Intrinsic Wine Co. 2014 cabernet sauvignon

Can’t a wine blogger get a few months of rest? Readers in Louisiana, Minnesota, Texas, and now Nice, France need to stop the violence in demanding new blog posts from yours truly. Even the Don has refused to name the winner of his Veepstakes until I write a new post so be it.

Some interesting developments have arisen in Washington wine with this current heat streak (definitive vintages since 2012).

First is the over-bloated scores attached to wines that have no real business in the boner-seeking “best wine values of the month” category. Most guilty in this “+2, +3” overhype is that from Wine Overly Enthused. Is there a more blatant D-listed rag that shamelessly adds points to a wine’s score just for massaging the shriveled scroats of their wine judges? Then, there are a few desperate wineries that will even ride a score from some Wine & Fud or International Wine Conscroatium or other completely obscure piece of high-grade toilet paper just to sell their shitty wines. “Oh look, Tommy Zinfandel’s Guide To Wine scored ours a ’95’! Wait a minute… we don’t do a zinfandel. I guess we should.”

Second is the mushroom-like sprouting of all these low-end “premium” wineries that are tapping into the lucrative $15-25 market. Why is this a hot spot for selling wines? Easy. Have you noticed all the Amazon-linked newbies moving into our area, inflating home prices to record levels? Did you ever think an “average” house in Seattle metro will set you back over $600,000? These greedy Californicators are cash rich and young. Unfortunately, they are also beer drinkers who are only beginning to understand the virtues of wine. Their only previous exposure to wines depends on their status: if they worked at Google or Facebook– they got a taste of Napa Valley; if they worked at a supporting app company, then they flooded their palates with Paso Robles or Sonoma; and if they worked in software dev, then they drank Lodi. One can easily figure that when any of these silicon slaves coughed up $600,000 for a ex-Boeing janitor’s abode, they didn’t have much left for booze. Hence, the growth of the tolerable new middle-class of wines that is the $15-25 buffer.

This “new” winery, based in Paterson (home to only one real winery– Columbia Crest), is headed by none other than Paterson’s ‘La Eme’ wine boss in Juan Munoz Oca. Always look at the back label of any questionable Washington wine and if the location is Paterson, WA, then you can bet the juice passed through El Guapo’s purple-stained hands.

To the winery’s credit, they contracted some fine art for the label. It ain’t Upchurch Vineyard quality but is eye-catching enough to swipe a bottle off the rack.

So, what to think of this? A somewhat artsy wine label selling  a 2014 cabernet from two unknown vineyard sources crafted by a winemaker who heads Washington’s most prolific corporate winery.

Here’s the lowdown. It’s got Columbia Crest style, which means the wine imitates more expensive wines on the surface, but look deeper and there isn’t much stuffing to elevate this wine among Washington’s finest made.

This is a better than the H3 and Grand Estates versions under Columbia Crest but falls short of that winery’s “reserve” lineage. This wine lacks complexity, terroir, and presence. However, if you’re a 20-something hosting an open house with fellow tech-nerds and don’t want “your father’s wine,” then this wine is for you. It doesn’t taste cheap or expensive. It’s dry but not tannic. It’s dark, but not extracted. And, you’ll get a decent buzz if you use it for wine-pong. Status grade: plus.

Tasted at 62-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Clean, dark magenta in the Riedel with aromas of red currant, black currant, 5th floor parking stall, leather, cherry, pomegranate, cherry, and chocolate backed up with flavors of blackberry skins, blue raspberry, and chalk. Slightly rough on the palate. Pair it with cold cuts and exotic cheeses.

Alcohol: 14.5%. Vineyards: 65% Beverly, 35% Eagle & Plow. Columbia Valley AVA. Soaked up to 9 months. 10% fermented in concrete. 45% of final blend aged 14 months in non-virgin French oak. pH 3.80. TA 0.54%. Retail: $22. Value: $17.  Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. WS 92. Music pairing: “Young & Relentless” by Against The Current. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fidelitas 2005 Champoux Vineyard cabernet sauvignon

More evidence from Generation D… the dumbest generation.

So apparently, there’s a new device released in the wild recently that combines the anatomy of a bong with the shape of a Champagne flute. Hipsters have gravitated to this new form of imbibing this luxurious beverage because, well… when you can’t afford the good stuff and you look like a sockheaded herpderp with no employable qualities, you do this sort of abomination-to-traditional-etiquette thing. This is the same type of attitude that Sean displayed when he used to “aerate” wines by shaking the bottles in a motion similar to how he used to massage his ex-boyfriend’s uncircumcised pecker. Why would any level-headed wine consumer “shoot” wine other than to get a quick buzz? If that’s the case, then go back to getting your ya-ya’s with those Champagne enemas. That was a great technique to earn a Darwin award back in the day!

A recent poll conducted by a major camera manufacturer showed that 80% of the 1000 respondents rated their own photography skills as “good to excellent.” That includes Sean, who posted some hideous “pal” pictures with winemakers at a recent Tasteless Washington event. Sean wanted to boast that he knew all these winemakers (some of whom are actually decent) so he took his piece-of-shit phone camera with a ‘powerful’ 5Mp capability and forgot to wipe the lens so the colors are faded and everyone looked twenty years older… and depressed that they had to be seen with this fake-ass wine douchey independent blog on free wines has been reduced to posts linking to his ass-kissed network of other fake bloggers along with soundbites of his reviews that are printed in a periodical that no one subscribes to.

The problem with these 80%ers is that they forget to reveal that they compare themselves to their dentured grandmas. They think that using fake filters and vignetting along with wicked angled tilts and shooting in portrait mode makes their pictures look “cool.” No.

First of all, if your picture needs these obvious “special effects” (read: “I’m a dingbat and I had to alter this picture because IT SUCKS!”) then you are not even considered to be an “average” photographer. You are obviously so full of yourself that you can’t hear the rolling eyeballs around you. Here’s a protip: place duct tape over the lens of your “camera” and you will take absolutely the most pure pictures you have ever taken that will have your viewers in stunned amazement and guessing at your creative genius.

Speaking of blind… don’t you just love those “wine professionals” who zip up their bigboy pants in front of you when they mention that they taste wine “blind”? These grayed and wrinkled asshats want you to buy the illusion that they assess the quality of a wine without knowing anything about the wine. I call ‘bullshit.’

Dig a little deeper and ask second-level questions since the foolish sucker consumer tends to believe whatever Mister Bigshot Winerag Writer spews. Is there video proof of how a real tasting and rating session is conducted? (The answer is always “no.”) Is there any information you are told about the wines before tasting? Again, the answer is a vague “no” in that, it’s NEVER a truly “blind” tasting.

Take a physically blind person out for a walk in the city. Ask if they can see the traffic light in their viewing range. Of course not. Tell them there’s a traffic light in the vicinity then ask them which color (red, yellow, or green) is lit up and what is the status of the crosswalk signal. They can only guess, right? It’s because they are BLIND.

These so-called “wine professionals” who are, in reality, failed writers in other subjects not-in-demand are not tasting the wines “blind.” They can see just fine through the crystal to note if the wine is red or yellow or pink/orange. They were told, “This is a tasting of cabernet sauvignon” and justify that information needed to better judge the wines. And, quite often, they discuss with their peers as the tasting is goes on. What’s even more of a riot is that they are wines that were recently tasted on their little tasting room escapade to the wineries, so that they still have a familiar impression of the wines in question. That’s not “blind,” folks.

If a researcher wants to do a credible peer-reviewed study on the benefits of product X and compare it to a known product Y. Subjects would be assigned randomly to one product and not even the researchers themselves know who is getting what because the two products look identical. They are completely clueless.

To do a true wine “blind tasting” is actually quite simple.

Purchase a jet-black wine glass, preferably Riedel because shape and quality of glass really do matter. Have someone pour the wine and then hide the bottle so all the tester can see is a black wine glass. And, obviously, make sure the wine is at the appropriate temperature between 55 and 60 degrees, regardless of color. If it is a white wine, it is at perfect serving temperature. If it is a red wine, it will warm up quickly to 60-65 degrees, which is ideal for rating. Of course, no one else in the area can say anything while the assessment is in progress. And, just like a happy ending, spitting or swallowing really doesn’t matter.

Then, there’s the consumer-level wine tasting.

The wine in question should be treated like any other that an average paying consumer would acquire and enjoy it. First, BUY the wine from a commercial establishment. Next, chill the bottle to the proper temperature of approximately 55 degrees. Open it and pour into appropriate crystal wine glass. Allow a few minutes for the wine to enter the proper temperature window and release its unique aromatics, then take a first sip. NEVER judge a wine on the first sip. The palate will not be set for wine and will usually taste more bitter at first–which is likely an evolved defensive mechanism. Don’t mess with evolution.

Keep assessing at different temperatures and engage all the senses. Look at the wine’s color. Swirl it in the glass. Observe how it forms “legs” down the inside of the glass. Take a whiff. Stick your schnozzle and upper lip into the glass and inhale at varying velocities. Swirl again then ingest about half an ounce. Roll the magical liquid all around inside the mouth. Activate all the sensory glands on the tongue. It’s kind of asinine-looking but you could slip a few gobs of air in to flow over the wine on your tongue as it can actually transport more aromatics to the inner nasal cavity, making for the impression of complexity. Then swallow (or spit if a spittoon is nearby) and embrace its lasting image.

Look at the color. Is it pretty? Is it anything other than “red” or “yellow”? Are there chunks or sediment inside the glass? What are the smells? The nose and the tongue should be communicating on a parallel to paint a mental picture. If it smells like hot battery acid, then it should taste like hot battery acid. If there are too many things going on, then divide into these compartments: (1) fruit; (2) flower; (3) earth; (4) spice/savories; and (5) barrel. Only with aged wines should an additional category of “secondary/tertiary characteristics” be included. Any Joe Blow can do this. Once. What separates the Joes on this blog from just about every other wine blog is we have done it consistently hundreds of times. We could confidently even say over a thousand times… to the point that more wine is consumed for review on this blog than the national reviewers. Why? Because like any great sex partner (and wine does lead to great sex and frequently gives that same sexual-high), a swallower is far more intimate with the wine than just spitting. And besides, do any of your fellow dinner invitees spit at your table during a meal?

In the end, does it really even matter? Well, it’s common knowledge that “numbers” (rating numbers) do sell wines. It’s a convincing marketing tool. Go to the wine section of your local market for proof. However, these so-called “wine professionals” have been tested for verification in a public forum and most often, they are perhaps only 1 or 2 points (out of 20) better than the average consumer at judging/rating wines. You’ve seen those YouTube videos where a professional athlete challenges a wine “expert” at a guess-the-wine competition and they are almost identical in their guesses. The difference is the seasoned wine-oholic wields sharper metaphors to describe the sensations; whereas Joe Athlete can only initially describe a wine as “tastes like grape.” And, that’s what keeps us in business…

This Fidelitas wine had everything going for it, including the heavy, sculpted glass bottle. Vintage 2005. 100% cabernet sauvignon. Champoux Vineyard. This was before the tasting room on Sunset Road. This was up-and-coming Charles Hoppes. This was also a $55 brick of a wine that competed with all the other equally impressive Washington cabernets from the few great wineries back in the day. This was the stuff of legend. And, it lived up to the very high expectations.

What better wine to celebrate Mother’s Day? Another high heat weekend that summoned USDA Prime ribeye on the grill. Is there a better cabernet pairing? I don’t think so either. Let’s hope you did something equally impressive for your mom.

Tasted at 58-68 degrees on the IR temp gun. A bodacious and alluring nose of blackberry, raspberry, blood cherry, Portland red roses, and red plum cast in a dark ruby display and leading to bold and dominant flavors of blackberry crème, red licorice, bright red cherries from Zillah, dried sage, graphite, old leather, tumbleweed, Furano lavender, burnt forest, and a svelte streak of old-growth cedar. Extravagantly divine.

Alcohol: 14.9%. Horse Heaven Hills AVA. 50% new French and USA oak. Aged 22 months. 175 cases. Power: 3/5. Balance: 4/5. Depth: 4/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 95. Value: $75. Music pairing: “Ya Ya” by Lee Dorsey. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Double Canyon 2013 Horse Heaven Hills cabernet sauvignon

Breaking news from Anny as they prepare for their nuptials: “We at Washington Free Wine Reporter would like to share a cautionary tale with our twelve fans. Last night, our non-credentialed wine expert Sean Hong was cutting jalapenos and neglected to wash his hands before taking a shower. Needless to say, his groinal area was in severe pain for hours. Sean did not want to share his mishap with only a dozen dumbasses, so we feel it’s EXTREMELY important that everyone knows what happened and learn from this douchebag’s mistake. As funny as burning your vagina with jalapenos might seem, it is no laughing matter. Be aware. Be safe. You can donate to  his gofundme site to get a sex change.

At the recent Tasteless Washington convention for posers and fake wine experts, we discussed the shameful schmoozing with wineries to score free wines as well as each other’s personal lives because there’s no better story than exposing what your wine blogger is really like.

Here are a few lowlights from that constipating fusion of worthless minds:

WAwineman: “Hey Anny, congratulations on your future life with your wife over there but tell me, what was most memorable from your first date with Sean?”

Anny: “I was waiting for him to get ready and he then went to the bathroom and left the door open! It was our first date and he went no. 2.”

WAwineman: “Well, alrighty then. So then, what did he say that made you know he was ‘the one’?”

Anny: “It was at the beginning of the recession and you know Sean is so witty! I took off my clothes and got on my knees after he told me, ‘So, uh, the government went down today and I was wondering if you would be patriotic enough to do the same?'”

WAwineman: “So it was great sex?”

Anny: “At first, no. I mean, he kept wanting to impress me with his math from Bard College. When my mouth was done with him, he said, ‘And as you can see now, the derivative of lnx is 1/x.'”

WAwineman: “And how did you reply?”

Anny: “Wow! You’re just so nice and helpful. Now, help me unhook my bra.”

WAwineman: “Okay, let’s go retro. When you met him for the very first time at a trade tasting, how did he introduce himself to you?”

Anny: “Hi, I’m Sean. Are you drunk enough to go home with me?”

WAwineman: “Well, that’s awkward. Hey Josh, how did your first dates go?”

Josh: “I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.”

WAwineman: “Well, it’s priorities with you. Was she impressed with your savvy?”

Josh: “I don’t know.”

Anny: “When a woman is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal.”

Josh: “That explains why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.”

Shona: “Well Josh, live my creed– if you ever feel unattractive, just remember… you look like your ancestors and hey, they all got laid!”

WAwineman: “Hey Babs, how’s life?”

Babs Winegal: “My boobs are loving unemployment. They don’t have to go to boob jail everyday.”

WAwineman: “Those are boobs? I thought I saw a McClendon Hardware dude looking at you and getting his hammer claw ready to remove a couple nails from a 2 by 4.”

Margot: “You guys think we don’t understand your corny little sex jokes.”

WAwineman: “You are our corny little sex jokes.”

Babs: “I enjoy your jokes as much as riding a roller coaster.”

Sean: “Why ride a roller coaster when you could have rode me?”

Babs: “I’m less likely to die from boredom on a roller coaster.”

Sean: “Agreed! I’m fully taking this as a compliment.”

Chris: “Roller coasters cost less.”

Sean: “Rude!”

Jameson: “Roller coasters have more thrills.”

Sean: “Double rude!”

Chris: “Roller coasters don’t harbor disease.”

Nelson: “Roller coasters are fun!”

WAwineman: “Can you all give Sean advice on the married life?”

Paul: “A happily married man is one who understands every word that his wife didn’t say.”

Madeline: “9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th husband hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted.”

Shona: “From my own experience, tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”

Double Canyon is an estate winery under the wide umbrella of the much larger Crimson Wine Group out of Napa, CA. Yes, yet another stealth California conglomerate migrating up to Washington because the wines here are a far better value for them to make than trying to buy up more Napa Valley land. At least this winery has well-reputed neighbors in Phinny Hill and Champoux vineyards so they can better justify the high sticker price for their wines from a rather young winery.

The most obvious advantage, from a consumer’s standpoint, is Double Canyon has access to a real marketing department so it’s no surprise their wines sell quickly thanks to their racy, artsy front labels. No stupid housewives in curlers or labels that look like it came off a 1987 MacIntosh.

Ultimately, it’s what’s in the bottle that starts a following and this one’s good enough for tourists to our Emerald City. That explains the tasting room squatting in the ancient quarters of Pioneer Square. The prices are almost at Archery Summit level for a winery that has no track record. The estate vines themselves were planted in 2007, so this is about a 4th commercial harvest wine, unlike those at Champoux and Phinny HIll. As such, give this one time to express itself. Perhaps, the warm 2018 vintage…

Tasted at 61-67 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: black magenta. Nose: coy blackberry. Mouthfeel: velvety, clean, refined. Tail trail: 13 seconds. Flavors: blackberry, plum, raspberry, sage, basil, thyme, and sweet tannins.

Alcohol: 13.7%. Vineyards (grapes): estate (cabernet sauvignon), Phinny Hill (syrah), Champoux (malbec, petit verdot). Harvested: October 1-November 1. Aged 17 months in 30% new oak. On-site wine shapers: Will Beightol and Stephanie Pao. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 89. Value $20. Music pairing: “I’m Your Boogie Man” by KC & The Sunshine Band. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Ross Andrew Winery 2011 Old Block Syrah

Fling another pie in the Millenial’s face!

Bernie’s army just got a lot thinner after yet another set of expected losses, mostly in the backyard of homer’s Northeast region. “It’s a posture of reality,” quipped the nursing home candidate who introduced a sugar-coated form of socialism to this country. Yes Bernie, just like all my millennial ex-gf’s when I made them get down on all fours.

In the latest pages of Celebrity Overdose is that 9th Wonder of The World, Chyna. Now, who didn’t have just the teeniest bit of curiosity that she was packing junk in her wrasslin’ tights under all that ripped muscle? She was a bodybuilder’s dream, at least her pecs, quads, and delts, and probably lifted more than a majority of the other male studs that strutted down the WWF ramp. But fear not, Prince may end up following her on the list as narcotics were found in his residence. Celebrities and illicit drug use have always gone hand-in-hand. What’s so ironic, but not surprising, is that sales of the-artist-formerly-known-as-then-recovered-his-name’s music have shot up the charts. What flattery… knowing you’re worth more dead than alive.

And, typical Seattle millenials… railing against the Facebook poster by UW cheerleading advising potential cheerleaders on the do’s and don’ts for their tryouts. There’s a decent picture of a lovely blonde with a shapely slim figure and pointers on how to appear. The advice is nothing unexpected or insulting. After all, it’s cheerleading. Name a major university’s cheerleader team that includes a tatted, Krispy Kreme-muffin topped, beauty pageant-cosmetic caked, color-blind attired horseface in stolen Air Jordans? Nevertheless, millenials who resemble the roadkill that the dog buried under the tree bothered to let the social media world know how offended they were.. and probably because they’re so fugly, they wouldn’t have qualified in the first place. Talk about hating on others who actually work at taking care of their bodies instead of chimping on the phones as they watch the latest Game of Thrones episode from last season while sucking on a donut pop or a larded Nashville-style fried chicken thigh.

Continuing on the things are not what they appear to be theme… the marketplace recently presented this compelling bottle at a fraction of the price for previous vintages. You had to do a double-take if you saw the $13.99 price tag for a wine from Ross Andrew Winery. And, even more so for his syrah– from an old block at Washington’s second oldest vineyard for growing syrah. Prices for this winery’s previous vintages topped almost $70 for juice from the same plot of land. Now, while it seems every other winery in Woodinville makes a Boushey Vineyard syrah, only a handful know how extract the terroir that makes Boushey syrah the most sought after in the region. Notice, I didn’t say “one of the most” or anything that may suggest I am kowtowing to other vineyards. No. Boushey Vineyard syrah stands alone… when done right. The ‘Old Guard’ know the secrets, among them is Betz Family Winery. And, Ross Mickel perfected his craft at Betz. So, the expectations were set very high for this baby.

However, the fine print was it was the 2011 vintage. The dreaded 2011 vintage. The one this blog has warned against buying anything from that ice cold year. $14 was just too much bait not to take. After all, the somms and other retailers waxed so poetic about the 2011 vintage with tones of “delayed gratification” and “longer cellar time” to coax out delicate, complex flavors. It’s like polishing a turd, folks.

Nevertheless, it got fast-tracked with our group’s testing. Didn’t matter. This thing was like a dead thoroughbred. I don’t blame the winemaking. It’s the shitty grapes that came from a cold AVA in a cold year. No bacon fat. No morels. None of that blistery, smoked-meat cabinet that is the hallmark of Boushey Vineyard syrah. In defense, there was life to this syrah–good fruit, good botanicals, and firm spine. But, that type of syrah was ubiquitous with the 2007 vintage. This tasted like it came from the Okanogan Valley.

Tasted at 62-69 degrees on the IR temp gun. Color: dark magenta. Nose: smoky blackberry, cedar plank, tobacco leaf. Mouthfeel: soft, 3am. Tail trail: 7 seconds. Flavors: plum, raspberry, blueberry, supermarket spice rack, dried cherry, acidic. Not even a bitch-slap would have helped. Paired with grilled ribeye… should have popped a cabernet.

Alcohol: 14%. Columbia Valley AVA. 1994 block. Phelps clone. No listing on winery website, like this thing got abandoned at the fire station. Power: 2/5. Balance: 2/5. Depth: 2/5. Finesse: 2/5. Rated: 88. Value: $17. Music pairing: “Hit The Road Jack” by Ray Charles. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Tenor Wines 2012 Columbia Valley syrah

Millenials are total, complete f*cking fools.

These awkward, flatulent, pencil-necked, entitled bloodsuckers think they can change the world by wearing plastic Viking helmets or waxing their thin beards and threatening to bring down the establishment by voting for Bernie or crudely writing a misspelled-pocked review on Yelp. Forget about paying your dues, these rancid skidmarks want instant recognition without earning it. Forget about quality, they want cheap trinkets for the masses. They want business owners to pay more taxes, regardless of the struggle of running a business, while these meely-mouthed employees continually scan their social media communities on the clock. They want “free” education and teachers to be highly paid. Who cares if someone sacrificed more, did their homework properly, took greater risks to take advantage of market-driven economics, and placed themselves on the road to great success while numbnut sockhead was 420-ing everyday during school hours, majored in sociology at a $10,000-a-year institution, participated in homeless parades, and basically did everything but study toward a financially-satisfying goal? No. We’re all “equal” in these moron’s eyes. That’s socialism today.

Here’s just the latest example of millenials and their fallacy of a waxed-beard utopia.

The Tampa Bay Times recently did a WAwineman-like investigation on the farm-to-table movement and uncovered a massive sham of so-called locally-grown ingredients advertised at area restaurants that were actually re-branding out-of-state food items as locally grown. Restaurant staff were waxing poetic about buying meat from a local farmer through a wholesaler, but said wholesaler denied they bought any pork from anyone in that area. And, true to the power of the spoken word, everyone, including publications, rolled with the spiel, totally oblivious to the differences between locally grown and industrially raised. Idiots. Fools.

This is not limited to traditional media.

You see it on Facebook and other sites. Some dipsquat you follow blindly shares a link such as “10 Cancer Causing Foods That You Eat Every Day” that sound alarming but are written from an unreliable source and use scare tactics instead of carefully-evaluated information to base their findings. Of course, after you get baited to click on the link, you get pestered with all sorts of ads and are forced to find the miniscule link to the next page (of 20) that might have any info you got fooled into searching for.

You know who you are. You’re the one either sharing this shit or believing in any of it. Just because it’s in your news feed.

Let’s take a look at one of these sensationalist clickbaits. One site shouted out a list of foods and ingredients that, if followed, means you can’t eat anything unless you grow it yourself, fed from high mountain wells. We’re talking canned tomatoes (bisphenol-A), soda pop (sugar), red meat (possible colon cancer link), non-organic fruits (pesticides), GMOs (cancer), processed meats (nitrates), farmed salmon (PCBs), white flour (high glycemic index–whatever that is), potato chips (acrylamide), hydrogenated oils (omega-6), and alcohol (cancer).

So, that means Italy is a walking bisphenol-A and nitrates population full of cancers. Argentina and Uruguay’s number one killer is colon cancer. 11 out of 10 teenagers have diabeetus. And, drinking wine leads to all sorts of cancers.

Cancer this. Cancer that. Just the sound of it can alter your daily habits. The truth is… it’s all bullshit. These hype-machines assume you eat that junk every day. Every. Single. Day. And, not just a nibble, but a full meal deal. Who the hell does that? And, if you actually know someone who does, then why the f*ck don’t you mention that it’s just not a natural thing to do?

Can you imagine going a week without any of the above-mentioned foods? No. You can’t. You think you can but someone, somewhere fooled you into thinking that you’re Whole Foodsome. You’re not. You don’t have the money or the guile to get it done. These foods are a part of our lives… in moderation. Our country’s average life expectancy continues to rise, diacetyl-glazed Orville Redenbacher’s or not.

As for that alcohol listing, “excessive use” is the main cause of a plethora of cancers from your boobs to your butt. Yeah, define “excessive use.” Where’s the data? It’s bullshit written by 18th Amendment  holdovers and paid for by Southern Faptists and ISIS. “Excessive use” of anything is gunna f*ck you up. Whether it’s asparagus or reading those glaucoma-inducing tweets and dickless posts from Sean.

So, the lesson here is simple. Think before you become a sucker. Yeah, just like those “free” tickets you won from Alaska Airlines. Or that shitty wine you bought on Sean Hong’s recommendation.

Same goes for consumers who join wine clubs with a big-time distributor. You think you’re getting “preferred” pricing by getting that $60 wine for $51, even though you have to buy six of them and stay committed for the next three shipments. Who’s getting the deal? Hint, not you, buddy.

We found this gem on sale for $45 at a nationally-recognized wine seller. This is a 2012, not 2011. Avoid all 2011s from 95% of this state’s wineries. It sucks. No, really, it sucks. However, go find any 2012 vintage red and you can’t go wrong. So far. The 2012s are quite amazing and comparable to the stellar 2005 vintage in Washington–perhaps the overall best of this millennium so far. If we had to rate the vintages right now, this is how they stack up: (1) 2005, (2) 2007, (3) 2012, (4) 2006, (5) 2009, (6) 2003, (7) 2008, (8) 2002. And, the sweet spot for maximum value is anywhere in the range of $9 to $45 for the 2012s.

This is one of those $45 Motley Fool recommendations, if they did wine. Originally priced in the $60 neighborhood, some wholesaler had leftover stash and wanted to clear it quickly. Sure, I feel sorry for anyone who paid $50 and up for this BUT, hey, you still got what you paid for. This is a wine that plays well now on the dinner table and will for a couple decades more. Store it for another ten years upside down and bust it out at your good friend’s wedding. Or, if you are in the club, pop one every couple of years at Thanksgiving or the summer picnic at the lake.

Tasted at 62-68 degrees on the IR temp gun. A manly dark black-royal purple in the Riedel with a harvest basket of roasted ham, bacon drippings, black violet, plum fairies, Yosemite log cabin, and homestead blackberry drooling over the rim. Full and long on the palate with silky smooth nuances parading down the gullet.

Alcohol: 14.6%. 211 cases. Vineyards: Lawrence, Va Piano. Fermented 18 days. 75% new 500L French oak. Bottled March 17, 2014. Released March 22, 2015. “I thought of La Mouline”–winemaker. I thought of Smasne 2007 Block 3 syrah myself thank you. I’ll never understand why winemakers belittle their Washington wines by comparing them to other regions. Maybe they just don’t know how good Washington wines are. Too bad for them. Power: 2/5. Balance: 4/5. Depth: 4/5. Finesse: 4/5. Rated: 94. Value: $60. Music pairing: “Back On The Chain Gang” by The Pretenders. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Guardian Cellars 2013 Entrapment chardonnay

So… the Pope himself, the Grand Poobah of a religion that initiated wars throughout Europe for millennia, had the audacity to insult the next POTUS by stating, “A person who only thinks about building walls… is not Christian,” squeezed some irony into this American election year. After all, the Ku Klux Klan-lookalike resides in a city-nation that is surrounded by walls built some 1,170 years ago. But, that’s Catholicism for ya… And hey, speaking of this hypocritical philosophy, let’s talk about artificial contraception. The Catholic clergy, when not raping young choirboys, bans the use of artificial contraception. They are absolutely against it because they know ‘Catholic’ rhymes with ‘prolific’. The religion attracts a pack of horndogs and hornkitties that display virtuousness, but behind closed doors, they multiply faster than rabbits. Some of the horniest women in my history were devout Catholics. It got to the point where dating the holiest single lady in class was the ultimate testicular challenge. And good gawd, they were the loudest screamers! Still yet, this Roman Catholic clergy quietly permits artificial contraception (eg. birth control pills) in South America and also allowed it when their nuns were getting nutted against their will in the Congo. Go ahead, fact check this. I dare ya.

Say you’re just a “Christian”…

You go to church on Sundays… some of the time… as long as it doesn’t conflict with a 10am Seahawks game… you do singalong hymns, you throw in a fiver in the bowl, you hug your neighbors in the pews, you fall asleep during the sermon. You know who you are. For one hour in the week, you are bliss. You are the sacred one. The virgin bitch. The manly man. Bullshit. You go home, you beat your kids, you kick your dog, you diss your significant other. You grab a beer and tell everyone to shut the hell up because you can’t listen to the big game on your tv. The rest of the week– you cuss in traffic, you dupe your customers to maximize your profits, you crap on your subordinates, you don’t give a f*ck about your kid failing in school because you’re “tired” from life, and you think you can beat everyone up because no one watches more UFC than you do. Yeah, that’s being a real “Christian,” dude. And, let’s not mention all the measles that the missionaries brought to new lands to spread their gift of conversion.

To be fair, it’s not like Islam is any different. Mulsim boyz are so deranged that they force their women to completely cover up lest they incite scroatal sensations by the mere exposure of their nose, lips, or hair. Never mind the milky funbags or bald beavers. The simple act of hugging or kissing in public brings a lengthy jail term. Restaurants in Islamic countries segregate single men from the rest of society, requiring separate seating accommodations. Why? Because they are dirty perverts. That’s why.

So, as an anarchist, you can understand why religion is truly the root of all evil. There is no afterlife. There is no higher being watching only over you. This is truly only a human curiosity. Name another species that believes this. And, if the Bible explains all that is, then how was the Earth’s moon created and for what reason? Why is there such a belief in the existence of alien life forms or even ghosts? Why give Jesus credit for turning water into wine when it was Saccharomyces that did it?

You see, religion is the real root of all evil.

Back to wine news…

Looks like Paul Guttless has been on tour recently, promoting “his” wine that someone else made. He stopped over in Porter Ranch recently to do a book signing and the newspapers covered his presence by declaring a major gas leak that forced the evacuation of hundreds who were downwind of his smelly ass. He later returned to Everett wearing a citrusy jumpsuit where the local press recited the sudden existence of orange slime within its borders. Seattle Police reported recently that a suspect eerily described as a disgruntled Amazon software development engineer with salty hair and a 2-inch penis who lived in the Wallingford area was combing through trash bins looking for free wine. The $10 reward for a good tip wasn’t enough for me to turn Sean in. What would I do with it? Buy a case of Kealla Winery sangiovese? What a waste of cash.

Guardian Cellars. It’s a badass winery. You are not hip if you haven’t bought their wines or attended their release parties. Ask winemaker Jerry if he really was going to shoot the numbnut who packed a shotgun in the local library. Ask winemaker Jennifer if she wants to move to Seattle after all her reporting on the inane and insane.

Tasted at 53-59 degrees on the IR temp gun. Light straw in the Riedel with overtones of hay covering lemon, nectarine, apple butter, and ripe pear. Full-bodied with a mild acid bite and long residence leading with facial powder, white apple, creamy butter, lemon zest, hazelnuts, and honeydew melon. Great with chicken curry.

Alcohol: 14.2%. Hundreds of cases. Conner Lee Vineyard. Columbia Valley AVA. Aged in 2/3 new French oak. AKA Cougar Juice because of all the lovely milf realtors out there in east King County who are itching to pass on their yeast infections. Power: 2/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 91. Value: $30. Music pairing: “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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Cooper Wine Company 2011 L’Inizio red wine

With so many new readers on board, we here at Brand Central decided to re-educate the newbies with the vibe that makes this Washington wine blog the greatest home base for omni-knowledge about Washington wines.

After all, ask any veteran reader of this blog and they will emphatically give a clinical dissection about the many so-called “independent” Washington wine blogs that are underhandedly paid for by the local wine commission and sexually gratified by the more established broke-ass wine smelliers in the Emerald City. When these scumbag lowlifes are not plagiarizing wine notes off of this site or a winery’s website, you can find them slithering around wineries vainly attempting to extract free wines from unsuspecting tasting room managers. And, of course, any simp reading their blogs knows a reviewer can be completely unbiased when rating a free wine that was knowingly “donated” by a winery’s staff. Yeah… right.

Since the original posting, where have they gone? Sable425 proposed to Martin Shkreli. Diva Tink found true love again… for the twentieth time. SeattleWineHooch won a paternity suit against a winless bullfighter she met on Ashley Madison and used the proceeds to move to Spain to find more losers. StoneCold Yashish moved to Nepal to be at one with the Dalai Llama–he could have just moved to Puyallup–plenty of four-leggers there. Taryn and Nicole have “tagteamed” half of the winemakers under 30. And, Charlie can’t make up his mind where to blow his millions on homes after selling out his house wine to corporate gooberheads.

Then, there’s Sean, the asshat puke who’s a legend in his own syphilis-infested mind and who once eschewed the 100-point wine rating system (maybe because it was too complex to master) only to acquiesce once the lemon party elders at Choad Enthusiast (a D-rated wine mag) picked him to review wines from the Northwest after winning a Lemon Party Idol contest where he teabagged judges Paul Guttless and the HoseMasterBaterOfWine.

So… here’s the classic post that Hollywood noticed and put this blog on the A-list. You’re welcome.

Turning on the boob tube to the Wine Channel to watch the recap of Tuesday Night Titans where a bunch of local wine pundits gathered at Russell’s Restaurant (aka “the Barn”) in beautiful uptown Bothell and sponsored by the Cooper Wine Company. Ah, here’s the part where I interview the participants. Let’s take a looky:

(Here comes Sean “The Rock” Sullivan just finishing up the tasting)
WAwineman: “Hey, Sean, how was it in there?”
Sean: “Who in the Blue Hell are you?”
WAwineman: “Why Sean, I’m…”
Sean: “IT DOESN’T MATTER who you are!”
WAwineman: “Sean, you don’t have to yell at me, I’m not blind!”
Sean: “You wanna go one-on-one with ‘the Great One’?”
WAwineman: “Well, actually I wanted to know your thoughts of the wines but I’d rather you tell if you could confirm the rumor that when you were growing up, your mom and dad ran away from home.”
Sean: “Listen punk, I…”
WAwineman: “Ooo, here comes Sable425! Hey, baby, how were the wines tonight?”
Sable425: “Would you please shut…the hell…up!?” (walks away)
(Here comes DivaTink…)
WAwineman: “Hey DivaTink, how about those Cooper Wines tonight?”
DivaTink: “I got two words for ya…drink it!” (as she makes an “X” with her forearms at her waist) (Behind her is the SeattleWineHooch)
WAwineman: “Uh SeattleWineHooch, did you think the wines were approachable?”
SeattleWineHooch: “I’m a legend in the social media and wine industry. If you don’t believe me, ask me.”
SeattleWineHooch spots DivaTink moving in on her date, attacks and tackles DivaTink.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, looks like a slobberknocker out there.”
Sean: “DivaTink’s getting whipped like a government mule!”
(Stone Cold Yashish passes by)
Stone Cold Yashish: “Ooo!, I see puppies!”
WAwineman: “Hey Yash, nice effort out there at the wine table tonight! Did it hurt?”
Yashish: “Hurt? Hurt? Pardon my language, but did it hurt when you Botox’d your moobs, you dumb jabroni?” (walks away with a gruff stare)
(Here comes the diva duo of TarynTheTerror and NastyNicole)
Taryn and Nicole: “Hey Wineman, we had a good time out there tonight. Oh look, Paul Gregutt made an appearance with his new hairstyle.”
WAwineman: “With a haircut like that, it looks like Billy Gay Cyrus went and had sex with a retarded hyena. By the way, Nicole, what was your previous occupation?”
Taryn butts in: “Nikki here wasn’t always a wine diva. She used to have a job at the sperm bank. She got fired for drinking on the job!” (laughs as they head out the door)
(Here comes the man responsible for the wines poured tonight, Neil “the Godfather” Cooper, along with a flock of scantily clad women with way too much makeup.)
WAwineman: “Hey Godfather, do you think your wines are just a bit too hedonistic? And, by the way, nice grillz.”
the Godfather: “Look at you. Why, you look like a big monkey came down here, took a crap in Rob’s restaurant, and out came WAwineman!”
(WAwineman is speechless and looking at the camera, perplexed)
the Godfather: “Now look at me and my brood! This is what you get when you drink my wines. Get it? Got it? Now, get outta here! You can kiss my bunda, boy! Pimpin’ ain’t easy!” (and off they go into the night)
(Last is Charles “Sam Kinison” Smith to pass by)
WAwineman: “Hey Charles, what’s the word?”
Charles: (waving his open hand between our faces) “You can’t see me! An *bleep* to you *bleepin* wine bloggers, aw, aw, aw, AWWWWWWWWW!!!!” (and walks away)
Sean: “Listen roody-poo, I have a harem waiting for me in the limo. I’m outta here.”
And as The Rock leaves, WAwineman pulls out an empty bottle of Charles Shaw cabernet and smashes it over The Rock’s head, sending him to the ground.
WAwineman: “Hey Rock, now do you smell what the wineman’s drinking?”
(Sneaking in from behind the wall are The High-Fivin’ Red Wine Guys (Greg and Paul) each smashing a bottle of Gramercy Cellars Tempranillo over the wineman’s head.)
Greg Harrington: “No, fool. It’s…do you smellllllll-el-el-el-L-L-L-L…what the Harrington…is…drinking?” (looking up at the ceiling)
Paul Gregutt: “To be ‘The Man’, you gotta outblog ‘The Man’! Woooooooo~”

Moral: never drink wine while watching wrasslin’.

Man, I never get tired of reading this sh*t! We sent a few agents to find Neil Cooper for a follow-up but his last dozen girlfriends all divulged that he was in the Dallas-area, either expanding his wine empire or defending his lucha libre championship belt. Same difference.

Thankfully, what hasn’t changed, and only got better, are his wines. His wines carry the family name so any wine connoisseur should feel confident that they are buying one heck of a wine. This is the man with a turbulent past who made carmenere fashionable again. Who made a zinfandel and syrah blend. Who crafted the inaugural vintage of L’Inizio with the funkiest numbers ever: 54.54%, 30.30%, 9.09%, and 6.06%. Who throws the rowdiest parties that involve many crisp dollar bills. This is why he is… The Godfather.

Divinely paired with Texas-style barbecued pork ribs.

Tasted at 62-66 degrees on the IR temp gun. Potent blackberry, black cherry, dark forest leaves, red plum, red pepper, black licorice, and black violets. Pretty damn good for showing this early from the pathetic 2011 vintage, but that’s why the Red Mountain AVA is Washington’s finest region for wine grapes. You have to be a royal eediot to eff up a Red Mountain wine. Oh, sorry Kealla Winery… you dumbasses.

Alcohol: 14.7%. Red Mountain AVA. Vineyards: Hightower, Red Mountain, and Cooper Estate. More than a hundred cases. Drinking window: 2016-the end. Power: 3/5. Balance: 3/5. Depth: 3/5. Finesse: 3/5. Rated: 92. Value: $45. Sold out. Music pairing: “Coop’s Entrance Song” by The Ho Train. This is WAwineman… uncorked, uneducated but not uncouth.

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