-lookalike resides in a city-nation that is surrounded by walls built some 1,170 years ago. But, that’s Catholicism for ya… And hey, speaking of this hypocritical philosophy, let’s talk about artificial contraception. The Catholic clergy, when not raping young choirboys, bans the use of artificial contraception. They are absolutely against it because they know ‘Catholic’ rhymes with ‘prolific’. The religion attracts a pack of horndogs and hornkitties that display virtuousness, but behind closed doors, they multiply faster than rabbits. Some of the horniest women in my history were devout Catholics. It got to the point where dating the holiest single lady in class was the ultimate testicular challenge. And good gawd, they were the loudest screamers! Still yet, this Roman Catholic clergy quietly permits artificial contraception (eg. birth control pills) in South America and also allowed it when their nuns were getting nutted against their will in the Congo. Go ahead, fact check this. I dare ya.

Say you’re just a “Christian”…

You go to church on Sundays… some of the time… as long as it doesn’t conflict with a 10am Seahawks game… you do singalong hymns, you throw in a fiver in the bowl, you hug your neighbors in the pews, you fall asleep during the sermon. You know who you are. For one hour in the week, you are bliss. You are the sacred one. The virgin bitch. The manly man. Bullshit. You go home, you beat your kids, you kick your dog, you diss your significant other. You grab a beer and tell everyone to shut the hell up because you can’t listen to the big game on your tv. The rest of the week– you cuss in traffic, you dupe your customers to maximize your profits, you crap on your subordinates, you don’t give a f*ck about your kid failing in school because you’re “tired” from life, and you think you can beat everyone up because no one watches more UFC than you do. Yeah, that’s being a real “Christian,” dude. And, let’s not mention all the measles that the missionaries brought to new lands to spread their gift of conversion.

To be fair, it’s not like Islam is any different. Mulsim boyz are so deranged that they force their women to completely cover up lest they incite scroatal sensations by the mere exposure of their nose, lips, or hair. Never mind the milky funbags or bald beavers. The simple act of hugging or kissing in public brings a lengthy jail term. Restaurants in Islamic countries segregate single men from the rest of society, requiring separate seating accommodations. Why? Because they are dirty perverts. That’s why.

So, as an anarchist, you can understand why religion is truly the root of all evil. There is no afterlife. There is no higher being watching only over you. This is truly only a human curiosity. Name another species that believes this. And, if the Bible explains all that is, then how was the Earth’s moon created and for what reason? Why is there such a belief in the existence of alien life forms or even ghosts? Why give Jesus credit for turning water into wine when it was Saccharomyces that did it?

You see, religion is the real root of all evil.

Back to wine news…

Looks like Paul Guttless has been on tour recently, promoting “his” wine that someone else made. He stopped over in Porter Ranch recently to do a book signing and the newspapers covered his presence by declaring a major gas leak that forced the evacuation of hundreds who were downwind of his smelly ass. He later returned to Everett wearing a citrusy jumpsuit where the local press recited the sudden existence of orange slime within its borders. Seattle Police reported recently that a suspect eerily described as a disgruntled Amazon software development engineer with salty hair and a 2-inch penis who lived in the Wallingford area was combing through trash bins looking for free wine. The $10 reward for a good tip wasn’t enough for me to turn Sean in. What would I do with it? Buy a case of Kealla Winery sangiovese? What a waste of cash.

Guardian Cellars. It’s a badass winery. You are not hip if you haven’t bought their wines or attended their release parties. Ask winemaker Jerry if he really was going to shoot the numbnut who packed a shotgun in the local library. Ask winemaker Jennifer if she wants to move to Seattle after all her reporting on the inane and insane.

Tasted at 53-59 degrees on the IR temp gun. Light straw in the Riedel with overtones of hay covering lemon, nectarine, apple butter, and ripe pear. Full-bodied with a mild acid bite and long residence leading with facial powder, white apple, creamy butter, lemon zest, hazelnuts, and honeydew melon. Great with chicken curry.

Alcohol: 14.2%. Hundreds of cases. Conner Lee Vineyard. Columbia Valley AVA. Aged in 2/3 new French oak. AKA Cougar Juice because of all the lovely milf realtors out there in east King County who are itching to pass on their yeast infections. Power: 2/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 91. Value: $30. Music pairing: “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Cooper Wine Company 2011 L’Inizio red wine

With so many new readers on board, we here at Brand Central decided to re-educate the newbies with the vibe that makes this Washington wine blog the greatest home base for omni-knowledge about Washington wines.

After all, ask any veteran reader of this blog and they will emphatically give a clinical dissection about the many so-called “independent” Washington wine blogs that are underhandedly paid for by the local wine commission and sexually gratified by the more established broke-ass wine smelliers in the Emerald City. When these scumbag lowlifes are not plagiarizing wine notes off of this site or a winery’s website, you can find them slithering around wineries vainly attempting to extract free wines from unsuspecting tasting room managers. And, of course, any simp reading their blogs knows a reviewer can be completely unbiased when rating a free wine that was knowingly “donated” by a winery’s staff. Yeah… right.

Since the original posting, where have they gone? Sable425 proposed to Martin Shkreli. Diva Tink found true love again… for the twentieth time. SeattleWineHooch won a paternity suit against a winless bullfighter she met on Ashley Madison and used the proceeds to move to Spain to find more losers. StoneCold Yashish moved to Nepal to be at one with the Dalai Llama–he could have just moved to Puyallup–plenty of four-leggers there. Taryn and Nicole have “tagteamed” half of the winemakers under 30. And, Charlie can’t make up his mind where to blow his millions on homes after selling out his house wine to corporate gooberheads.

Then, there’s Sean, the asshat puke who’s a legend in his own syphilis-infested mind and who once eschewed the 100-point wine rating system (maybe because it was too complex to master) only to acquiesce once the lemon party elders at Choad Enthusiast (a D-rated wine mag) picked him to review wines from the Northwest after winning a Lemon Party Idol contest where he teabagged judges Paul Guttless and the HoseMasterBaterOfWine.

So… here’s the classic post that Hollywood noticed and put this blog on the A-list. You’re welcome.

Turning on the boob tube to the Wine Channel to watch the recap of Tuesday Night Titans where a bunch of local wine pundits gathered at Russell’s Restaurant (aka “the Barn”) in beautiful uptown Bothell and sponsored by the Cooper Wine Company. Ah, here’s the part where I interview the participants. Let’s take a looky:

(Here comes Sean “The Rock” Sullivan just finishing up the tasting)
WAwineman: “Hey, Sean, how was it in there?”
Sean: “Who in the Blue Hell are you?”
WAwineman: “Why Sean, I’m…”
Sean: “IT DOESN’T MATTER who you are!”
WAwineman: “Sean, you don’t have to yell at me, I’m not blind!”
Sean: “You wanna go one-on-one with ‘the Great One’?”
WAwineman: “Well, actually I wanted to know your thoughts of the wines but I’d rather you tell if you could confirm the rumor that when you were growing up, your mom and dad ran away from home.”
Sean: “Listen punk, I…”
WAwineman: “Ooo, here comes Sable425! Hey, baby, how were the wines tonight?”
Sable425: “Would you please shut…the hell…up!?” (walks away)
(Here comes DivaTink…)
WAwineman: “Hey DivaTink, how about those Cooper Wines tonight?”
DivaTink: “I got two words for ya…drink it!” (as she makes an “X” with her forearms at her waist) (Behind her is the SeattleWineHooch)
WAwineman: “Uh SeattleWineHooch, did you think the wines were approachable?”
SeattleWineHooch: “I’m a legend in the social media and wine industry. If you don’t believe me, ask me.”
SeattleWineHooch spots DivaTink moving in on her date, attacks and tackles DivaTink.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, looks like a slobberknocker out there.”
Sean: “DivaTink’s getting whipped like a government mule!”
(Stone Cold Yashish passes by)
Stone Cold Yashish: “Ooo!, I see puppies!”
WAwineman: “Hey Yash, nice effort out there at the wine table tonight! Did it hurt?”
Yashish: “Hurt? Hurt? Pardon my language, but did it hurt when you Botox’d your moobs, you dumb jabroni?” (walks away with a gruff stare)
(Here comes the diva duo of TarynTheTerror and NastyNicole)
Taryn and Nicole: “Hey Wineman, we had a good time out there tonight. Oh look, Paul Gregutt made an appearance with his new hairstyle.”
WAwineman: “With a haircut like that, it looks like Billy Gay Cyrus went and had sex with a retarded hyena. By the way, Nicole, what was your previous occupation?”
Taryn butts in: “Nikki here wasn’t always a wine diva. She used to have a job at the sperm bank. She got fired for drinking on the job!” (laughs as they head out the door)
(Here comes the man responsible for the wines poured tonight, Neil “the Godfather” Cooper, along with a flock of scantily clad women with way too much makeup.)
WAwineman: “Hey Godfather, do you think your wines are just a bit too hedonistic? And, by the way, nice grillz.”
the Godfather: “Look at you. Why, you look like a big monkey came down here, took a crap in Rob’s restaurant, and out came WAwineman!”
(WAwineman is speechless and looking at the camera, perplexed)
the Godfather: “Now look at me and my brood! This is what you get when you drink my wines. Get it? Got it? Now, get outta here! You can kiss my bunda, boy! Pimpin’ ain’t easy!” (and off they go into the night)
(Last is Charles “Sam Kinison” Smith to pass by)
WAwineman: “Hey Charles, what’s the word?”
Charles: (waving his open hand between our faces) “You can’t see me! An *bleep* to you *bleepin* wine bloggers, aw, aw, aw, AWWWWWWWWW!!!!” (and walks away)
Sean: “Listen roody-poo, I have a harem waiting for me in the limo. I’m outta here.”
And as The Rock leaves, WAwineman pulls out an empty bottle of Charles Shaw cabernet and smashes it over The Rock’s head, sending him to the ground.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, now do you smell what the wineman’s drinking?”
(Sneaking in from behind the wall are The High-Fivin’ Red Wine Guys (Greg and Paul) each smashing a bottle of Gramercy Cellars Tempranillo over the wineman’s head.)
Greg Harrington: “No, fool. It’s…do you smellllllll-el-el-el-L-L-L-L…what the Harrington…is…drinking?” (looking up at the ceiling)
Paul Gregutt: “To be ‘The Man’, you gotta outblog ‘The Man’! Woooooooo~”

Moral: never drink wine while watching wrasslin’.

Man, I never get tired of reading this sh*t! We sent a few agents to find Neil Cooper for a follow-up but his last dozen girlfriends all divulged that he was in the Dallas-area, either expanding his wine empire or defending his lucha libre championship belt. Same difference.

Thankfully, what hasn’t changed, and only got better, are his wines. His wines carry the family name so any wine connoisseur should feel confident that they are buying one heck of a wine. This is the man with a turbulent past who made carmenere fashionable again. Who made a zinfandel and syrah blend. Who crafted the inaugural vintage of L’Inizio with the funkiest numbers ever: 54.54%, 30.30%, 9.09%, and 6.06%. Who throws the rowdiest parties that involve many crisp dollar bills. This is why he is… The Godfather.

Divinely paired with Texas-style barbecued pork ribs.

Tasted at 62-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. Potent blackberry, black cherry, dark forest leaves, red plum, red pepper, black licorice, and black violets. Pretty damn good for showing this early from the pathetic 2011 vintage, but that’s why the Red Mountain AVA is Washington’s finest region for wine grapes. You have to be a royal eediot to eff up a Red Mountain wine. Oh, sorry Kealla Winery… you dumbasses.

Alcohol: 14.7%. Red Mountain AVA. Vineyards: Hightower, Red Mountain, and Cooper Estate. More than a hundred cases. Drinking window: 2016-the end. Power: 3/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 92. Value: $45. Sold out. Music pairing: “Coop’s Entrance Song” by The Ho Train. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Woodinville Wine Honors (7th vintage, 2015)

On this momentous day celebrating joy and peace (and a new iPad Pro!), we offered Shona169 to host our awards program because no other hooch within city limits poached more free wine from dumbass wineries than the old goat. Unfortunately, she is being sought by Sand Diego PD for allegedly stabbing a man who simply asked if she had an extra cigarette. How do we know? Because the cops gave a description of a “400 lb. bearded woman” with a sick fetish for horses. And let’s give a hearty sigh of relief as two retards in our wine galaxy are tying the knot soon. These two wine knobs first met on OKCupid when she was managing a roach buffet and he was (and still is) a struggling bullshitter of wines he couldn’t afford. They had their ups and downs–she discovered he only has a 2-inch prick, and he woke up the next day after a short coitus only to find out she looks like Bowser took a crap on her face and did its post-defecating leg scratch. It’s called “coyote syndrome” for a reason, but Sean was later able to reattach his left arm once he accepted his life would be over. As a silver lining to this pathetic romance, you can bet I will be one of the servers at their reception. Get ready for some real fun when I accidentally “spill” some California champagne on both their heads. And, let’s all give thanks that she’s too old to reproduce and he’s too infertile to even make it a consideration.

To the awards…

Best tasting room experience: Facelli Winery. This is Lou’s swan song as he is set to hang it up and no successor wants to carry on. One of Woodinville’s originals going back about 30 years when there were only the Chateau and Columbia Winery to get your wine fix. The family always gives a hearty greeting to everyone entering and Lou talks to you like he’s known you forever. Year in and year out, wine veterans could count on the consistency of his wines and personality. And, he signed his bottles without hesitation. A class act through and through.

Rookie of The Year: Refuge & Prospect Winery. Jason Baldwin is in the right place, with the right wine, at the right time. His lineup of wines is solid and displays full Washington character. Why the hell would winemakers want to make wines that make you think of some outpost in France? These are grapes grown in Washington, vinified in Washington, and labeled as Washington. We are not France. We don’t give a flying f*ck about France. I want my Washington wines to taste like they are from Washington. Some hoidy toidy winemakers need to grow some testicles and be proud of their Washington wines that exemplify the spirit and state of Washington. ‘Nuff said.

Winery of The Year: Davenport Cellars. Those who know Jeff and Sheila Jirka know how far this wonderful couple has come along in their wine journey. They started out in a quaint shoebox of a winery and tasting room, lost a wonderful pet on the way as well as selling some prime Red Mountain acreage they had planned for an estate vineyard, then moved into much bigger quarters and added a full kitchen, fireplace, and game area to their expanded tasting zone. And let’s not forget, the wines have grown in quality to where these no longer taste like a small family operation, but more of a serious player in the warehouse district. No other winery is flying up the growth chart faster and packing heavier vibe than this winery in 2015.

White Wine of The Year: Guardian Cellars ‘Angel’. Still the best since like nineteen-forever.

Value of The Year: Davenport Cellars 2013 Snowflake white wine. In a vintage year where the best deals were found in the value range ($8-20), this wine gave the Angel a serious run for the gold. Far and away, the best white wine under $20 with a captivating spectrum of fruit flavors that best express the synergy that comes from a sauvignon blanc-semillon blend in our state. Oh sure, you could spend $40 at another place and wait (and hope) for a few years, but this one’s batting its long, thick eyelashes at you right now.

Washington Wine of The Year: Betz Family Winery 2012 Le Parrain. don’t dwell on the sticker shock of this bottle. It’s an amazing wine full of Bob’s masterful coaxing and twining of flavors from fruit, barrel, earth, and herbs. It is surreal. The wildest of dreams.

Merry F’N Christmas, winos! I gotta get on the next plane out of here…

Next week, we will feature Anny Sillyvain’s Top 100 me-too retweets of 2015.

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Betz Family Winery 2012 Le Parrain

Do we miss Florida or waaaaat? A 68 year-old Lakeland pensioner was one of the solicitors in an undercover sweep of prostitutes. The following is a trail of his crime, not unlike a local wine blogger preparing to give a speech at a Wine Commission event: the fool replied to an online advertisement requesting a dominatrix and rode his bicycle (after losing his driver’s license to a DUI) to a motel, where he disrobed to reveal… a French maid’s uniform, a chastity belt, and a dog collar all worn in the appropriate locations. And that’s not including the coke bottle glasses he was sporting. Upon arrest, he confessed he worked at Home Depot. Well… think I will taking all my business to McClendon’s from now on. Heading west on I-4 to I-275, a 12 year-old St. Petersburg knucklenut, with a 20-arrest rap sheet,  rode his bicycle to a gas station and conned an octagenerian out of his car and drove away in his whip. Guess he wanted to add “grand theft auto” to his inglorious list of indecencies. All he needs to complete his pathetic mess is to add “wine blogger” to his achievements. Turning east on Hwy. 60, a 32 year-old Vero Beach man got nabbed for lifting an “Arouz’d screw butt plug” and “Arouz’d stroker can” from a Spencer’s store, even though he had the money to pay for it. He dejectedly admitted that he was too embarrassed to honestly pay for them at the cashier. The simple fact he was in a Spencer’s to begin with says everything we don’t need to know, kind of like Shona at a horse farm. Let’s head out west for a breather. The ugly sweater un-fashion trend has infected our pets. Pet stores in Los Angeles can’t re-stock their shelves fast enough as owners of furry companions swoop them up, including owners of guinea pigs. There are 5K runs devoted to ugly sweater pets in Chicago. Further evidence of the dumbing of America and why India and China will be our masters by the end of this century.

Speaking of domesticated animals, we have a lot of dog owners reading this blog, so let’s make this the Dogs of Wine issue.

There are thousands of different breeds of canine, but only a unanimous consensus of a few truly FUGLY dog breeds that no one should own, similar to wine bloggers. Here are the five worst-looking breeds and their relation to local wine bloggers.

5. The Chinese Crested mutt that reminds everyone of Annie Dong. This is a dog that is bald mostly from the neck down and hippie from the neck up. Kinda like Annie, who Sean says is “bald from the neck down, specifically, her snatch.” TMI, Sean. T. M. I.

4. The Pug, aka Margot’s bulging eyeballs. Some people think pugs are pretty. Yeah, name one that won a beauty contest, rigged or not. Yeah. didn’t think so.

3. The Mexican Hairless that smells like Jamie PeePeeHaHa. This smooth-skinned but hairless freak is known to ward off evil spirits but all she has done recently is keep promising to bring back her “cracked” table talk wireless show to all six of her AM radio listeners. Wait, what is AM radio??

2. The Bulldog. Your choice here–Clive or Josh. Doesn’t matter. They both reek a stench only their mothers could tolerate. In spite of spending too much time in front of the cracked mirror, these asswipes think they are the shits in the bicycle and dive bar world, respectively. A swift teep to their chops will hit them harder than a Narcan shot.

1. Topping the bottom of this list is the Boston Terrier. Gee, how coincidental that Sean proudly claims to be from the Boston area, even though he is from far south in a hamlet called Wareham. Like Sean, the Boston Terrier is actually a mix of English dogs, not Irish or anything near Boston. Also like Sean, they have compact bodies with short hair and equally short, 2-inch penises. However, this breed is known to have intelligence as is displayed by Sean conning readers of Choad Enthusiast into thinking he knows wine and has vast experience in strumming the 100-point rating scale.

So, here it is, like we promised. Woodinville’s most expensive commercial wine to date. Only about a couple hundred cases are floating around the area and this blog was lucky enough to acquire a bottle. Any other wine blogs you know of review this wine? Any wine searchers? Yeah, didn’t think so either.

This current off-season between wine vintages will be officially Bob Betz’s final one, unless he signed an extension as he desired (and should rightfully have). The original intent was to ride off into the sunset to be with his grandkids but like any singularly-focused master, he didn’t find full retirement to be all that. Being around winemaking is his true comfort zone (and it pays well, too). So, he’s desiring to stick around a little longer, much to the applause of his namesake winery’s still-closed mailing list. Also, it helps to have back-to-back-to-back sterling vintages in Washington. And a new vineyard under the winery’s control.

Much has been said of this wine, but with scant validation from independent sources. This is one of those true independent sources that didn’t have to suck the crusty wad that is the local wine commission.

Does that free us to say negative things about any wine? Hell yes. Are we doing that here? Hell no. Why not? Because this is a tumescent wine. This is a wine that advocates baby-making. For every Le Parrain that was sold at this release (except this one) and consumed, you can reasonably estimate that one boy or girl will be roaming our planet Earth in the next 6 months. That is, if everyone popped it open. This is a wine that both Republicans and Democrats can unanimously hail. Pro-life and pro-choicers will come together (or is it ‘cum’ together) and salute this wine. Black Lives Matter will change its name to Black Wines Matter. This is that powerful a wine.

The drawback is the pricing. The previous version, 2005, sold for just over half what this was retailing for. I don’t know if you can call it “retailing” when the wine sold out to list members pre-release, but it is what it is. This cut is the latest in a recent string of Washington wines to cross the $100 barrier in order to be taken seriously by the far more wine-plagued California-leaning advocates. ‘Washington produces great values at all levels’ has been the mantra to the world. They weren’t referring to this one.

Seriously, who pays $130-150 for a bottle of Washington wine, or any wine for that matter? Well, besides this blog– hint: $200 for a DuBrul Vineyard cabernet way back when. And a $160 Quilceda Creek tannin-bomb. And a $100 Chucky Smith heavily extracted syrah.  Never mind the 21 Grams, Grand Ciel, or any library offerings circulating out there currently. Okay, so I guess there is a market for this liquid gold…

Tasted at 58-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Blackish purple on the swirl with aromas of savory cured slabs of Double Q Ranch beef,  and bright black and red fruits. Tantalizingly silky and full-bodied on the palate with a sizzling mid-palate and evolution on the long fade. A miasma of liquorous cassis, nettle, raspberry, tellicorn peppers, currants, cherry, cedar, spiny tannins, dried leafy herbs, and red spices.

Alcohol: 14.7%. Listed as “Columbia Valley” but this is 100% Red Mountain AVA clone 8 cabernet sauvignon. Vineyards: Heart Of The Hill, Kiona, and Ciel du Cheval. Power: 4/5. Balance: 5/5. Depth: 5/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 98. Value: $150. Sold out. So solid, your grandchildren will enjoy it. Investment-grade wine. Music pairing: “Money” by Barrett Strong. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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